Ticking Off Lists Ticks Me Off: Another Post About Nothing

To be perfectly honest with you I know NOTHING. In fact, I know a whole lot of nothing about absolutely NOTHING.  I’m a nothing expert, if you will. Just what the World needs.  Especially with all these ProBlogger posts circulating the blogosphere about ‘useful’ content. 

Meh. 

Instead, I bring to you a completely useless post about, you guessed it: NOTHING! You’re welcome.

I know that I am frightfully hungry right now and uncertain whether to plunge ahead with that trusty meal we tend to call lunch. You see, my parents mentioned that they would be calling in and I fondly imagined that this might coincide with lunch as it has at other times. But they haven’t appeared as yet. Which is extremely rude, as I expected them to provide the lunch. HMPH.

(Mum, I’m joking if you’re reading this!) Oh who am I kidding? Of course she's reading this! Nobody else does. Sniff. 

I know that I’m in a rather wistful, dreamy, reflective mood today. You know, as opposed to all the other days when I’m alert, efficient and organised. Not to mention delusional. Shut up. We weren’t supposed to mention that!

I know that I have at least attempted to become alert, efficient and organised. In the last few months I have started developing a habit of writing down a to-do list and ticking it off. I know! Ground breaking! I’ve always been cutting edge. 

Anyway, despite my forays into list-making, there is no discernible evidence of this unique endeavour. My house still resembles a war-zone with no end of things to-do in sight. This is most disheartening. What I would like to know is: how do people receive pay-offs from house-keeping and organising? I suppose they are just better at it than me. Bloody show-offs.

  

This ticking off lists is starting to tick me off. I want pay-offs! After all, if I’ve gone to the astonishing effort of doing and completing five million things in a day, I expect fan-fare: crowds cheering, balloons and celebratory champagne.  Plus, a million dollars in cold hard cash, thanks very much. 

If Kim Kardashian can demand buckets of cash just for turning up to an event with her large arse and even larger attitude, I don’t see why I, a modest house wife, shouldn’t be able to demand the same. 

I consistently turn up in my own ramshackle home, with my large arse, and make a lacklustre attempt at maintaining some semblance of disorder. I mean, where is the justice? 

On a side note, isn't ‘ramshackle’ a most delightful word? It’s almost worth having a ramshackle home, just so that I can confidently use the word ‘ramshackle’.  Dilapidated and dishevelled would also work here. 

Who wants to have a home that could only be described as ‘perfect’when you can have one that is ramshackle, dilapidated and dishevelled?  Everybody?  Oh. As you were, then.

I still stand by the above words.  And live with them. In them? Whatever.

You know how I mentioned that I was frightfully hungry a few paragraphs ago. It would appear that I am now ravenous. I may have to go to all the effort of making my own lunch. Shocking. 

Related: when Micky Blue Eyes asks me ‘What are you having for lunch?’ what he really means is ‘Make me lunch’. As I typed that he did make his own toast. But none for me. Grounds for divorce really, if you ask me.

In other astounding news, it’s raining! Why not? Just for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Oh well, I guess I had better go and have lunch and tick it off my list.  Of course it’s on my to-do list! Breakfast, lunch AND dinner! That way, at least I know I’ll definitely tick three things off my list of five million. Winning! 

Linking up with Ann at Help!! I'm Stuck!! for Things I Know. 

What's ticking you off? What things do you know? 

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Online Lessons

The internet has taught me a good many things. In no particular order they are: 

• There is an inordinate number of dickheads out there.
• Luckily, there are just as many awesome people out there to balance it out.
• I seem to be fortunate or clever enough to avoid the dickheads (so far) and only encounter a lot of awesome.
• I am not alone. There are lots of other Aspergian people out there, like me.
• I am not the only weird person who loves Karen Carpenter/Carpenters.
• I am not the only introvert. Introverts LOVE the internet.
• The internet has allowed me to connect with like-minded people and taught me that I can communicate with others, even if it's not verbally.
• The internet has also taught me that are an extraordinary amount of people who like cats. Even if they're grumpy. Especially if they're grumpy. The cats, that is. Not the people who like them. Well, they might be, I suppose.
• The internet has proved that Andy Warhol's infamous declaration that everyone will be famous for 15 minutes was probably not far off the mark.
• I've also discovered that everyone has their battles. Even the people who seem have their shit together are probably just better at faking it.
• The only thing that inspirational memes inspire in me is the desire to gag or punch someone.
• It seems that with all this technology, as Jerry Seinfeld put it, we all have absolutely nothing to say to one another and we must say it RIGHT AWAY. Except it was funnier when he said it.
• I have an astonishing capacity for procrastination and time- wasting.
• That I don't really like controversial topics or opinions, even online. I'm that fence-sitting person. Shut up. I like to think of it as being tactful and diplomatic. What I really am is a chicken shit.
• I feel that I take introversion to a whole new level. I'm the quiet person in the corner in real life situations and the quiet blogger in the corner of the blogosphere. I'm happy in my own little world.
• Conversely, on occasion I do like to embarrass myself on the internet with photos of bad hair and frock choices. I like to mix things up a bit.
• That I'm a tiny drop in the ocean, or speck of sand on the shore in the bigger picture of life, the universe and everything.
• That I can trot out clichés and pass them off as blog fodder. See above point.
• That I should probably get out more.
• But the internet is addictive. Very, very addictive.
• I can be resourceful. After all, it was very resourceful of me to start this blog so I can bore you shitless entertain you with my brilliance.
• People like to take photos of their food and post them on Facebook for some reason. It has come to my attention that I did this for the first time the other day. I will totally understand if anyone unfriends me now.
• That 'unfriend' is now a word. A verb even. I think. 
• That I need to go back to Primary School and re-learn basic English and Grammar. I'm sure I'd still look cute in a uniform and pig tails.
• People can become totally engrossed with fictional characters in a soap opera and over react when they die. 
• Apparently everyone wants to dress like Nina Proudman from Offspring. Meanwhile I dress like Bogan Shazza from Boganville.
• There are an alarming amount of people who actually give a flying fuck about footy, soccer and anything with balls in it.
• There is something called Pimperest Pinterest. Don't ask me what this is. I have an account and still have no idea. 
• There is something called Twatter Twitter. I've been there and done that and I'm (mostly) over it. I just check in now and again to confirm this. Yep, I'm over it. 
• There is something called Instagram. I don't have an account and probably  never will. I'm a crap photographer. Plus, I avoid cameras but don't avoid cake. These two things may be related. Ahem. 
• I am shallow. I have nothing particularly enlightening or ground breaking to add to this list.
• I am easily distracted. I blame the internet. Which isn't fair, I've always been easily distracted. 
• Imaginary (online) friends are the bestest (look, I know it's not a word. I've just slipped it on purpose to annoy the Grammar Nazi's out there. So ner).  You can Facebook chat while still in your pyjamas and there is no need to madly race around cleaning the house like you would if they were really popping in.  
• People will keep on sending me gaming invites to Candy Crush, Farmville, Angry Birds and a gazillion other games despite me never once responding. Ever. And I never will. Supposedly you can block them, but I tried and nearly lost the will to live. I'll just keep on ignoring them. 
• I'm not smugly superior to all the gamers out there. It's just that I've already got time wasting and procrastination down to a fine art and don't need any further assistance, thanks very much. 
• On that note, I really should bring this bullet list limping to it's lame end because I'm just procrastinating. The end. 

Linking up with Ann at Help!! I'm Stuck! for Things I Know
 and sneaking in late forThe Lounge with Tegan at Musings Of The Misguided.

What has the internet taught you? 

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More Things I Know

I know that I'm sick of freezing my butt off.

 

I also know that when Summer finally rolls around I'll complain that I'm sick of sweating my butt off.

I know that I'm over the World Cup and soccer altogether.

I also know that this is unfortunate for me when I'm surrounded by soccer obsessed males.

I know that I was rather interested to hear that Mr 10 and 5 are both 'quiet achievers' at their parent/teacher interviews.

I know that they are both rarely quiet at home.

I know that I've been called a 'quiet achiever' many times.

However, I still don't know what I was supposed to be quietly achieving.

I know that I need to start packing for our brief road trip next week.
 
I know that I hate packing.

I know that as I type this ABBA's Knowing Me, Knowing You started playing in my head.

I know that this clearly confirms my sophisticated and cutting edge taste in music.

I know that I could spend the next 6 hours washing up, such is the state of my kitchen.

I know that I'd rather do almost anything BUT the afore-mentioned washing up.

I know that this is the only reason that you are being subjected to this rather scintillating post.

I know that it was a relief that the school holidays have started today.

Conversely, I also know that it was damn shame that there was no sleep-in forthcoming as we had to be at soccer early.

I know that as a result of the above I feel like I could sleep for the next decade. Instead I have to pack and prepare to go away to Port Macquarie on Monday.

I know it will be worth it when we get there.

I know that all I will want to do, once there, is read, sleep and eat.
Meanwhile, I know the boys will constantly whinge that they're bored.

I know that we haven't been to Port Macquarie for at least 10 years when Mr 12 was toddling around. Now he is about to become a teenager. Hold me.

I know that it's seriously time to log off the Internet when I'm taking a Which Little Miss Character are you? quiz. Related: apparently I am Little Miss Wise.

See, I knew I was a genius. Those quizzes are eerily accurate and sound, right?

I know that thinking I'm a genius because of a quiz probably proves the opposite. It just proves that I'll do anything to procrastinate. Little Miss Later, more like. As in: I'll get to that later.

Then again, does this prove that I am, indeed, wise? Because, as the saying goes: why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Or something...

I know, I know, I'm just procrastinating. But you have to admit, I'm a genius at it. I know, right?

Okay, time to find one hundred more ways to procrastinate.

Maybe later.  Can you procrastinate at procrastinating? I know I probably can. There was no need to put the word probably in that sentence. Ahem.

Over and out.

Linking up with Ann at Help!! I'm Stuck! for Things I Know.

                            Are there any other ways to procrastinate?

                                   I really am a genius, aren't I?

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Time Machine And Things I Know

I know that if I had a Time Machine I would blast myself back to the 1970's so that I could rock out in the mosh pit at every Carpenters concert. Shut up. Of course they had them.  Otherwise what else was Karen Carpenter doing below besides plunging into the mosh pit?

I know I would also go back and tell my younger self the current Lotto numbers so I could file them away for safe keeping.

I know I am deeply shallow to only think of doing the above two points when there are so many other historical events I could be present for; or disasters and crimes that I could potentially avert.

I know that it would be quite interesting to go back in time and attempt to explain to anyone in the past about our current technology.

I know that the whole concept of those Back To The Future movies was completely flawed. Think about it: Marty McFly goes back in time from the 1980's to the 1950's where he meets his future parents and has to ensure that they meet and fall in love so that he isn't obliterated from Earth for all time. However, wouldn't his parents tend to remember the dude who introduced them and notice the bizarre resemblance to their son years later?

I know that this lack of logic didn't stop me from avidly lapping up the films as a teenager.

I know that if I went back to the 1950's I would  definitely want to meet my Mum and be her bestie.

I know that I should stop fantasising about having a Time Machine and come back to reality and 2014 and do something constructive with my life.

I know that instead of doing the above I'll go meh and keep typing this drivel.

I know that I should quit procrastinating but I'll get to that later.

I know that I should probably do something about my rather significant facial hair, not to mention the entire forest growing on my  legs. 

I know that it's (the excessive hair) not a classy look unless I am planning on auditioning for the role of Chewbacca in any future Star Wars films. As a ranga, I'd be a sure thing for the part.

I know that I need a nanna nap.

I know that the pesky old Dinner Fairy won't show up tonight as per usual.

I know that some of my clothes are feeling not quite as snug, so perhaps this 'Get Healthy' stuff is working.

I know that I'm simultaneously pleased about the above and peeved that I can't have the same results while stuffing my face at will. Classy.

I know that I watch Offspring while rolling my eyes the whole time about how ridiculous it is.
.
I know that I'll still keep watching in spite of the above. It's a sickness really.

