What's In My Handbag plus Shopping SUCKS

My TITS are in my handbag. That got your attention, didn't it? Okay, not my tits exactly, but my pretty pink Ipod that my brilliant imaginary friends Posski and Randa gave me was christened TITS. Perfect.

This is all leading up to today's confession, which is, most surprisingly:

What is in your handbag right now?

Allow me to tell you:

TITS (aka pink Ipod)

A purse. Sadly one that doesn't contain much cold, hard cash. Sigh

A book.

A tattered Fill-In. They're sort of like a lazy person's crossword, because they give you the answers and you fill them in in the right spots corresponding with each other. 

My adult colouring-in book.

My pencil case with pencils, pens and textas. (See above).

My lip balm. 

Normally I might have a brush, but I don't need those right now. I'm baldy. HAWT.  I now have a small collection of large handbags and a large collection of lovely hats. Awesome. 

That's about it. These items are essential for my long, boring chemo treatments and copious waiting in doctor's waiting rooms for appointments. This is pretty much my life right now.

Nothing much to report there except I had Cycle 3 of chemo last Wednesday and so far it's treating me kindly. Furthermore, I am nearly finished!!! Hallelujah! One more Cycle on the 24th and I'm DONE! 

Of course, then I will get my genetic test results back and find out what the next step is.  I am only very slightly petrified about this. Gulps.

So in order to keep my mind occupied I've been doing some of the afore-mentioned things in my handbag, reading, fill-ins etc. Additionally I've written some very dodgy poems. I won't share all of them with you (you're welcome), but this one made me giggle. I hope you do, too. 

Here goes:

SHOPPING SUCKS: A touching poem 

By Yours Truly

Shopping and cooking are a mystery to me
Yet often I drool over a recipe I see
Optimistically I set off, finding myself here at the shop
Where I frantically search for the list I forgot

It's laying at home, mocking and derisive
For even IT knows I am never decisive
Then I ponder and think, what items did I jot?
Do you think I remember? No! I cannot! 

Do I need coffee? Do I need tea?
What is the difference between camenbert and brie?
I know I need milk, but don't know what kind
We all prefer different types, you will find

The boys prefer THEIR milk to be fully-leaded
But the way that my dodgy cholesterol is headed
I am resigned to the boring old skim
Mickey Blue Eyes? It's 'light' milk for him! 

Of course I'll buy bread, but definitely NO CAKE!
Why? Because we all know I'll eat it, for goodness sake!
Did I need plain or self-raising flour?
I become more annoyed and perplexed by the hour

 I heave my clunky trolley through the brightly lit aisles
Wondering if other folk suffer all these trials
Up aisle one, down aisle two, three and four
My head is aching and my feet are so sore
Coles FM is droning on, I can't take it anymore! 

If I have to endure 'easy listening' for so long
PLEASE at least play a Carpenters song!
Then suddenly, while overwhelmed by choice
I DO blissfully hear that unrecognisable voice

Unperturbed, along I start singing
Impervious to the peeved looks I am bringing
I'm the weird woman who croons as she lingers
For slightly too long near the Birds Eye Fish Fingers

Abruptly I snap out of my Karen reverie
Feeling foolish, all eyes are following me
I must hurry up, get straight back to my task
Finish the shopping , get out of here FAST! 

There are three ravenous boys, all of whom I must feed
Even if they refuse the five serves of veggies they need
It has to be done, so on I endeavour
This is fun! RIGHT. Said no one, EVER!

Then a family reunion is starting to thrive
Conveniently clogging up most of aisle five
How will ever get out of here alive?
But I must keep going, so onwards I strive

Alas, it seems that even this isn't enough
It's just not my day. I must have no luck!
I spot some one I know, there in full sight!
An introvert's awkward and most irksome plight

I stop in dismay, watching like a hawk
Petrified I'll be cornered into difficult small talk
But when I turn to make my escape
Again I have made the most ghastly mistake

What else can go wrong? Yes, I know, I know! 
But it's torture for me in the confectionery row!
Mars Bars seem to tease me before my very eyes
As if they too know they would head straight to my thighs

Then ALL the chocolates join in and chant their evil chorus
Buy us! Eat us! Buy us! Eat us, Ness! You know you just adore us!
I'm forced to flee from the lane of all things yummy
The last thing I need is a bigger, rounder tummy

Leaving the chocolate's taunting refrain
I then reach the aisle of my ultimate shame
Yes, for me cleaning products cause genuine pain
Gumption, Ajax, mops and Pledge-Grab-Its
Remind me of all of my slovenly habits

These items will transform me into a Domestic Goddess!
Just buy us! We're brilliant! They insincerely promise.
Besides I'm aware that all you need is bleach
But how do you stand the smell, I will beg and beseech? 

