Making Mondays Marvellous

Hello Monday, you marvellous creature! It's the start of another week and there is so much to look forward to!

But Mondays suck, I hear you exclaim. That is one way of looking at it. However, I am here to argue that the much maligned Monday has much to offer.

• Every body knows that Monday is usually the day that you start diets. Which means that by around lunch time (or morning tea time) you can look forward to eating your body weight in ALL THE FOOD and abruptly ending the Monday diet madness. Or is that just me? 

• It's often a public holiday. 

• It makes you appreciate Fridays even more. 

• It's the only day of the week that starts with an M, making it unique. 

• There are lots of famous songs inspired by Mondays: I Don't Like Mondays, Manic Monday, Rainy Days And Mondays (always get me down...) The fact that they are all negative songs is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. 

• Lots of restaurants offer kids eat free deals on Mondays. Since you've already screwed your diet at lunch time, you might as well  forget about cooking and go for it. 

• You can plan all the things you have to do this week and start ticking them off. Alternatively, you can just tick of the days until the weekend.

• You may have a favourite television show which airs on a Monday. I'm not even sure which shows are on on Mondays. What am I like? 

• If Home And Away or Neighbours ended on a cliffhanger on Friday you have all the pent up anticipation of the next episode to look forward to. Surprisingly I don't watch either show. Come to think of it, I don't really watch any shows. Weird.

• The BEST reason of all that Monday ROCKS: It's usually the day I share a new post here on Nessville!!!!!

Admit it, it's the only reason you wake up, right? 

Anyway, lets get down to my exciting list of things that are happening in the land of Nessville this week:

Monday

Most likely I will get out of bed.  If you are reading this then I have managed it. I will certainly look at Facebook. I will post this blog. It's my gift to the world. Just to make your Monday so much better. You're welcome. 

Tuesday

Mickey Blue Eye's birthday is on Tuesday! This of course means one thing: CAKE!!

I also have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I had a routine blood test done last Wednesday. This is just for a check-up for my cholesterol and sugar levels as well as my thyroid. So I'm going back to see how it went. I'm quietly optimistic that it's all good. I haven't received any phone calls. Last time I had a blood test, my GP rang me immediately the next day to tell my that my sugar levels were a concern and I had to have a Glucose Tolerance Test. So far, no phone calls this time around. That has to be a good thing, doesn't it? This Weight Witches thing may be paying off after all. Oh my stars! 

Wednesday

I will probably stare into space vacantly after exercising vigorously. At which point I will come to the conclusion that since I just exercised and it still must be some one's birthday somewhere, I can justify having yet more leftover birthday cake. Winning! 

Thursday

I will probably have a cup of tea. Actually several cups of tea. I always do. 

Friday 

I have my monthly weigh-in at Weight Witches. SUCH a glamorous life I lead. At this point I've scheduled in some sulking when all my cake-eating catches up with me. Following this brief period of sulking, I've then scheduled a firm kick up the bum to myself to make myself get back on track. As soon as I figure out how to become a contortionist....

I suppose I could get Mickey Blue Eyes to kick me up the bum. Otherwise, I'll kick HIM up the bum. I mean, it was HIS birthday cake! It's totally his fault that I ate cake! Come to think of it, my Mum and Mr 14 also had birthdays in this past month. More cake! Therefore, it's totally my family's fault for FORCING me to eat ALL THE CAKE. SO rude. 


Saturday

Two out of three boys have soccer. I'm sure it will be as thrilling as last Saturday when Mr 6 informed me "We lost 7 - nil, but I scored TWO GOALS!!" 

Not exactly sure how that works. I think he inherited his logic from me. So proud. 

Sunday

On Sunday I will be sleeping in. There are no other exciting plans. What could be more exciting than sleeping in? 

This will conclude an action-packed week. Just in time for another marvellous Monday! Can't wait... Can you? 

Linking up for I Must Confess,  Open Slather and Mummy Mondays. 

