NESSVILLE

Tuesday 26 October 2021

A Diagnosis

Good afternoon, groovers and shakers. I hope you are well and enjoying post lockdown freedoms! I am battling on with my somewhat broken brain. See previous post.

As most of you probably already know I had an appointment with a vestibular physical therapist a few weeks ago. I finally got a diagnonsense for this dizzy shite:

I have something called PPPD (Persistent Postural Perceptual Dizziness).

Additionally I also have permanent and chronic PPPS (Persistent Phenomenonal Person Syndrome).

Ok, I made the last one up. You got me. But the first one is a thing, and believe me if you didn't try to find a way to laugh in the midst of it you would not only cry but wail like a banshee. Even though I'm not entirely clear exactly what a banshee is? Apparently they wail though. Don't they?

I should probably fact check that or choose a different simile. Either thing requires too much effort for my addled brain.

Back to the diagnosis. The good thing is, it's nothing sinister going on. The bad thing is, it's a long process to get better. Sigh.

So I'm in for the long haul with vestibular rehabilitation therapy. Also, hi ho hi ho back to the shrink I go! Cognitive behavioural therapy is needed to address the emotional side of it. It's a complex condition that does include an anxiety component. Fun times. Said no one ever.

At least lockdown is over! YAY!!!! It got to the point where I totally forgot about a zoom catch up because I really don't register what day it is anymore. Oops.

Not that I am really up to doing much at this point. But I'll get there. I wish I knew where 'there' is.

I had another appointment with the vestibular physiotherapist and I have the following exercises to do:

1. Walk up and down in a straight line and swing my arms turn around and walk back again. 5 repeats 3 times a day.

2. Stand in the naughty corner, feet together and eyes closed for 30 seconds. 3 times a day.

3. Take a pen or another object and hold it at arms length. Gaze at it and turn your head left and right like a pendulum keeping your gaze on the pen. Count 30 seconds. 3 times a day.

I feel like I've been on the booze without the fun of the actual booze! Not fair.

I have also started taking Zoloft again because it is recommended to address the psychological effects of the the condition. I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow and ongoing vestibular rehabilitation therapy.

On Sunday I did this:

Exposure therapy is a thing. A hard thing that I need to do. I'm doing it. Slowly. That's all I can do.

The boys got their second jab so we are all fully vaxxed. Huzzah! Happy about that.

Mr 17 and 12 went back to school this week. The latter had the jitters but hopefully he'll be ok.

Chandler is his usual cute little self. We all left the house to visit my folks the other day and it must have been a shock to him. He's used to someone always being home!

It's a hard life

Nothing much else to report. Back to battling on like the badass I am!

Until next time,

Ness

The One Where I Whinge

By Ness 12:31 pm // 5 comments

Hello lovelies. I hope you're in much better spirits than I am. Strap yourself for a bit of whingey one today. Cue plaintive piano music.

You see, I've been feeling quite craptaculer lately (totally a word), so I debated over boring anyone with my bullshit. But anyway, here I am.

My issues with vertigo and dizziness have been a big fat bitch for the past few months. Made worse by the omnipresence of Agnes, aka anxiety. Which makes the dizziness worse and so on until it's this big cluster fuck of cluster fuckery where I don't know where one begins and the other ends.

It's very dispiriting because I had been cruising along ok there for a while, working again, and now my confidence is rattled. Ultimately I used up all my sick leave. So I have negotiated some leave without pay while I see if I can get better. They have been pretty decent about it thus far though I imagine there's a limit to that. Sigh.

And of course there's the whole layer of "other people have it worse/it could be worse" guilt. Although I'm cognizant of the fact that just because someone else may be worse it doesn't negate my issues. All suffering is valid and to trivialize it won't help.

We are all going through a really challenging time right now. I imagine that even super upbeat positive people who are generally blessed with robust physical and mental health are struggling at the moment. So it's no surprise that someone like me who is not like that would face a setback of sorts.

I have an appointment to see a physical therapist who specializes in dizziness and balance disorders. I won't lie. I'm petrified because often the therapy involved means doing specific tests and exercises that trigger the dizziness. Not fun. Especially when you are already frightfully giddy and just want some relief.

