The One Where I Whinge

Hello lovelies. I hope you're in much better spirits than I am. Strap yourself for a bit of whingey one today. Cue plaintive piano music. 

You see, I've been feeling quite craptaculer lately (totally a word), so I debated over boring anyone with my bullshit. But anyway, here I am. 

My issues with vertigo and dizziness have been a big fat bitch for the past few months. Made worse by the omnipresence of Agnes, aka anxiety. Which makes the dizziness worse and so on until it's this big cluster fuck of cluster fuckery where I don't know where one begins and the other ends. 

It's very dispiriting because I had been cruising along ok there for a while, working again, and now my confidence is rattled. Ultimately I used up all my sick leave. So I have negotiated some leave without pay while I see if I can get better. They have been pretty decent about it thus far though I imagine there's a limit to that. Sigh.

And of course there's the whole layer of "other people have it worse/it could be worse" guilt. Although I'm cognizant of the fact that just because someone else may be worse it doesn't negate my issues. All suffering is valid and to trivialize it won't help. 

We are all going through a really challenging time right now. I imagine that even super upbeat positive people who are generally blessed with robust physical and mental health are struggling at the moment. So it's no surprise that someone like me who is not like that would face a setback of sorts. 

I have an appointment to see a physical therapist who specializes in dizziness and balance disorders. I won't lie. I'm petrified because often the therapy involved means doing specific tests and exercises that trigger the dizziness. Not fun. Especially when you are already frightfully giddy and just want some relief.

While I feel like this I can't even take Chandler for a walk or do grocery shopping. Sniff. So I just mope about like a big wobbly lump of blah and exist with my spinning head. 

I might as well be an ancient invalid  pensioner named Enid. Or Doris. Or Ethel. Or insert any old lady name. 

Cue violins to accompany the piano. 

I also have a lot of neck pain. Hopefully they can help with that as well. I've also ordered one of those neck massager thingys. I hope it's not disappointing. 

I've been reading about something called PPPD (Persistent Postural Perceptual Dizziness) .  In some ways it sounds like the closest thing to what I've experienced for years, in terms of there being a psychological aspect. I'm not sure. I know I shouldn't rely on Dr Google, but it's worth asking about. We shall see. 

My yearly mammogram and check in with my cancer surgeon is coming up. If all goes well I will reach the important five year mark,  and she will not want to see me again although I will continue to have yearly mammograms. Fingers toes arms legs eyeballs crossed for that. 

Presumably a lot of my underlying worry is re this important milestone. Hopefully I can get that out of the way with a positive outcome and begin to feel calmer and retrieve some equilibrium. That's my wish. 

Despite all this I've managed to have couple of zoom catch ups with friends with another one coming up in a week or so.  I'm still desperate to see my parents however. 

Well, I'm sure this has been an entertaining read. NOT. 

A big thanks if you made it this far. With any luck I'll have better news next time.

Until next time,

Ness