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Diets Be Damned

Well another Monday rolled around, funnily enough right after Sunday. Don't you just hate when that happens?  At least it's the start of another week. Another beginning... Another diet...

No wonder it's the most universally loathed day of the week! Anyway, let's talk diets. They suck. The end. 

That was a quick conversation! The truth is, I'm currently a Weight Witches member. The weird thing is that apparently you can't just twitch your nose and be instantly lighter and thinner! How rude! 

I'm trying to do that delusional thing where I convince myself that it's a lifestyle change and not a diet. I really LOVE salad, not cakies and chocolate and ALL THE CARBS. 

Which reminds me, I just had a big bowl of pasta and a small bowl of salad for dinner. It should have been the other way around. Oops. 

I've never been on any other diets. It was just pure luck, but when I was young I didn't have a weight problem. As a teen I was slender despite my Mars Bar addiction and sport aversion. 

In my 20's I did gain a little and was COMPLETELY HORRIFIED. But now I look back and realise that this was a waste of energy because I looked FINE.  It wasn't until my late 30's, after having Mr 6 that my metabolism apparently decided to go on a permanent holiday. Nice one. I guess I won't be needing it any more. Except I do. Desperately. 

Previously I had been able to pretty much eat whatever I like and as long as I exercised I stayed at a reasonable weight. Not any more. Those days are over. It's extremely tragic. Not really. I'm just like every other middle aged person. I'm not exactly sure why the human body didn't evolve so that weight was like height. You should get to the perfect number where you look and feel your healthiest and it should stay that way! 

Even though I've lost a bit of weight recently with this Weight Witches palaver I still have the usual issues with food. I eat for every other reason than being hungry. I eat when I'm sad, stressed, bored, just because it's there and just because I'm a pig and it tastes good, OKAY?? I have good and bad weeks days. 

I can't do extreme diets. Any diet that involves eliminating a certain food or food group entirely be it sugar, carbs, meat, dairy, CAKE (especially cake!), is not for me. I refuse to label certain foods as 'good' or 'bad'. 

Similarly, diets involving shakes, juice cleansing or soups - forget it. Knowing me, I will just drink the shake then think 'wait a minute, where is the REAL food? That was a drink, NOT food!' I need something to munch on. Shut up. 

I'm not immune to all the same issues as every other women. I dislike certain parts of my body, avoid mirrors as much as possible and have never worn a bikini in my entire life. I just don't have the confidence. But I still refuse to be a slave to diets.

After all, we all know that diets don't work. If they did it wouldn't be a multi-billion gazillion dollar industry. Sorry, I don't know the exact figure and I'm too lazy to Google it. Again, shut up.

Despite there being some so-called 'revolutionary' new diet plan every other day or week we all know that there is nothing revolutionary about it. It always comes down to the old 'eat less, move more' thing. That's it. So that's what I've done. The fact that the eat less part involves eating less cake and chocolate is something I find rather unfortunate. Suddenly I hear weepy violin music. 

And on that note I will end it here and go and have dessert. Of course I can have dessert! As long as it's fruit. Hmmm, I do have a slice of sticky date pudding in the fridge and dates are fruit, aren't they??

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Linking up (late) for I Must Confess. 

What do you think about diets? Have you been on any crazy ones? 

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Micro Confessions Of A Cry Baby

Welcome to another glorious Monday, the most dreaded day of the week! I have a few little things to get off my chest. The first one is this:

I hate everyone and everything in the whole World EVER. Thank you, PMS. No, FUCK you, PMS! When I say everyone, I mean everyone. Yes, even myself. ESPECIALLY myself!

Why? Because I'm a big cry baby sook who's too scared to go to the dentist. On Thursday, one of my bottom teeth broke. I have to go and have it fixed this morning. I'm dreading it. As you are reading this I'm probably trapped in that descending chair, the ominous sound of the drill reverberating through my skull. SAVE ME!