While I feel like this I can't even take Chandler for a walk or do grocery shopping. Sniff. So I just mope about like a big wobbly lump of blah and exist with my spinning head.

I might as well be an ancient invalid pensioner named Enid. Or Doris. Or Ethel. Or insert any old lady name.

Cue violins to accompany the piano.

I also have a lot of neck pain. Hopefully they can help with that as well. I've also ordered one of those neck massager thingys. I hope it's not disappointing.

I've been reading about something called PPPD (Persistent Postural Perceptual Dizziness) . In some ways it sounds like the closest thing to what I've experienced for years, in terms of there being a psychological aspect. I'm not sure. I know I shouldn't rely on Dr Google, but it's worth asking about. We shall see.

My yearly mammogram and check in with my cancer surgeon is coming up. If all goes well I will reach the important five year mark, and she will not want to see me again although I will continue to have yearly mammograms. Fingers toes arms legs eyeballs crossed for that.

Presumably a lot of my underlying worry is re this important milestone. Hopefully I can get that out of the way with a positive outcome and begin to feel calmer and retrieve some equilibrium. That's my wish.

Despite all this I've managed to have couple of zoom catch ups with friends with another one coming up in a week or so. I'm still desperate to see my parents however.

Well, I'm sure this has been an entertaining read. NOT.

A big thanks if you made it this far. With any luck I'll have better news next time.

Until next time,

Ness

Taking Stock: September 2021 Edition

By Ness 12:29 pm // 3 comments

Hello again, dear creatures. It's time for one of those stock taking things. Let's sit down with a cuppa and get right into it. Here goes:

Making: The most of it all. Sigh.

Drinking: Chamomile tea. Also; wine. Swings and roundabouts.

Reading: Finished reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell and began If I Never Met You by Mhairi MacFarlane. My brain only wants cutesy pie stuff at the moment.

Wanting: Equilibrium.

Looking: Like I need a haircut.

Deciding: What to have for dinner everyday is a big enough decision right now.

Wishing: That the Covid situation would improve.

Enjoying: Listening to music.

Waiting: For restrictions and lockdown to ease just like everyone else.

Liking: Um. I dunno. I guess I like that I'm blogging again.

Wondering: What to have for dinner. See above.

Loving: My current obsession is Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on Netflix. Best (and weirdest) show EVAHHH. Fight me.

Listening: To the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend soundtrack. See above.

Considering: A nap. ZZZZ

Buying: Groceries, scripts and hair dye. Exciting stuff if I don't say so myself.

I've ordered this book as well so that's super exciting. Squeee. Again. Fight me.

Watching: Mr 12 and I just finished watching Never Have I Ever on Netflix. I've also been watching the final season of Rosehaven. I'm so sad it's the final season. Wahhhh.

Marveling: At the fact that I still hardcore love my family after being stuck in lockdown for so long.

Hoping: I can see my parents again soon.

Needing: A new brain would be nice. Failing that, a solid mental health plan and a million dollars.

Questioning: My sanity. See above.

Smelling: My chamomile and lavendar body butter. I love it.

Wearing: Whatever's comfortable. Who's gonna see me?

Noticing: That I'm better off not watching the news, as bad as that sounds.

Knowing: Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I know absolutely nothing about anything ever. I don't have a normal brain and I understand NOTHING.

Thinking: My brain is mostly a loop of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songs right now if I'm honest. And I like it that way, cause otherwise it short circuits into some really unhelpful stuff. Stoopid brain. Again; see above.

Admiring: People who don't get rattled easily by challenges and squeamishness. Is that a word? I dunno. I mentioned that I know NOTHING.

Getting: Well, I got vaccinated. So that's good.

Feeling: A bit on the wobbly and blah side if I'm honest.

Embracing: Lockdown life. Well I don't really have any choice, so there's that.

That was a rather lacklustre stock take, I must admit. I am definitely experiencing a bit of the blahs lately. I suspect a lot of folks are. Fingers crossed for better times ahead! That is all.

Until next time,

Ness

The Stuff I Do For Self Care

By Ness 10:49 am // 2 comments

Hello, dear readers. I hope you are well and staying safe wherever you are in this vast universe. Which could be anywhere. You never know, it's entirely possible that alien beings or other life forms are reading this. Anything is possible, right? Shut up.

