Today I Will...

Today I will wake up in the morning bursting to pee with enthusiasm.

Then I will go for a lovely refreshing walk. To the kitchen. Specifically, the fridge.

Today I will hug my boys. Well, Mr 9 at least, because he's the only one who lets me these days.

Today I will breathe and be thankful and all that hippy drippy positivity stuff. When I'm not being grumpy or bored or irritable or anxious... Who me? Nah, never.

I expect I will have a cup of tea. Actually, several. Hence the bursting thing... See above.

It's highly likely that I will stare vacantly into space at some point.

Furthermore, I am quite certain that I will walk into a room and forget exactly why I did so.

I will eat healthy food and nourish my body. Unless there is cake, because let's be honest, I'll shovel that shit in.

I might go shopping. Well, I will be in the shops. I may not do much actual shopping because apparently they expect you to pay for things which I find quite rude.

I will reluctantly lovingly prepare food and feed my family. Well, they'll eat something at some point anyway, even if it's cereal.

Today I will be purposeful and proactive instead of meandering and reactive. Snorts. Strike that. Reverse it.

Today I will jot my lovely list in my bullshit bullet journal and cross off ALL THE THINGS. OK, some of the things. Shut up.

Today I will laugh at the absurdity of everything. Because seriously, what else can you do?

Today I will read memes on the internet and share them.  Because I enjoy wasting my life on such frivolities.

Today I will try not to compare myself to others. After all, I'm awesome. Well, flawsome at least. Sniff.

Today I will wear my comfy shoes. And no bra because comfy and bra in the same sentence is an oxymoron.

Today I will type this sentence. Done. 

I will wash a mountain of dishes. That's always fun. Said no one ever.

No wait, I'm supposed to be MINDFUL while I do so. Okey dokey. I will mindfully wash a mountain of dishes. Nope. Still not fun.

I will tell my monkey mind 'NOT NOW' when it tries to trick me with its taunts.

Today I will read some words and write some words. I will probably only utter one or two words however, because that's just how I roll.

Today I will do lots of housework because I'm a dedicated and diligent housewife. And also we're expecting visitors so I kinda have no choice. Details. 

Today I will scratch my ears because they're always so damn itchy. Why are they always itchy? 

Today I will ponder upon the fact that in one month and four days I will be 47 years old and I'm so glad to be getting older and that I don't have to start chemo two days before my birthday like I did in 2016. 

Today I will pick up random crap as I go about my housework (see above) and become baffled about what it is, where it came from and what the hell are we living like. Just me? 

I will pause for a cup of coffee mid morning. Because I like to mix it up from all the cups of tea. 

Today I will focus on just today instead of thinking about tomorrow or pondering on yesterday. Until I get into bed and brain doesn't want to oblige. Silly brain. 

Today I will type an ending to this blog post. Otherwise I'll still be here rambling on tomorrow and nobody wants that. 

OK. Done.

What about you?

What will you do today? 

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Kiss And Tell: The Decision

Hello again, gorgeous people! I'm back with a quick and dirty* bit of flash fiction for Friday Reflections using the prompt: Kiss And Tell. 

Drum roll please...

Here it is:

 KISS AND TELL: THE DECISION 

Rochelle's fingers hovered over the keyboard. Her shoulders were rigid with tension and repressed fury. Should she tell her? She wouldn't usually kiss and tell. But this wasn't a usual situation. Not for her anyway. The woman's serene features gazed at her from her Facebook profile. With the tap of her fingers Rochelle could change everything. All she had to do was tell her the truth about her husband. Rochelle was still reeling from the revelation that Nathan was married. Why should he get away with it? Her decision was made. Her fingers flew across the keyboard. It was done. She had the feeling she couldn't tell Nathan's wife anything she didn't know already. But she was done with online dating. She'd deleted her Tinder profile. 

THE END

 *Okay, not so much dirty, but very quick.   

What do you think?

What you kiss and tell in this situation?                                             

Image credit: https://www.pexels.com/

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Eccentric

Hello again! It's me, the one and only Ness behind this here Nessville thingymajig. 

Well, what can I tell you?  