Or slap me in the face and tell me to get on with it like a grown up!

I just arrived home from wandering around the shops with Mr 11 for a few hours. While there, I spotted Michelle Bridges signing books. I felt like punching her, but have you seen the biceps on that woman? Look, I have nothing against Michelle Bridges, really. I even have one of her books and a couple of her DVDs. I just feel like punching everyone lately.

On Monday week Mickey Blue Eyes has to have another knee operation. For those of you who don't know, he injured his knee playing soccer some months ago. Surgery was required to place some sort of wire inside to get it moving again. Then came months of physiotherapy.  Now he has to have the wire taken back out. Fun times.

Additionally, school holidays commence in this same week. So I'll have Mick hobbling around and the kids home from school. AWESOME. Yes, I'm a horrific bitch from PMS Hell at the moment. Deal with it.

I'm also suffering from THIS:

Image from http://imgfave.com/view/5643666?c=64318

In fact, this seems to be the story of my life. Can you hear the weepy violin music?

Don't you just hate people who whinge and complain about stuff in their life but never seem to do anything about it? Seriously. I mean, why haven't I just COME OUT OF MY SHELL by now?

I just keep on whinging and whining about wanting alone time but I haven't actually plotted to murder my family as yet. What am I like?

WHAT a whinger. How hard could it be? I could just poison them or something. Surprisingly, my cooking has failed to do so thus far. I mean, it's the quiet ones you've gotta watch, right?

I've never quite understood that expression. Watch doing what exactly? Reading a book? Scrolling through Facebook. Sure, watch me if you want, but it won't be very interesting. Unlike this blog, which is RIVETING. Plus, it might a little creepy. Watching quiet people, that is. We're just being our silent little selves, minding our own business, not saying a word; while you're rudely staring. Who's the weird one now?? Just saying.

Interestingly, when I Googled Little Miss Quiet I discovered that she doesn't exist. There is only a MR Quiet. Meanwhile, there is a Little Miss Chatterbox, Little Miss Sunshine, Little Miss Fun and a Little Miss Giggles.Where is Little Miss Premenstrual And Moody?

A funny thing happened yesterday when I was at my Tafe course. I realised I was stuck to the chair. It transpired that I had chewing gum stuck on my pants. Thankfully it was the same colour as my pants. You have to be grateful for the little things.

I'm just trying to think of as much crap as possible to distract myself from thinking about my visit to the dentist. It sort of works a bit.

My mind will go:

Butterflies. Rainbows. DENTIST!

Cake. Carpenters. DENTIST!

Puppies. Chocolate. DENTIST!

Books. Unicorns. DENTIST!

Flowers. Sunshine. DENTIST! DENTIST! DENTIST!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That's the sound of my Anxiety Monsters laughing their evil, mocking laugh at me.

The stupid thing is, I was never scared of the dentist when I was younger. I had several teeth yanked out before I had braces. I had it done awake in the chair without sedation. What happened to that girl? Why I am a such a head case in middle age? Furthermore, why am boring you with my whining? Because I can, I presume. So ner.

I've decided that I'm definitely coming back as a man. I'm over all the moods and pain. I simply can't wait for the cluster fuck that will be menopause. Coming soon to a psychotic bitch near you.

In other news, I spent the afternoon going over Mr 13's homework and assessments with him earlier. Amongst all his paperwork he had a sheet listing medieval crimes and punishment. Punishments included: The Rack,Water Torture, Rat Torture, Foot Roasting and Burning at the Stake.

These seemed like quite reasonable punishments to me in my pleasantly premenstrual state.

Oh well, that's my cheery little existence at the moment. Upon reflection I'm thinking that I have such an intense dental phobia that I'm considering exposure therapy instead of just turning up for the appointment. But they might think that I'm some crazy person who likes lurking around the dentist waiting rooms while attempting to get used to the idea and the smell and the noise...... Gulps. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Don't you just love my rambling posts? What else can I confess?

Oh, I've lost around 8 kilos so far on Weight Witches.Which isn't much really, considering I've been going for several months. However, I decided at the beginning that I'm happy with losing a small amount of weight and keeping it off long term, rather than a huge amount of weight which I just end up putting back on, plus extra. Because, let's face it, I'll never be a skinny bitch. I love cake too much.

And with that, I can't think of a suitable ending to this clunky post, so I'll just back out of blogger awkwardly the same way I back out of rooms awkwardly. I'm awkward as fuck in person, so I may as well be authentic online as well. Cheers.
 

Linking up for I Must Confess.



How is Monday treating you?


PS: After getting all worked up in anticipation for my visit to the dentist they have rescheduled my appointment for Wednesday. I'm not sure if this is a reprieve or a further 48 hours of fretting. Sigh.

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Secrets Of The Heart

You might notice that the title of today's post sounds suitably melodramatic, just like the title of a Danielle Steele novel.  Once again it is time to reveal some more of my deep, dark secrets.  By now, my regular readers will be aware that I am an extremely brooding and mysterious individual.



Complex, multi-layered, intriguing and something of an enigma. Like many quiet people, hidden depths lurk beneath my tranquil exterior.
 

Therefore, my revelation is bound to come as a severe shock. Make sure you are sitting down.



I’m meant to reveal something I’ve never revealed to anyone before. There is a slight issue with this. You see, the thing is… And here comes my dramatic bombshell…



Imagine some ominous and dramatic music....

I’m actually rather boring.

I know! Shocking, right?!!
 

What you see is pretty much what you get with me. A quiet, boring, cake-eating Carpenters fanatic, who happens to have a husband and a few sprogs. That's it. But there must something I could reveal.

I suppose I could reveal that I sometimes read on the toilet. Well, let me clarify this. I sometimes take a book with me into the toilet just in case. I never actually sit there inhaling my own stench while I merrily read away. That would just be WRONG. Just in case of what, I’m not entirely sure. But let’s face it, you’re probably reading this on your phone while you’re on the can, so don’t judge me!



Admit it. You take your phone into the toilet! At least I’ve never done THAT. So ner.



I could reveal what a hideous slob and failure of a domestic goddess I am, replete with photos of my slovenly abode. But I’ll spare you.
  
I could reveal that I sometimes fantasise about telling people to fuck off despite my outward placid exterior. But I won’t reveal who those people are. I’ve never actually done it. Yet.


I could reveal that I scratch and pick my ears. But that's just gross and you don't need to know that. Oops.

I could reveal that every time I am making progress with Weight Witches and have a good loss, this seems to be my cue to self sabotage and stray off track. But it's probably what I deserve for posting smug updates on Facebook. No more smug updates from me. You're welcome!



I could reveal that I am STILL on green P-plates. I didn't get my license until I was well into my 30's, and I've just been too lazy  and haven't bothered going through the final testing to get off my P-plates.



I could reveal that previous to getting my license I walked everywhere or caught public transport. Now that I drive I've become one of those wankers who can't bear the thought of stepping onto a train or bus. *Shudders*. Additionally, I seem to have forgotten an important point that my Weight Witches leader pointed out: we all have one of the least expensive pieces of exercise equipment; a front door. Open it and walk out!
 

Interestingly, this ability to drive coincided with becoming somewhat pudgy. OK, that's not very interesting information, or very surprising. But I shared it anyway. What's the point of having a blog if you can't over share!



I could reveal my little shopping expedition the other week, when I lost my parking ticket. Frantic searching and re-tracing my steps through the shopping centre ensued as a replacement ticket would cost $35. When I returned sheepishly to the ticket station empty handed, the person on duty gave me a replacement ticket for free. Kindness isn't totally extinct, after all.



OH! This is a good one: I could reveal that I failed HSC English. Spectacularly.  I'm sure this is totally shocking. I mean, this blog would certainly never give any indication of that. Shut up.
 

I could reveal that I have this weird stimming habit of rocking, but I may  have already revealed this before. Can't remember. Fortunately, I never do this in public or my children might pretend not to know me.  Come to think of it, they already do. They want me to bugger off as soon as we arrive at the school gates. Weird. I'm not embarrassing. Am I?


On that note, I better stop embarrassing myself and end it here.


Linking up for I Must Confess.


What hidden secrets can you reveal?

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YAY!

I have no idea what I'm blogging about and am just rambling because my laptop/internet connection has suddenly decided to work  and I just  need to type while it works. Because it will just decide to shit itself again and it will be another six months before I can post  here and i know I'm not  using proper grammar and punctuation because I'm  in such a raving rush. 

This week has been a week of new beginnings. I started going to a writing group and enrolled for a  TAFE course. It's something about skills for further employment or some such palaver. I think  about  perhaps  attempting to  work in library again but then I never do anything about it, so we'll see. Remains to be seen where I'm going with this  because every time  I think about the dreaded old job interview I feel sick and hysterical and COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT. I haven't been for one since..... Never mind. 

It was a bloody long time ago and it didn't go well. But enough about that. I'm jumping topics and not making sense. 

I wish I didn't have to rush and this is total rubbish. One day I may write an entire sentence that is well thought out, interesting and expressive. This isn't one day. Sorry. Not sorry. Sort of sorry. Oh God. Save me.

All I want is a laptop and an internet connection that work. Is that too much to ask? And time. Lots of lots of time.

Mickey Blue Eyes and I were just having a discussion this evening about people on the internet. We decided that I am a very good lurker. Not just online, but in real life. I lurk around our house. I'm lurking through life. I like to lurk. I could probably put down lurking as a skill on my updated resume. No?

Mickey Blue Eyes is making me a cup of tea. That's interesting information, is it not?

I guess it's back to writing on paper for me. You remember those weird things? Pens? Paper? Swooon. I love writing with pen and paper.

Just to prove how utterly classy I am, here's some further evidence:  I am becoming a KMart fan. Oh well. At least it's a change from Big W and Best & Less. Admittedly not much of a change, but still a change. Sort of. Oh OK, it's still cheap and nasty. But that's what's good about it! I can buy shit. And as long as I don't think about those folk slaving in sweat shops in Bangladesh or China just so I can buy an eight dollar top it's all good. Gulps.

Mickey Blue Eyes is doing the dishes. I knew there was a reason I married this man. One day I will have a gleaming new kitchen with a dishwasher. This isn't one day.

Yesterday I went to my writing group. I actually read some shit out loud in front of people and didn't explode and die.  Who knew?

Today I went out for lunch with my friend Kimmy. Tomorrow I have a counselling appointment and Thursday and Friday I start my course. For this introverted Aspie with a preference for lurking that is FULL ON.

Related: I've been doing some of those personality profiling/testing thingys. You know, because I'm totally self-absorbed and all, and anyway, it's really freaky how accurate they are! I'm an INFP.  

Which obviously stands for Intelligent, Nice, Fabulous Person! Or something....

You know those days when you go out for a really lovely lunch and then come home full, not really caring about whether you have dinner or not.  Right on cue, all three boys: "What's for dinner?"


Similarly, if we go out to an occasion where there is shit tonnes of food served, such as on Christmas Day. You roll back into the car afterwards feeling like you never want to eat EVER AGAIN. Or, you know. at least until tomorrow. Cue all three boys: "I'm hungry!"

One day there will FINALLY be a Dinner Fairy in this house. I mean, I'm sure the boys would look quite cute in fairy costumes. Today isn't one day.

On the weekend two out of three boys signed up for the soccer season again. So now we'll have the joy of schlepping to soccer training several nights a week and waking up early on Saturdays for games again. Yay.

Mr 13 wants to give a new club a try, so he's also signing up very soon. This means I'm going to be super busy between soccer, Tafe, Writing Group and Weight Witches. Yes I know, all you full time working Mums out there, I can hear the violin music too. Sad, is it not?

What else can I tell you? Surely I can make something up? Oh! We started applying for passports! And you know what that means, don't you??!!!

Absolutely nothing!

We'll apply for them and still end up going to Dubbo for our holidays!

One day we will embark on an extravagant, adventurous around the World trip.  London, Paris, New York! THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD! It has to happen, people! This isn't one day.

So to round off this completely ridiculous, rambling post, I'll leave you with this quote:

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

Hang on, is that right?  Oh well, whatevs, as Mr 13 would say.

Stay tuned for the next rambling stroll down Nessville Lane!
 

 

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Free Style

A funny thing happened. I started writing this post two weeks ago and my lap top decided to freeze and shit itself so I gave up. Then last night I checked in here and realised that my half finished draft had been published. Weird. Oh well, just as well nobody reads my crap anyway.

So here I am again. No point in explaining my absence since those two optimistic people who may still be reading at this point are used to me popping up whenever I feel like it. Suffice to say it involves a husband on crutches and a house in utter disarray. I decided it would be an extremely helpful time to have a major clear out. Somehow it ended up progressing to clearing out the carpet in two bedrooms. Now we need new carpet. I'm a very logical person. Sort of. Kind of. Not really. Shut up

As for Mickey Blue Eyes and his crutches, turns out he's even more logical than me. He was still playing soccer at 51. One dislocated knee later, he may finally quit. So that's me. Running him backwards and forwards to physio therapy and playing nurse. Somebody offered to loan me a sexy nurse costume. I'm sure I would look smokin' hawt in a matron uniform but I was thinking more Nurse Ratched than Nurse Racy. Muahahaha!

Meanwhile, I also decided to join Weight Witches because I've always wanted to be a witch like Samantha on Bewitched. I imagined myself just twitching my nose and instantly being lighter and healthier. Then I could just fly off on my broomstick and ditch the whole house wife gig, Because frankly, that part of Bewitched never really made sense. Why would a witch with magical powers want to forsake those powers to be a normal house wife? You can see that nothing has changed since my absence. I'm still asking the important questions.

Anyway, it turns out that there is no magic spell and you actually have to eat healthy food! How frightfully rude. However, cakies are allowed in small amounts. Phew. I'm only two weeks in and going well, but now that I've made a public announcement on this here blog just watch me fail! Let's just agree that you'll smile politely and not mention it if you see me and it looks like I've fallen off the wagon. Okay? We're good then. Deal.

It seems that while all of the above was happening Christmas has snuck up on me in it's merry little way. Thank goodness I don't have to worry about Christmas shopping! That's Santa's job, right? It's totally his fault if nothing turns up under the tree! Sorted.

I have managed to put up a dodgy little Christmas tree. But presently the house resembles something off an episode of Hoarders: Buried  Alive in preparation for having the carpet laid on the weekend. Then we'll be able to get back to normal and just resemble a regular episode of Hoarders. What a relief.

On Friday Mickey Blue Eyes has to see a surgeon and find out whether or not his knee will require surgery. Fun times. So there will be no holidays for us and unfortunately we'll have to cancel that lavish trek around Europe I had planned. I did! When we win the lottery. And we never take a ticket, so it's really looking promising. Oh well, I can dream, can't I? Sigh.

The boys are counting down the days until school finishes and Santa arrives. Mr 10 and 6 were the proud recipients of a Principal's Award. Oh  yes, last month Mr 5 became Mr 6! We celebrated in style with a party at Maccas. Clearly I made the right decision in losing the bogan theme around here. We're not bogans AT ALL!  Shut up.

Another funny thing keeps happening. Every time I sit down to write a blog post, this lap top freezes and shits itself, so I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead and end it here.  Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year everyone!  Or something....

Linking up for The Lounge.

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