Well anyway, I am here to blather on about self care. And knock me down and blow me sideways into an alternative universe or something but it turns out that self care isn't eating crap tonnes of cakie things and hoping for the best. HMPH. Maybe that could be arranged to be a thing in the aforementioned alternative universe? Please, and thank you.

In the meantime here are the tedious things I am attempting to put in place in no particular order. I say 'attempting to' because self care is always a stop and start thing with me. Sigh.

Here goes:

Exercise

This sometimes takes place in the form of a walk outside but more often than not I put on a YouTube video and do it that way. The only problem with this method is that some of the instructors can be super perky and plain annoying. I don't mind Jessica Smith and Jenny Ford and if you have any other suggestions I'd love to hear them. I stick to the low impact 'walking' type stuff cause I am prone to vertigo and I have to stay safe.

I also do specific exercises for my neck and Benign Positional Vertigo. These suck, but such is life. Sigh.

Vitamins

I began taking a vitamin tonic called Fishers Phosphorine which I ordered here. My psychologist recommended it. It's early days so I don't know yet if it will have any effect. We shall see. I also take vitamin b complex, vitamin C and Blackmores Macu-vision as a preventative thing cause my mum has that thing where you have to have needles in your eyes and that freaks me out. Gulp.

And most importantly, my double dose of Vitamin D: sitting in the sunshine with my cutie Channy Bear.

Eating well

Cue a snorty honking scoffing cynical laugh. Yes, this is still my most fraught area. I still eat way too many cakies but I do ingest some fruit and veg as well.

I've also reduced caffeine and am replacing some cups of regular tea with chamomile tea. Baby steps, as they say. Whoever 'they' are.

Sleep

Gotta make sure I get those zzz's. The chamomile tea helps.

Hobbies

I'm making time for my hobbies, like this blog. I abandoned it for a while there, but it's a good little thing for me to have as a distraction, so here I am.

I'm also making time for things like reading and listening to music. Just to mix it up and keep it cutting edge I also indulge in crosswords, fill in's and colouring in. Shut up. They are all calming activities for me. The thing is, I need a low key life. Too much stimulation and excitement is not great for this introverted 'Aspie.' Which segues into...

Alone time

I really need to be all by my lonesome to recharge sometimes. Alone but not lonely, if you know what I mean. This is challenging at the moment with the five of us stuck here in lockdown but luckily Mickey Blue Eyes prefers being outdoors and I like being indoors so it works out to a degree.

And by far the most important form of self care for me at the moment is...

Admitting I need help

My old nemesis whom I named Agnes (aka anxiety) has been biting me in the butt again after a long period of stability and growth. I had to admit I need help again. I began a low dose medication again and have a plan for some sessions with my psychologist.

Luckily I have a great GP and psychologist, and I never give up.

Having said that, if any of those potential alien readers can confirm if they have discovered an easier way to achieve self care I'm all ears.

And don't worry, I'm onto to those shrink appointments. Ahem.

Until next time,

Ness

Sharing Snaps

By Ness 10:27 am // 4 comments

Greetings, earthlings!

Sharing is caring, so I'm here to share my snaps for Life This Week. Fair warning: most of them are my most excellent canine companion, the illustrious Uncanny Channy, aka Chandler. Sorry, not sorry!

The way I see it, things are so grim right now why wouldn't you want to look at a cute doggo? Unless you're ~~a psycopath~~ not a dog person. In which case there's nothing for you to see here. Good bye. *Waves*

CHANDLER

A car trip to Nurragingy Reserve

An uncomfortable pose, perched on the edge of the couch

THAT FAAACE

The King in his throne

Channy and I cuddling

SO handsome

Face and paw snuggling onto my leg. Nawww...

CHANDLER SLEEPING

TREES

Nurragingy Reserve

Bees in our wattle tree

FOOD

A whatever's in the fridge pasta concoction I made.
Tasted pretty good.

ZOO

Highlights of our trip to Sydney Zoo back in May. I think we got a few animals in there. Ahem. It now seems like an eternity ago and unthinkable that we had such freedom!

DIPLOMA

And last but not least, I finally received my diploma! YAY!

End of snaps.