Weary and bewildered, I randomly fill my trolley
A very impractical and most unwitting folly
I have had quite enough, I just can't pretend
It's time to bring this shopping thing limping to it's end

I trudge to the front in order to pay
But why is there only one cashier open today?
Once in line, the cashier is quite chatty
The endless yakking instead of packing is driving me batty

Then of course comes the inevitable price check
Isn't this all just a big pain in the neck?
Eventually my load is all finally scanned through
Then comes the terrible thing I must do

I reach for my purse and feel my hand quiver
As I hand over copious cash, a kidney, a liver
Arriving home, I unpack my all my food
And briefly relax my jittery mood

I'm pleased and relieved I've completed my feat
Then the boys arrive home and with these words they greet:

MUM, THERE'S NOTHING HERE TO EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you enjoy shopping?

What's in your handbag right now? 

Linking up for I Must Confess, Open Slather and Mummy Mondays. 

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Here I Am

Hello, dear people. It's been a while since I checked in  here. What's that? You didn't notice? How rude. HMPH.

Anyway, the reason for my absence was the passing of my mother-in-law (may she rest in peace) and being without a laptop. It has finally been fixed, so here I am.

Then, for some zany reason I cannot fathom, last Wednesday I became a dutiful housewife. I dusted. I vacuumed. I cleaned and tidied. I tidied and cleaned. I changed sheets and made beds. I SLAVED over dinner. It certainly was a tremendous effort to order the Chinese take away. I can only hope my family appreciates the extreme sacrifices I make for them.

Needless to say, this led to me being extremely lavish in my efforts to take rather long naps. In addition to all of this I also kept up my regular exercise routine. No seriously, I actually DO have a regular exercise routine. Please stop that sardonic laughter! Actually, I just felt like saying the word sardonic for the sake of it. Sardonic. Very satisfying. It's not like you get to say such words in everyday life, is it? Derisive works here, too. Take your pick. 

But what was I saying? Oh yes. Exercise. I exercise frequently. SUCH a shame that there never appears to be any visible evidence of this. Ditto the housework. Rude. So basically what I am saying is, I am wonder woman. I wonder what I'll do next? I'll probably type this sentence. See?

Then it hit me. This week it's Halloween. I can just leave all the dust and cobwebs and claim they're part of the theme of this week. It's actually like I've been prepared and ready for Halloween for all these years, before Halloween was even a thing in Australia. See? Who said I'm not organised?

But here's my Halloween dilemma. For the past two years we had a few trick or treaters knock on the door. However, I wasn't prepared, so I ended up giving them lame treats, like packets of sultanas or tiny teddies.  I'm wondering if I should stock up on lollies, but at the same time I don't want the temptation of having them around because I'll eat them. I'm classy like that.

My boys haven't expressed any desire to go trick or treating, and secretly I'm glad. It just doesn't appeal to me to go randomly knocking on doors asking for sweets, despite being a chocoholic. Halloween was never really a tradition in Australia when I was growing up in the 1970s and 80s. Maybe that's why I don't get into it. I never feel like I'm missing out on something because it just didn't exist in my childhood.It's like how some people from other parts of the world probably feel like Christmas isn't Christmas without snow. In Australia we never have a white Christmas, and you don't miss something you've never had. You don't even think about it.

Meanwhile, even my 74 year old mother is getting into the Halloween spirit. She was invited to a party and is planning to dress up. There was a time when I went to Rotaract  Halloween parties and dressed up as Morticia. Sadly, these days my only dress up option would be  a witch or ghost.  And all I'd need is the pointy hat, cloak and broomstick. No make-up. Sigh.

Come to think of it, I already became a fully-fledged witch at Weight Witches!  For some reason, there was no broomstick handed out. Furthermore, the nose twitching thing remains mysteriously elusive. Weird. Very weird indeed. Perhaps my magical powers will suddenly come out to play when it's Halloween? Think about it. It certainly would be handy to turn some one into a toad when they annoy you. Just kidding. I'm a nice witch. 

My Morticia days are over *sobs*

Anyway, it's really hard to believe that it's the end of October. Consequently this means that November is a mere week away. Wasn't it just January a couple of months ago?

This means that Mr 6 becomes Mr 7 next Monday and a week later it's mine and Mickey Blue Eyes' 20th wedding anniversary. Wasn't it just 1995 a few years ago? Shut up.

On that note, I still haven't started Christmas shopping. Apparently I like living on the edge. But I'm not alone. According to a comprehensive study I conducted, most people prefer to leave Christmas shopping until December where it belongs. Using 'comprehensive study' in the sense of a random Facebook status update I posted a few weeks ago.