I'm chiming in at the last minute for Friday Reflections. The prompt was: Eccentric.

And I'm pretty sure I am. Eccentric, that is. 

Also; boring. Boringly eccentric. Or eccentrically boring. Or something. 

Here's why: 

I write a pointless blog about myself that no one reads. Meh,  I prefer to think of it as inventing my own little world. Whatever. 

I decided to shave my hair off and keep it in a 'silver pixie' style right after having it grow back after chemo all curly and Leo Sayer like, and then it finally looked normal and I did that. The silver pixie thing. 

Me with my pixie hair and a toblerone cocktail. 

I can't seem to form sentences (see above), but that doesn't stop me from pretending I'm a writer/blogger.

I went on a road trip and one of the most exciting things I did while away was hit the op shops because I'm wild and crazy like that. WHOOOOOOO! 

I have eccentric offspring. May as well pass on the weirdness. Related: When we were away Mr 9 desperately wanted a skull ring and a pink flamingo money box. That's my boy.

I don't really talk.

I wear granny clothes, to go with my silver pixie.

My current fixations are true crime and Jane Austen novels.

I like to leave my tea bags IN. Might as well live dangerously. 

Most things that delight others bore the bejesus out of me. I'm thinking sport here. And vice versa. The things that delight me bore everyone else. I'm thinking Carpenters music here. 

I keep a 'bullet journal' that is, in fact, more like a bullshit journal. 

I have tonnes of paper and notebooks about the place, but they don't even have to be all pretty and special. I can't even throw the boys old school books out if they have spare/blank pages left in them. But at the same time, I'm bewildered about the endless plethora of 'printables' available on blogs and what the point of them is. I dunno. I'm weird. 

I get about feeling decidedly strange and yet never speak of it. Strange, as in this weird dizzy, spacey, shifting feeling in my head thing that's hard to explain, hence my never doing so. Sigh. 

I get jealous when I see people on social media out and about enjoying life. But it's not typical jealousy in the same way someone else might be jealous. It's jealously of other people's apparent lack of anxiety (and dizziness and anxiety about dizziness...). This is something that permeates every single thing that I do almost every day, so I crack the sads now and again and do that poor little me sooky la la thing. 

But at the same time, I can take pleasure in simple things. I don't necessarily need to be out and about and on the go all the time. Just last Saturday night I was sitting in my living room with all my mismatched, secondhand furniture, feeling quite contented with my Christmas trees twinkling at me, my cuppa tea, and my hard cover Jane Austen three-in-one I bought for two bucks fifty at the Sal's (op shop). Pride & Prejudice/Mansfield Park/Persuasion for any Austenphiles playing along. 

Yeah, so that's me. Eccentric. 

And just to continue the eccentricity I am also linking this up for Life This Week and Open Slather because I won't get around to writing something else because I have to have a blood test in the morning and go shopping and it's nearly Christmas and I'm rambling and I seem to have forgotten what punctuation is and.... 

That's enough from me. 

What about you?

What makes you eccentric? 

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If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee, here's what I'd tell you:

• Nothing because I don't talk. But assuming I did...
• Still nothing, because I'd be too busy drinking coffee and shoving cake in my gob. As far as I'm concerned if we're having coffee, we should be having cake too. Duh. But let's pretend I suddenly became chatty...
• I'd tell you I'm heading off for a road trip with my Mum and Mr 9. We're going to Wagga Wagga to visit relatives. 
• I'm not ready for Christmas, but what else is new.
• Um. I'd probably have to make something up because my life is fairly ordinary.
• I'm learning Chinese so I can go and visit that amazing library over there.
• I made that last point up. See above.
• I went to K Mart the other day. I didn't explode and die from the excitement of it all. Amazing.
• It doesn't seem likely I will ever be a bestselling novelist if this blog and my abysmal attempt at NaNoWriMo is anything to go by. Sigh. 
• I need to pee but I'm too lazy to get up.
• That last point was probably too much information. Oops.
• I may have written this post after drinking two Scotch and Coke's.
• There was no need to use the word may in that last point.
• There is a thunderstorm happening right now.
• I should probably get out more and really have coffee with actual humans in person. Anyone? 