I know that I know everything about nothing.

I know that I have EFD. Big time.

I know that I haven't got a fucking clue in hell what do about having the above.

I know that nobody gives a fuck and will just think I'm lazy.

I know that I may appear to be lazy to somebody else judging from the state of my house.

I know that I do sweaty exercise every day so the above isn't true however much it appears to be. So ner.

I know that beginning a sentence with the words 'I know' starts to get really old after a while.

Therefore I won't do it this time.

I'm just mixing it up a bit . You're welcome.

In other scintillating news, I have raging, feral PMS AND I CAN'T HAVE CAKE OR CHOCOLATE!!!

I know that this is a TRAVESTY! OUTRAGEOUS!

I know that as a result of the above two points I am probably an utter joy to be around.

I know that the highlight of my day will involve folding washing while watching Dr Phil.

I know I should probably get out more.

With this in mind, I will be leaving the house tomorrow to watch Mr 12 march in our local festival with his school.

I know that there will be rather a lot of these strange things called people there.

I know that outwardly I appear to be one these strange things called people but I think we've established that I'm a completely different creature altogether.

I know that it's time to bring this pointless list limping to it's feeble end.

I know that if you're still reading at this point you deserve all the chocolate and cake that I can't have. Please avail yourself of this.

I know that I hate you if you did. Don't take it personally. I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. It's the PMS. Or it could be....

I know that I'm not an owl but I'm wise so same thing, right? Shut up.

I know that the limping end to this post that I promised previously is now crawling. Apologies.

I know that I might as well jump to it. Over and out.

Linking up (belatedly) with Tegan from Musings Of The Misguided for The Lounge

Linking up with Ann from Help!! I'm Stuck! for Things I Know

                                                 Where would you go with a fictional Time Machine?
                                                
                                                  What do you know?

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Things I Know On This Friday

• I know I’ll never have time to read all the books I buy even if I live to be 110 years old.
• I also know that this will never stop me from buying them.
• I know I will never get tired of hearing Mr 5 say: “I love you Mum! You’re the best in the World!”
• Ditto Mr 10.
• I know that Mr (almost) 13 is too cool for all that but I know he still loves me and I know I’ll still make him hug me occasionally.  
• I know that I ate my healthy salad wrap for lunch and didn’t crave a cake the size of my head afterwards for once. This hasn’t happened since…never mind….
• I know that theoretically there are six hours in between 9am and 3pm but this will always speed by as if it’s only half an hour. Tops.
• I know that when I mentioned that I’ve had a headache all day and Micky Blue Eyes said he did too; adding: “I’ll bet you I’ll have to lie down later." This was code for: “You’ll have to do school pick up. Don’t think you’re getting out of it.”
• Ditto whenever he asks me: “What are you having for lunch?”  I know this is code for: “Make me lunch.”
• I know that in less than two months I shall become the mother of a teenager. I don’t know if I’m ready for it, however.
• I know that my headache is getting progressively worse and this is frightfully rude.
• I know that it’s Friday and only a few hours away from wine o’clock AND I don’t have any wine!!
• i know that this is a first world problem.
• I know that I’ve turned the damn caps lock off but my keyboard is not co-operating and now it looks like I’m shouting at you!
• i KNOw that i’ll have to continue shouting at you because the damn thing won’t  work!
• i know that it’s ( the capitals/caps lock thing) annoying the crap out of me!
• I know that it’s probably annoying the crap out of you as read this, too, so i apologise!
• i know that I want to take to this keyboard with a sledge hammer!
• I know that if i wasn’t being deliberately shouty a few points back i am now, because i feel like shouting abuse at an inanimate object. BLoody F&$*King stupid B*@$h of a thing!!
• Once again I know this is a first world problem so I just need to suck it up and GET OVER IT OR fix it or GET A new lap-top. 
• I know I should stop shouting at you now.  over and out. 

LINKING UP WITH ANN AT HELP!! i'M STUCK! FOR THINGS i KNOW. 

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ON THIS FINE FRIDAY?

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