It's all good, though. We are very close to obtaining our passports, which means we can now fire up the private jet and take off at a moments notice if we choose. Or, you know, just go to Dubbo again just because we're quirky. Quirky, dammit! NOT tight-asses. Ahem.

Speaking of random stuff, (we weren't, but you know me and my meandering posts) I actually bought something from Evilbay for the first time ever! I'm onto all the newfangled things just like all the youngsters. There's no telling what can happen from here. Hopefully not Evilbay addiction. Which is a thing, according to certain friends who call it Evilbay for that reason. Scary. But scary is the theme of the week.

So BOO!

Linking up with Kirsty, Alicia and Eva.

Do you celebrate Halloween? 

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I Love Lobster (But Liebster Is Good Too)

Why hello groovers and shakers! I'm back after a brief interlude. I was busy sunning myself in Hawaii, drinking cocktails and reading romance novels. Oh wait... 

That was in my fantasies. Sigh.

In reality I was busy with sick kidlets and the general busyness of this thing called life. While it appeared that I wasn't doing anything unusual, my mind was in a constant overdrive of over-thinking about stuff and getting more and more confused. It's a gift people. 

Anyway, a few weeks ago the lovely Rhianna over at Rhianna Writes nominated me for something called a Liebster Award. Thanks, Rhianna! 

At first I thought it was something to with Lobster and I might get a Lobster meal out of it. Nope. Damn. I love lobster mornay. 

I really want lobster now. HMPH.

I just have to answer a few questions. Here goes:

What makes you happy?

That's easy! Cakies and Carpenters music. Oh, and my family of course! I also do a bit of aerobicising every day to get a few endorphins happening. 

Why did you start blogging?

I used to write those awful Christmas/Year In Review letters to my friends and family. They were such a hit that it became clear that I was a comic genius and I should bring my particular brand of self-deprecating bullshit wit and humour to the entire world via a blog. You're all welcome. 


What is the best thing anybody has ever said about your blog?

I've had so many people BEGGING me to write a book. Okay,  it was only one or two people who have kindly suggested it. Another also suggested I should do stand-up comedy. Which is hilarious, because I'm so shy. Somebody else said it shows who I am. Now that I think about it, I was blogging about being a bogan at the time, so I'm not sure if that was a compliment...

What are your top three bucket list items?

Um. The thing is I don't do bucket lists, but my fuck it list is quite long, as the joke goes. 

I suppose if I thought about it I'd like to move to a better house and have an overseas trip with my family. For the third thing I'll say I don't know exactly, but maybe I'll surprise myself and do something I have never even thought of. Okay, it's a long shot, but you never know... 

What is one thing you can't live without?

Oxygen, food and water. Wait, that's three things... 

Um. I'm guessing this question wasn't meant to be taken quite so literally? But what do you want from me? I'm an Aspie!


What is your favourite Australian travel destination?

We've made repeat trips to Cairns and Tassie. So it must be those places. As well as Dubbo. Who could forget about Dubbo? Shut up.

What two countries make you the happiest to visit?

I've only been in two. Australia and Holland when I was a girl. I think I was happy while there. There is actual video footage of a ten-year-old Ness skipping through the tulips in existence, but I have no idea how to upload it here, so you'll have to imagine it. 

Image credit:http://7-themes.com/6975495-tulips-field-holland.html

I skipped through these in 1981. Well, not these actual tulips,
but similar ones. Details.

What is your favourite and least favourite word?

I love words. I can't possibly single out one favourite. There are so many. Myriad, ethereal, curmudgeonly, dishevelled..  Not to mention CAKE. Who can choose?

As for least favourite, again there are several, but I really hate hearing the word retard. Sadly, there have been times when my boys have said it and I turned seventeen different shades of purple and green and have to keep on reiterating that we never say that word. Ugh. 

If you found out that due to a mix-up at the hospital that one of your children wasn't yours, would you give them back?

No, not now. It's far too late for that. They've gone over to the dark side at this point. Now that you mention it, none of them are quiet and shy. Maybe they aren't mine? But I seem to recall being there when they were born. Weird. 

Now, apparently I have to nominate people. This is the part that I find difficult because I am really not very good at this blogging community thing. (I'm trying to be better, but I'm still a space cadet. Oops). By the time I get around to joining in, every other blogger has been nominated already. So I'm just going to nominate the three link-up hosts who I'm joining in with today. Firstly because they're all awesome, and secondly because at least I know that they might read this. Lets face it, the only people who read my musings are other link-up bloggers and my Mum. Which is a shame because so  many people are missing out on my genius. Such a tragedy. Sigh. 

Anyway, over to you Kirsty, Alicia and Eva.

If you've already been nominated, just ignore me or answer in the comments. You can answer any of the above questions or alternatively these ones:

Do you like lobster mornay?

Are you an over thinker? 

Over and out. 

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