So, that's it from me. What about you?

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

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Taking Stock: November Edition

Making: Cups of tea. What else? 

Cooking: Dinner. I am still expected to do this EVERY NIGHT because the Dinner Fairy never arrives. HMPH. 

Drinking: Tea and water. I did buy a bottle of wine the other day and then realised I was on anti-biotics so I couldn't have any. Cue weepy violin music. 

Reading: Just finished a novel I borrowed from the library called The Misinterpretation Of Tara Jupp. It was okay, but waaay too long. Now I have to decide what to read next. 

Trawling: Hmmm, no trawling whatsoever happening for me at the moment.

Wanting: World peace. A cure for cancer. To eat whatever I want and not get fat. Twenty million dollars. Yeah, just when you thought I was deep...

Looking: For a good book to read.

Deciding: The book thing. See above.

Wishing: I was one of those insane sporty people who love running and crossfit and netball and soccer and bats balls boorrring...

Enjoying: The last few weeks of spring before the seventh circle of hell that is summer arrives. 

Waiting: Seems like I'm always waiting for anxiety to pass. It always does, BUT.... lordy I'm sick of it. Sigh. 

Liking: Typing shitty words. I'm weird. 

Wondering: This that and the other. About life, the universe and everything. 

Loving: Don't really know, other than the usual trite answer of my boys. 

Listening: To too many true crime podcasts. Some one make me stoooop...

Considering: Going back to another dietitian. I went a while back and was kind of underwhelmed... but anyway, excuses excuses... 

Buying: Lots of groceries. And some clothes for the boys and myself. 

Watching: Ummm. Not watching much besides Rosehaven and The Letdown on ABC. 

Hoping: Certain things I cannot speak of will work out. 

Marvelling: There is no marvelling at the moment. Not feeling particularly marvelous at all right now. This too shall pass. 

Cringing: At this post. It's so boring. 

Needing: Cold hard cash, a kick up the arse, a new brain, a new body. And, I dunno, everything. 

Questioning: Why I'm even bothering with this.

Smelling: Coffee.

Wearing: Granny clothes, because I'm classy like that. 

Noticing: I have a sore throat and I'm in a sooky la la mood today. See above. 

Knowing: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Capital N, capital O, capital T... Oh okay, you know how to spell nothing in caps.

Thinking: I'm thinking that thinking is over rated.

Admiring: Happy, perky, bubbly people... That is, when I don't want to stab them...

Getting: Ready to pack for Mr 16's school camp and a road trip I'm going on with my mum to Wagga Wagga to visit relatives. 

Disliking: Anxiety and tooth issues. Related: I had a tooth abcess and then had to have the tooth extracted last week. Fun times. 

Opening: Um. Cupboards and drawers so I can pack. See above.

Closing: Same. 

Feeling: Blah. Sooky sooky la la...

Celebrating: Nothing. Capital N, capital O... Oh yeah, we already did this. 

Pretending:  People read this shit. Then again, just as well they don't...

Embracing: I dunno. Nothing, really. 

Yeah, so that was depressing. Oops.

Tune in next time, when I will be back to my usual perky sunny cheerful self... Snorts.  

What are you celebrating in the month of November? 

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Someone Like Me

One of the most common sayings or pieces of advice out there is "Just be yourself." Which seems obvious and easy on the surface. I mean, who else can you be? We don't really get a choice do we?

When you're someone like me, someone who is shy, quiet, introverted and Aspie it becomes even more complex. It often seems like none of those things are truly accepted in society. How do you accept yourself when society doesn't?

Which brings me to this quote from Brene Brown.

This Brene Brown person seems to know what she's on about. How did she get to be such a smarty pants?

It sounds like she is talking about self-acceptance. As I explained, this is a particularly thorny issue for me. Time and time again I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. This is never helpful.

Who I think I should be: Some one who is confident and thoroughly competent. Organised and efficent.
Some one who is creative. But also driven, focused and determined.

I think I should be like everyone else. I dunno. Someone who likes the footy and fits in at parties.
Who plays netball and goes running. Someone who does a million things all with a smile on my face. Who is bubbly, personable and warm, always making others feel at ease.
Someone who keeps an immaculate house. Who adapts to changes. Takes risks.

