Box Office Bogan

It's quite obvious that my life should be made into a movie. In fact, I can't believe that nobody has ever approached me with a movie deal already. I mean, the story of my life has everything: triumph, tragedy, comedy, pathos, bogans AND cakies. Clearly all the ingredients for box office smash.

The only remaining question is: who should play the coveted part of yours truly? Just because Angelina Jolie is my doppelganger that doesn't mean she should automatically get the part. That wouldn't be fair. I'd have to give other actresses a fair chance too.

What do you mean you don't see the resemblance? You need to get your glasses adjusted! Or I do. As well as my medication. Oh alright, I suppose Nicole Kidman may be much more suited to the role being Australian and a tall, elegant, beautiful red head. Having two out of five of those things in common would certainly count as a resemblance, I'm sure. No? God, you people are hard to please.

Then again, you could have a point. After all, Cate Blanchett is the newest Oscar winner. Therefore she may well be keen to take on yet another stellar part which will be guaranteed to get another Oscar nod. She still has to catch up to Meryl, after all. This could be her most challenging role to date. A character who rarely talks. There will be no pages of witty dialogue to learn, instead she will have to use subtle nuances and blank expressions to convey the complexity of this bogan. Plus, there is the fact that she will have to shrink in height while quadrupling her width. I smell another Oscar right there, Cate.

Oh! I know! People were always telling me that I looked like Gillian Anderson when that Scummy and Mouldy show was all the rage. Well - at least one person did. They were being scathingly sarcastic but DETAILS. I'm sure that with some coaching from the brilliant Meryl she could pull of an Australian accent. Instead of "The dingo took my baby!" which became Meryl's oft repeated classic line from Evil Angels, the classic line from the movie of my life would be:

"The kids took my cakie!"

Riveting viewing right there.

However, after pondering on this important question for a while, I've realised that the perfect casting as me would be the wonderful Toni Colette. Not only is she Australian but she's also originally a Boganville girl herself. Apparently she grew up around these parts. I probably walked past her at the shops as a teenager in the 1980's, sporting a tragic perm, so I can practically claim to know her. The fact that she is jet-setting around the World starring in movies and my most exciting outing is STILL to those same shops every week, means nothing. My life is still worthy of a movie, dammit!

 From such humble beginnings Toni reinvented herself and went on to become famous and successful. And rich. And a great actress. And I think I hate her. What does she have that I don't? Talent? Yeah, you got me there.

Anyway, she's my ultimate choice to play me. I'm imagining her as a sort of middle aged Muriel (meaning me) which she could pull off with weight gain or a fat suit. It would almost be like a kind of sequel of sorts to Muriel's Wedding except it could be called Ness's Marriage or The Secret Dream World Of A Cakeaholic. The soundtrack would be peppered with Carpenters songs bringing back a wave of Carpenters nostalgia the way Muriel did for Abba.

"I want my life to be as good as a Carpenters song!" my character, played by Toni, would declare as Top Of The World trills cheerily in the background.

Then, in typical Hollywood fashion, there would be the obligatory, albeit completely fictional, happy ending when we finally leave Boganville forever having obtained that McMansion in Boganville Heights.

Micky Blue Eyes, the boys and I bundle into the car and drive off beaming at each other euphorically  as we shout:

"GOODBYE BOGANVILLE!" 

This time Please Mr Postman beats jauntily along as the credits roll. This song has absolutely nothing to do with the plot or ending. There just aren't that many upbeat Carpenters songs to be honest.

Alternatively, I could use my adult diagnosis with Asperger's Syndrome as the central theme. The film would then turn into a heartfelt and gripping drama about the complexities of living with High Functioning Autism equivalent to Rain Man or that movie about Temple Grandin starring Claire Danes. This would show how I have triumphed in life despite the diagnosis becoming a brilliant bogan blogger and enviable Yummy Mummy and MILF. I do have children and I find cakies and chocolate quite yummy so I eat them a lot. That is what being a Yummy Mummy is I think. And the boys tell me quite frequently that I'm a 'Mum I Love Forever'. That's the meaning of MILF, right?