Until next time,

Ness

Shopping, Selling & Serena

By Ness 8:57 am // 7 comments

Picture it. Sydney. January, 2021. A bustling shopping centre. A steaming cappuccino. And me. With my parents. Because it's perfectly normal for a grown ass woman to go shopping with her folks. Isn't it? Sniff.

This was our Monday morning ritual. In fact, we were regulars at the local shopping centre. It was practically my home away from home. Until lockdown life became a thing. Shopping is now an altogether different experience.

Image credit: Free Stock Photos · Pexels

I do like shopping for the most part. Occasionally all the noise, brightness, people and potential decision making becomes a bit too much for this aspie. Yes, in case you forgot or didn't know, I'm on the autistic spectrum. It sometimes seems like I forget this myself. Or at least push it aside and try to do all the things and then it's all suddenly too much and I have to hide again. But back to shopping.

As a child I was terrified of lifts and escalators. Specifically I didn't like attempting to step onto what was essentially moving stairs. Sometimes this fear still crops up as an adult. Especially because I have recurring episodes of vertigo. Not fun.

Because of this, I often feel more secure when I'm pushing a trolley. It gives me something to hang onto. However there's also the fact that trolleys are kinda gross. People leave rubbish in them. Not to mention their germs. Add the pesky old global pandemic thing and there's a whole new level of super germs and grossness. Totally a word. I think. Maybe? Probably not, but you know what I mean.

All this is to say that shopping is an interesting experience for me. I have spent a good deal of my life out shopping so obviously I like it on some level despite its challenges.

Just before the current Sydney lockdown I was getting into going to op shops. I've always been a fan of them for used books, but now I'm also interested in second hand clothes. I can only afford cheap clothes which are often the product of sweat shops and don't last. Alas, op shops are all closed at the moment.

The other option is online shopping. I haven't managed to fully embrace online shopping. I've never done an online grocery shop, even during lockdown.

The other week our kettle died, so Mickey Blue Eyes went to Kmart to get a new one. When he got there it was a deserted wasteland. Meaning it was closed. Only click and collect was available. Makes sense. I don't see how K Mart being open for 24 hours is 'essential'.

We decided to order a decent kettle from The Good Guys via click and collect. According to Mickey Blue Eyes the process of picking it up was convoluted. He had to wait in the car for an eternity. Clearly everyone desperately needs electrical goods in the middle of a lockdown. Yeah, that tracks. What else are you gonna do besides stay home and play with your gadgets? Or something...

When we unpacked the kettle at home it was smaller than we'd thought from the picture online. I guess we're just old, but sometimes it's better to sight certain items before purchase. Ultimately we decided that since the prospect of having anyone over for a cuppa in the foreseeable future is rather slim, a smaller kettle would suffice.

Side note: we almost never have anyone over pandemic or not cause we're slack arseholians. Oops.

A few months ago I tried a bit of Facey market place buying and selling for the first time. Quite the interesting experience if I don't say so myself. Not really a fan. Zero stars. Do not recommend.

One of the things I've noticed is, I tend to take things literally. Another aspie thing. So if someone lists their location as Suburb X, I expect it to be literally that suburb whereas it could be within a rather wide radius. There are specific rabbit warren suburbs I refuse to drive into with the same commitment and antipathy I reserve for certain stores like IKEA. Not happening. Nope. Never again in this lifetime.

I drove Mr 17 to one such suburb to pick up something earlier this year and I thought we'd never get out. We ended up on foot trying to find the house. No thanks. Again: zero stars.

When I enquired about an item on market place, the seller pounced on me and tried to sell me a bunch of other shit I wasn't interested in. Then she was all cloak and dagger about her exact location. I get being cautious, but I'm old fashioned and like to know in advance where I'm going rather than winging it with Google maps.

When I said I'd changed my mind she shouted at me in caps and blocked me. Which saved me the trouble of doing it to be fair. The blocking, not the caps lock shouting. Not really my thing. OF COURSE IT'S NOT! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!! Tee hee.

Then I decided to dabble in a bit of selling. I listed a coat I've had languishing in a cupboard for years. It only fitted me for one winter when I was on Weight Witches. These days I am a very bad witch. Picture a plus sized Serena from Bewitched. Actually, that sounds pretty awesome to me, just quietly. A plus sized Serena would be totally groovy and farout.