Someone who always knows the right thing to say. How to explain things, answer questions and be a guide and mentor to my children.

I believe I should be someone who is positive, always seeing the brighter side of things. I believe I should have much more self-control, especially with my eating habits. I think I should be a health fanatic and be raising my boys in this way. I could go on and on and on...

Who I really am:

I am someone who forgets things. Important things. And not just once, but again, and again and again...
I am someone who always has a messy house. Who cannot make the simplest decisions. Cannot multi-task. I am the person who starts doing one thing, is interrupted and forgets the thing altogether. I am someone who gets overwhelmed easily if I have to do too many things.
I am always the quietest person in the room. An introvert. I am someone who has a lot of anxiety.
Who has never had a career. Who doesn't talk much at all. Who has many feelings but can't explain them. Who can't make friends easily. Is awkward at parties.
I am someone who is uncoordinated and doesn't like sport, participating or spectating.
I am someone who likes the same daggy music for decades.
I am someone who struggles to remain upbeat and positive constantly.

Someone who struggles to define my values and act upon them consistently.

I am not competitive or ambitious in any way.

I am disorganised and a daydreamer. I stop and start things. I don't really even know my own mind.

It's hard to explain. Like, I don't even know where I want to live. Consequently I still live in the same suburb I was born in almost 47 years ago.

Again, I could go on and on. But I won't.
I wish I could be different, but I'm not. And that's okay.
Just like the quote, I need to remind myself of this. Every single day.
Sigh.

What about you? Is authenticity a daily struggle for you?

PS: I am also someone who doesn't know how to fix things on this blog when it behaves weird. Why is it weird...??

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My Last Year Of School

In 1988, I finished my last year of high school. Almost 30 years ago. Yikes. I'm OLD.

I have to admit, I don't remember a great deal about it. I certainly wasn't studying like a maniac for the HSC. I had a bit of a laid back, I'll-do-it-tomorrow approach to it all. Coughs. Nothing's changed...

I was most likely too busy doing other important things. Just like every 1988 era 17 year old. You know, like watching The Comedy Company (which apparently premiered in February of that year) and  listening to my Carpenters and Barbra Streisand records... Oh wait...

Okay, I have no idea what regular 17 year olds did. But I suspect they had boyfriends and would sneak out to drink and try to get into night clubs...

But I totally did wild and crazy things too! Like staying up really late and watching the US today show when it came on at midnight or something. I'm such a rebel. Snorts. Oh yeah, there was an embarrassing incident when I sarcastically announced to the class that I was rebel, but I don't remember the finer details. Hmmmmm.

I had absolutely no idea whatsoever what I wanted to do when school ended. To this day, I still don't. I'm sure I'll figure it out one of these days.

Anyway, I don't feel like ruminating about all of that. So, instead let's just laugh at the fashions and hairstyles.

Here I am with my infamous mullet-perm.

I was kind of cute in a dorky way. Sort of. Maybe. Oh, shut up.


As I've already mentioned, I loved The Carpenters and Barbra, but predictably, I also loved Madonna. It was 1988. I was 17. I think it was compulsory.

I was stupidly shy and insecure, but at the school formal I thought I was pretty special in the dress my mum made me (Pictured above). It was ruched and strapless, and then it had this tulle over skirt thing with a gigantic bow. I think bows were a thing in the 80s.

Also, check out the lovely old carpet my parents had.😂

Not to mention to the beautiful doiles on the armchairs. Noice.

The only other thing I remember is that I completely bombed out in the HSC. Sigh. Sad face. 😭 I guess I am one of those reasonably intelligent people who just doesn't do well in structured exams. That's what I tell myself, anyway. Or it could have been that lack of studying thing... Oops. 

Anyway, fast forward 29 years and here I am smashing life and being delusional awesome, so all good. 

To be perfectly honest, I'm glad those school days are over. I was always a Nelly No Friends and therefore desperately lonely. Sigh. 

So I'm quite happy to be old after all. 

What about you? 

What do you remember about your last year of school? 

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