Monday 27 September 2021

The One Where I Whinge


Hello lovelies. I hope you're in much better spirits than I am. Strap yourself for a bit of whingey one today. Cue plaintive piano music. 

You see, I've been feeling quite craptaculer lately (totally a word), so I debated over boring anyone with my bullshit. But anyway, here I am. 

My issues with vertigo and dizziness have been a big fat bitch for the past few months. Made worse by the omnipresence of Agnes, aka anxiety. Which makes the dizziness worse and so on until it's this big cluster fuck of cluster fuckery where I don't know where one begins and the other ends. 




It's very dispiriting because I had been cruising along ok there for a while, working again, and now my confidence is rattled. Ultimately I used up all my sick leave. So I have negotiated some leave without pay while I see if I can get better. They have been pretty decent about it thus far though I imagine there's a limit to that. Sigh.

And of course there's the whole layer of "other people have it worse/it could be worse" guilt. Although I'm cognizant of the fact that just because someone else may be worse it doesn't negate my issues. All suffering is valid and to trivialize it won't help. 

We are all going through a really challenging time right now. I imagine that even super upbeat positive people who are generally blessed with robust physical and mental health are struggling at the moment. So it's no surprise that someone like me who is not like that would face a setback of sorts. 

I have an appointment to see a physical therapist who specializes in dizziness and balance disorders. I won't lie. I'm petrified because often the therapy involved means doing specific tests and exercises that trigger the dizziness. Not fun. Especially when you are already frightfully giddy and just want some relief.

While I feel like this I can't even take Chandler for a walk or do grocery shopping. Sniff. So I just mope about like a big wobbly lump of blah and exist with my spinning head. 



I might as well be an ancient invalid  pensioner named Enid. Or Doris. Or Ethel. Or insert any old lady name. 

Cue violins to accompany the piano. 

I also have a lot of neck pain. Hopefully they can help with that as well. I've also ordered one of those neck massager thingys. I hope it's not disappointing. 

I've been reading about something called PPPD (Persistent Postural Perceptual Dizziness)  In some ways it sounds like the closest thing to what I've experienced for years, in terms of there being a psychological aspect. I'm not sure. I know I shouldn't rely on Dr Google, but it's worth asking about. We shall see. 

My yearly mammogram and check in with my cancer surgeon is coming up. If all goes well I will reach the important five year mark,  and she will not want to see me again although I will continue to have yearly mammograms. Fingers toes arms legs eyeballs crossed for that. 

Presumably a lot of my underlying worry is re this important milestone. Hopefully I can get that out of the way with a positive outcome and begin to feel calmer and retrieve some equilibrium. That's my wish. 

Despite all this I've managed to have couple of zoom catch ups with friends with another one coming up in a week or so.  I'm still desperate to see my parents however. 

Well, I'm sure this has been an entertaining read. NOT. 

A big thanks if you made it this far. With any luck I'll have better news next time.

Until next time,

Ness


5 comments:

  1. Oh Ness I hope you can get some answers re your dizziness and some treatment. I've known a few people who've had something similar and / or vertigo and know they've done some experimental treatments with physio / osteotherapists etc...

    I had a run of injuries late last year and the first half of this year (ankle, back and a bit of dizziness) and it made everything so much worse and I found it really hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

    I'm not sure I'm much more positive about life now but at least I feel 'well', or at least not-unwell.

    And don't go worrying about the fact others might have a worse. I do that same thing but keep trying to remember that there's a quote / meme that reminds us that we all experience things the same way and the extent of our pain / discomfort doesn't minimise anyone else's. xx

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  2. My dizziness was finally going away and then boom, suddenly coming back. Ugh. I mean I do have medication I can take for it but also just ugh. I have had a dizziness treatment/test at the physio and it wasn't too bad - it was all very safe and laying down.

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  3. I had vertigo attacks a few years ago. My doctor said it was something to do with crystals in my ears, but I also heard that it's common in peri-menopause. Mine went away by themselves and only ever lasted a day or two every few months. I'd hate for them to have been more persistent. I heard that physics can help with PPPD. Good luck and I'm sorry you're feeling shit.

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  4. I think ongoing vertigo would be a real problem, so don't under estimate that. Ron Webb tells a story in his book where he says with his depression that there are people worse off than him and his doctor says' say you have a broken arm and the guy in the waiting room has a broken arm and a broken leg, but you're sitting in an appointment with me and this arm is causing you pain so let's deal with it'. I think it's okay to be caught up in the debilitating pain you are experiencing without trading off for others. Do that when you are well. Take care.

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  5. Never compare Ness. Your illness and your worries and fears are perfectly legit. I hope, as I write this, you may have had your first physio appt. Like I said to you my dad had it very badly and with regular (daily) physio the crystals re-balanced themselves and it has not returned. And as for annual cancer checks...they truly are always a big reminder of what it was like to have cancer...and the time since then and now is not that long. Be kind to yourself and I hope work continues to understand while you are getting yourself better. Thank you for sharing your post for this week’s link up in Life This Week on Denyse Whelan Blogs. It’s a lovely sharing place you’ve visited and added your post. I wish you well and next Monday, the link up is Share Your Snaps…but of course, any post, old or new, on/off prompts is most welcome. Denyse.

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