Serena would be groovy at any size.

Back to my listing. The questions starting pinging on messenger:

Can you drop it off in Woop Woop?

Can you post it to South Australia?

No, and no. Postage or petrol would cost more than the 20 bucks I was asking for it.

I finally sold it to another lady, but as soon as I saw her in my driveway I knew the coat very likely wouldn't fit her. I'm not saying she's also bad witch. I'm just saying the coat is very snug.

As expected she messaged me later:

It doesn't fit 😔

I said sorry and told her to bring it back if she wanted.

Then came those little dots as she typed...

I tensed.

It's ok I'll give it to my granddaughter.

Phew. No caps lock shouting and no refunds necessary!

Not sure if I'm in a hurry to repeat the experience, though.

One thing I would like to repeat is my Monday morning cappuccino with my folks as soon as it's safe. Fingers crossed!

Hope everyone is staying sane and safe. And enjoying online shopping!

Until next time,

Ness

Do you like shopping, online or otherwise?

Memories of Dogs and Dresses

By Ness 8:08 am // 4 comments

Hello, dear people! Today I thought I'd take a take a delightful stroll down memory lane and recall the dogs I've loved and dresses I've worn. Why not?

Incongruous perhaps, but that's how my mind works. Or doesn't work, as the case may be. Details.

DOGS

Samantha

My devotion to dogs began early. At the age of around 3 or 4 mum and dad bundled my brother and I into the old Datsun 1200 and we drove to my auntie's place at Fairfleld. My cousins were getting a puppy and we decided to do the same. Why not get one from the same adorable litter?

Enter, Samantha the sausage dog.

Samantha and I circa 1981

She had to be Samantha because Bewitched was my favourite show at the time. Side note: let's take a minute to also appreciate my mum's glorious garden and my original shade of red hair (see above). It's hard to believe I was bullied and called a red headed rat rooter (among other things) because of it!

Things I remember regarding Samantha:

Singing the Olivia Newton John song Sam (badly) to her
She went ballistic when the milkman came to deliver milk (remember those?!) Later we discovered he'd been unkind to her. And she wasn't about to cow down. Not our Samantha!
I believe I tried to smuggle her into my bed once. Mum was very house proud and dogs were not allowed on beds!
She loved food and became quite portly at one stage.
Eventually she was plagued with the back issues that effect the breed and passed away. That was a devestating day for us all.
She was truly unique. I know everyone thinks this about their dog but she was! Of all the dogs I've loved she was definitely the most intelligent. I swear she understood everything you said as if she was human. But better. Cause everyone knows dogs are better than humans.

Skippa and Penny

Left: Samantha and I circa 197?
Right: Penny, Skippa and I circa 1985ish

To be honest I can't remember which of this duo came first. They had a litter of puppies together. Skippa also had the same back issues, but Penny plodded into old age and keeled over in my parents backyard one day. They were both sweethearts.

Betsy and Jake

My parents didn't have any more dogs for a while. Then they got a beautiful beagle named Maggie. By then I was out of the house, married to Mickey Blue Eyes. Maggie had a litter of puppies and I wanted one. Enter, Betsy. I earnestly promised Mick I'd pick up after her etc. Spoiler alert: I didn't. Oops.

My beautiful Betsy girl

Now in the meantime we had also ended up with Jake. A little yappy overgrown rat. Betsy and Jake were quite funny together and chased each other around the outside of the house. Watching their antics was hilarious.

Admittedly, I had a love/hate relationship with Jake but Mick adored him. He yapped his little bum off until the ripe old age of 17.

Cookie

The magnificent Miss Cookie

Another very special girl. Cookie was our first rescue dog but she rescued us, really. She was so sweet and gentle. Unfortunately she'd had breast cancer before we adopted her and it returned. We had to let her go last year and it broke my heart. I'll never forget Cookie.

DRESSES

All of the following dresses were sewn by my talented and generous Mum. She's a bloody legend, and I have been rather spoiled over the years. There has been some talk of selling them, but to be honest I'm not sure I can let them go. To have such beautiful garments, including my wedding dress, handmade by my mum is something so special I can't put it into words so I'll let the pictures say everything: