Monday 27 September 2021

The One Where I Whinge


Hello lovelies. I hope you're in much better spirits than I am. Strap yourself for a bit of whingey one today. Cue plaintive piano music. 

You see, I've been feeling quite craptaculer lately (totally a word), so I debated over boring anyone with my bullshit. But anyway, here I am. 

My issues with vertigo and dizziness have been a big fat bitch for the past few months. Made worse by the omnipresence of Agnes, aka anxiety. Which makes the dizziness worse and so on until it's this big cluster fuck of cluster fuckery where I don't know where one begins and the other ends. 




It's very dispiriting because I had been cruising along ok there for a while, working again, and now my confidence is rattled. Ultimately I used up all my sick leave. So I have negotiated some leave without pay while I see if I can get better. They have been pretty decent about it thus far though I imagine there's a limit to that. Sigh.

And of course there's the whole layer of "other people have it worse/it could be worse" guilt. Although I'm cognizant of the fact that just because someone else may be worse it doesn't negate my issues. All suffering is valid and to trivialize it won't help. 

We are all going through a really challenging time right now. I imagine that even super upbeat positive people who are generally blessed with robust physical and mental health are struggling at the moment. So it's no surprise that someone like me who is not like that would face a setback of sorts. 

I have an appointment to see a physical therapist who specializes in dizziness and balance disorders. I won't lie. I'm petrified because often the therapy involved means doing specific tests and exercises that trigger the dizziness. Not fun. Especially when you are already frightfully giddy and just want some relief.

While I feel like this I can't even take Chandler for a walk or do grocery shopping. Sniff. So I just mope about like a big wobbly lump of blah and exist with my spinning head. 



I might as well be an ancient invalid  pensioner named Enid. Or Doris. Or Ethel. Or insert any old lady name. 

Cue violins to accompany the piano. 

I also have a lot of neck pain. Hopefully they can help with that as well. I've also ordered one of those neck massager thingys. I hope it's not disappointing. 

I've been reading about something called PPPD (Persistent Postural Perceptual Dizziness)  In some ways it sounds like the closest thing to what I've experienced for years, in terms of there being a psychological aspect. I'm not sure. I know I shouldn't rely on Dr Google, but it's worth asking about. We shall see. 

My yearly mammogram and check in with my cancer surgeon is coming up. If all goes well I will reach the important five year mark,  and she will not want to see me again although I will continue to have yearly mammograms. Fingers toes arms legs eyeballs crossed for that. 

Presumably a lot of my underlying worry is re this important milestone. Hopefully I can get that out of the way with a positive outcome and begin to feel calmer and retrieve some equilibrium. That's my wish. 

Despite all this I've managed to have couple of zoom catch ups with friends with another one coming up in a week or so.  I'm still desperate to see my parents however. 

Well, I'm sure this has been an entertaining read. NOT. 

A big thanks if you made it this far. With any luck I'll have better news next time.

Until next time,

Ness


Monday 13 September 2021

Taking Stock: September 2021 Edition


Hello again, dear creatures. It's time for one of those stock taking things. Let's sit down with a cuppa and get right into it. Here goes: 




Making: The most of it all. Sigh. 

Drinking:   Chamomile tea. Also; wine. Swings and roundabouts. 

Reading: Finished reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell and began If I Never Met You by Mhairi MacFarlane. My brain only wants cutesy pie stuff at the moment. 

Wanting: Equilibrium.

Looking:   Like I need a haircut. 

DecidingWhat to have for dinner everyday is a big enough decision right now. 



Wishing: That the Covid situation would improve. 

Enjoying:  Listening to music. 

Waiting: For restrictions and lockdown to ease just like everyone else.

Liking: Um. I dunno. I guess I like that I'm blogging again.

Wondering: What to have for dinner. See above.

Loving:  My current obsession is Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Netflix. Best (and weirdest) show EVAHHH. Fight me.




Listening: To the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend soundtrack. See above.

Considering:  A nap. ZZZZ

Buying:  Groceries, scripts and hair dye. Exciting stuff if I don't say so myself. 

I've ordered this book as well so that's super exciting. Squeee. Again. Fight me. 

Watching:  Mr 12 and I just finished watching Never Have I Ever on Netflix. I've also been watching the final season of Rosehaven.  I'm so sad it's the final season. Wahhhh. 

Marveling: At the fact that I still hardcore love my family after being stuck in lockdown for so long.


Hoping: I can see my parents again soon. 

Needing A new brain would be nice.  Failing that, a solid mental health plan and a million dollars. 

Questioning: My sanity. See above. 

Smelling: My chamomile and lavendar body butter. I love it. 

Wearing: Whatever's comfortable. Who's gonna see me?

Noticing: That I'm better off not watching the news, as bad as that sounds.

Knowing Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I know absolutely nothing about anything ever. I don't have a normal brain and I understand NOTHING. 

Thinking My brain is mostly a loop of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songs right now if I'm honest. And I like it that way, cause otherwise it short circuits into some really unhelpful stuff. Stoopid brain. Again; see above. 

Admiring: People who don't get rattled easily by challenges and squeamishness. Is that a word? I dunno. I mentioned that I know NOTHING. 

Getting: Well, I got vaccinated. So that's good.

Feeling: A bit on the wobbly and blah side if I'm honest.

EmbracingLockdown life. Well I don't really have any choice, so there's that. 

That was a rather lacklustre stock take, I must admit. I am definitely experiencing a bit of the blahs lately. I suspect a lot of folks are. Fingers crossed for better times ahead! That is all. 


Until next time,

Ness 

Monday 6 September 2021

The Stuff I Do For Self Care

Hello, dear readers. I hope you are well and staying safe wherever you are in this vast universe. Which could be anywhere. You never know, it's entirely possible that alien beings or other life forms are reading this. Anything is possible, right? Shut up. 

Well anyway, I am here to blather on about self care. And knock me down and blow me sideways into an alternative universe or something but it turns out that self care isn't eating crap tonnes of cakie things and hoping for the best. HMPH. Maybe that could be arranged to be a thing in the aforementioned alternative universe? Please, and thank you. 

In the meantime here are the tedious things I am attempting to put in place in no particular order. I say 'attempting to' because self care is always a stop and start thing with me. Sigh.

Here goes:

Exercise 

This sometimes takes place in the form of a walk outside but more often than not I put on a YouTube video and do it that way. The only problem with this method is that some of the instructors can be super perky and plain annoying. I don't mind Jessica Smith and Jenny Ford and if you have any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. I stick to the low impact 'walking' type stuff cause I am prone to vertigo and I have to stay safe. 

I also do specific exercises for my neck and Benign Positional Vertigo. These suck, but such is life. Sigh. 

Vitamins 

I began taking a vitamin tonic called Fishers Phosphorine which I ordered here. My psychologist recommended it. It's early days so I don't know yet if it will have any effect. We shall see. I also take vitamin b complex, vitamin C and Blackmores Macu-vision as a preventative thing cause my mum has that thing where you have to have needles in your eyes and that freaks me out. Gulp. 

And most importantly, my double dose of Vitamin D: sitting in the sunshine with my cutie Channy Bear. 




Eating well

 Cue a snorty honking scoffing cynical laugh. Yes, this is still my most fraught area. I still eat way too many cakies but I do ingest some fruit and veg as well.

I've also reduced caffeine and am replacing some cups of regular tea with chamomile tea. Baby steps, as they say. Whoever 'they' are. 

Sleep 

Gotta make sure I get those zzz's. The chamomile tea helps. 

Hobbies 

I'm making time for my hobbies, like this blog. I abandoned it for a while there, but it's a good little thing for me to have as a distraction, so here I am.

I'm also making time for things like reading and listening to music. Just to mix it up and keep it cutting edge I also indulge in crosswords, fill in's and colouring in. Shut up. They are all calming activities for me. The thing is, I need a low key life. Too much stimulation and excitement is not great for this introverted 'Aspie.'  Which segues into...

Alone time 

I really need to be all by my lonesome to recharge sometimes. Alone but not lonely, if you know what I mean. This is challenging at the moment with the five of us stuck here in lockdown but luckily Mickey Blue Eyes prefers being outdoors and I like being indoors so it works out to a degree. 

And by far the most important form of self care for me at the moment is...

Admitting I need help 

My old nemesis whom I named Agnes (aka anxiety) has been biting me in the butt again after a long period of stability and growth. I had to admit I need help again. I began a low dose medication again and have a plan for some sessions with my psychologist.

Luckily I have a great GP and psychologist, and I never give up.

Having said that, if any of those potential alien readers can confirm if they have discovered an easier way to achieve self care I'm all ears. 


And don't worry, I'm onto to those shrink appointments. Ahem. 



Until next time,

Ness