So many options. Right. Time to place a call to Toni's agent seeing as though she is not responding to my emails. Can't imagine why.....

Linking up with Tegan from Musings Of The Misguided for I Must Confess.

                                                    
                                                 Who would play you in the movie of your life?

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Bloggy Break

This is just a quick post to let all of my adoring fans (there must be at least two of you) that I'm taking a bloggy break due to a combination of school holidays, lack of a computer and feeling blah and uninspired. Not that  any of this bogan bullshit was particularly inspired in the first place, anyway. Ahem. But I still like to bore you with it, regardless. You're welcome.

So, I guess you'll just have to find a cure for insomnia elsewhere for the time being. Hopefully, I'll be back soon. I think. Maybe. Probably. Most likely.

You can't get rid me of me that easily. How VERY DARE YOU. So ner.

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Bogan For Hire

The Lounge Lizards have us talking about careers and jobs this week, which is timely, as I happened to come across my old resume tucked away in a cupboard a few weeks ago. Upon perusing this ancient epistle, I was sincerely astonished.  Amazed, in fact. How it is that I never set the whole career world on fire with that thing I will simply never know.  I mean, apparently I could answer the phone and everything. Those are some serious skills right there.

Don't worry, if that sucker rings I know EXACTLY what to do.

 

This answering the phone ability certainly came in handy in THE WORST JOB I'VE EVER HAD. Which was in a call centre. Enough said, right?

It was a call centre for a major NSW Insurance Company and Road Side assistance concern. Let's just call them NR NO WAY. Their commercials would have you believe that they are exceedingly helpful to people. They probably are if you are broken down and need assistance. However, other than the exciting moment I actually spoke to Anthony Warlow when he called one day, I didn't find it find very helpful to my mental health working there.

 If ever I have to call them in present times I still have traumatic flashbacks to when I worked there. It was approximately 16 years ago since I left. It still haunts me. I sometimes have appalling nightmares that I am back there, with my head phones on and an obnoxious car dealer is shouting at me "ALPHA, ROMEO, FOXTROT, BRAVO, 137865 VICTORY, QUATRO!!"

Yeah, I didn't know what that meant either. My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Then there were the wonderful things we had there called Performance Reviews. My performance wasn't so sterling apparently. Hmph. Hard to believe with such an outstanding resume.

In addition to having the tremendous skill of answering the phone, one of the tasks I mastered in my role as an Assistant Library Technician at the State Library Of NSW many years ago, was the opening and sorting of mail. Impressive.  I simply don’t know how I never ended up actually becoming the State Librarian. 

Also, these skills were only the tip of the iceberg of my extraordinary ability. Evidently, I could also do filing and place bar code stickers on books!!  Such incredible attributes in one person!  Oh, and I could also shelve the books, use the photocopier and write up order forms!  I know. It’s just too much. No wonder I never achieved a permanent position in a library.  I was just too damn good.  Ahem.

Yep, I am ALWAYS doing this in my spare time.
I can even do this while eating cake. Or typing. Too easy.

If my stupendous skill list wasn’t quite enough awesomeness to take in, I was also intensely fascinating away from work. I had listed my interests as:  Reading, writing, typing, yoga, dogs and cooking. Interesting, since at the time I never managed to even write a shopping list, I accidentally murdered my dog , have dubious cooking skills and wouldn’t know a downward dog from a dagwood dog.  And since when is typing an interest? Typing??  I might as well have put down stamp collecting to make myself seem even more cutting edge.

Of course it has now been years, okay, decades, since I used all of those fabulous afore mentioned job skills. But, this is fine, because during  that time I have not been simply resting on my laurels. No siree. I have, in fact, added many more skills to my repertoire.

I completed a Statement of Attainment in something called Computing Skill For The Office to add to the Library Practice Associate Diploma that I completed more than 20 years ago.  In doing so I achieved a monumental typing speed of – wait for it- 33 standard words per minute!!   STUNNING! Skills, people. Skills.  Especially taking into account that typing was supposedly one of my interests.  Snorts.

I’m also mollified to realise that I have lovingly kept and archived my old High School written references should I ever decide to bring my brilliance back into the workforce. They are obviously essential in this day and age when prospective employers can Google  you instantly, and the only way that an employer would know that I was punctual and always had the necessary equipment required for lessons. That sentence alone is clearly enough to have me hired immediately. Ditto the fact that my appearance at High School was apparently neat and tidy. I’m also impressed that I had tact and diplomacy in my dealings with people. This trait was mentioned in both my Year 10 and my Year 12 references, when they obviously couldn’t think of an original way to put a positive spin on the fact that I never uttered more than three words during all of high school. Maximum.

 But even taking everything that I have already mentioned into consideration this is still only the tip of the iceberg in regard to how brilliant and employable I am. I mean, I have so many other untapped skills and abilities that I would need to add to an already overwhelmingly wonderful resume. They would include the following:

·         I know the words to every single Carpenters song ever recorded.

·         I also know the words to quite a lot of ABBA songs.

·         Ditto Barbra Streisand songs

·         I am completely mute and silent at least 99.9% of the time. You know, the whole ‘tact and diplomacy’ thing. This is a helpful attribute in the workplace, because haven’t we all had work colleagues that we wish would just shut the fuck up?

·         I can eat my entire body weight in cake on a daily basis.  Essential for all the birthday celebrations that might take place in a busy office in any given week.

·         I have Ass Burgers Aspergers and everybody knows that all Aspie people are genius’s. Just because I haven’t figured out exactly what my genius is yet, doesn’t mean I’m not one.  I must be.  Of course I am. Shut up.

·         I have the singular ability to stare into space vacantly for long periods of time. An intense form of daydreaming meditation that makes me much more relaxed and focused at forgetting  completeing my work.

·         Clearly I am an amazing writer and this blog is a testament to that, having won the obscure but prestigious Best Blog Featuring Bogans Award.

·         Oh alright, I made that last bit about the award up. But, if there really was such an award OF COURSE I would win it, right?

·         I can make up all this boring as batshit bogan bullshit. Brilliant. And clearly I rock alliteration.

Right then. There we have it. The blinding brilliance that is me.  I may as well stop there or we could literally just be here for DAYS.  I’m off to re-write my resume.  I’m sure the perfect job for a mute, cake- eating, Carpenters obsessed Aspie who can type 33 words per minute and sort mail is out there. Don’t bother applying. It’s MINE. So ner.

Linking up with The Lounge, which is being hosted this week by Kim from Falling Face First.

 

 

Is your resume as brilliant as mine?  What incredible skills do you possess?  And what was your worst EVER job?

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Born And Bred Bogan

With all this brouhaha (no idea how to spell that) about the PM visiting Rooty Hill, amid talk about western Sydney I thought I should say a few words about my experiences of being a born and bred westie bogan. I'm sure it will come as a total shock when I reveal that 'Boganville' is, in fact, somewhere in the general whereabouts of somewhere resembling western Sydney. You never would have guessed, I'm sure.

I'm a born and bred bogan, having been born here and lived here all my life. The irony being for me, that I've actually somehow managed to live quite a sheltered life in good old Boganville, which I attribute to having fantastic parents.

My Mother's motto has always been: we all come out the same way and we all go the same way. She absolutely detests all mockery of western Sydney. It's a wonder she let me get away with this blog, to be honest.

It is curious. I'm sure I never gave it any thought when I was a small child. We had the kind of childhood where we all played in the street and felt safe. Mum and Dad always knew where we were, however. It wasn't until high school that I became aware of the term 'Westie' and the negative connotations that went with it.

In fact, the high school that I attended had a terrible reputation. I was quite terrified of attending the school and fretted anxiously as Year Six was heading inorexably to an end. Somehow it didn't occur to me that if it was really as bad as it was reputed to be, then my brother, who had already been attending for a year or two might have arrived home bearing knife wounds, totally traumatised from having his head flushed in the loos.

I skulked around terrified for the first few days of high school, I was painfully shy anyway, so I never looked anyone in the eye. After a week or two, it became obvious that nobody even noticed I was alive and  all the gruesome stories I had heard were never going to eventuate. The worst thing that ever happened to me was when some idiot, whose name I cannot even remember, used to approach me as I innocently sat in the play ground alone, reading a book and WHAM he smashed the book into my face.

It didn't last long as my brother sorted him out. I don't know what he said to him but whatever it was, it worked. I most likely escaped any intense bullying by virtue of being 'Jaffa's sister'. He was so very popular. Nick named Jaffa because of his red hair. It's a nick name that has stuck, even my boys call him Uncle Jaf. I was the extreme opposite. Excruciatingly shy, quiet, and, as it turned out an Aspie as well (although I had no idea at the time). Needless to say I kind of stood out among the typical bogan Shazza's and occasionally would receive threats that they were going to bash the shit out of me.

Me, during high school, in all
my mullet headed glory. Just like
a true 'westie bogan'.

"Stuck up, bitch!" was the frequent jibe.  Yes, indeed, I am such a snob. Luckily, nobody ever followed through with these threats and I was left alone.

This was all at least 25 years or more ago and my memory is decidedly dodgy at the best of times about facts that happened yesterday. let alone decades ago, so bear with me. Anyway, the reputation of the school and the wild, wild west continued unabated and there was  always a teacher shortage. At one point, as I recall, the students actually went on strike. As I mentioned, my memory is very patchy, so I remember there being a student 'strike' with some media attention, but beyond that I don't remember the outcome.

I made it to the end of year 12 with woeful HSC results, which I attribute to my complete disinterest in studying, not the school. One thing I remember clearly is, I failed English spectacularly. I know, so shocking, considering the literary genius that is this blog. Meanwhile, I managed to pass German with flying colours. Cannot remember a single word of German now, except Guten Tag, so that was handy.  This stunned my poor Mother, who had always viewed English as  my best subject. She insisted that there must have been a  mistake, and requested that it be reviewed. At which  point, I then received a letter confirming that, no, there was no mistake and I was in fact completely and utterly stupid. Yay me. Doing it proud for bogans. Interestingly, in my admittedly limited experience of working, no employer ever even remotely cares about your HSC results anyway.

I had no idea what on earth I was going to do. I ended up studying at TAFE for a Library Practice Diploma. I did the commute on the old red rattlers into Central station and attended Ultimo TAFE. While there,I experienced prejudice against "Westies". During one lesson ( I cannot for the life of me remember exactly what it was, something to with Legal Studies, I think, although I still do not know what that has to with learning the Dewey Decimal system, but whatever) the rather pompous teacher stated that "teachers hate teaching in the western suburbs"  I'm normally so shy and never spoke up in class but this time I thought I should disagree. I tentatively raised my hand.

"I went to school in the western suburbs," I announced "and I know that most of my teachers liked teaching there."

Without missing a beat Mr Pompous preened "Yes, it is true that some teachers enjoy teaching 'problem students'." This  was said in the same horrified and appalled tone you might use if you were saying "Some teachers like to light their own farts."

 Erm, what? I just finished saying I went to school there. Am I  a 'problem student'?

"But what you often find," he continued "is that it's very difficult for them to be good students when they're being molested by their fathers." Audible gasp in the room.  There was more to his diatribe, but I can't quite remember it all in detail, because frankly, it wasn't worth remembering. At this point almost the entire class had turned on him and were arguing vehemently. Mr Pompous found himself trapped in a room full of angry 'Westies'. Just like Julia at Rooty Hill the other day.

After completing my diploma, I was employed on a temporary basis at the State Library where I once again encountered curious reactions to the revelation of where I lived. People who were perfectly charming and polite at first, completely ignored me once they discovered I was a 'Westie'. That, or they didn't actually seem to know that the western suburbs even existed, and assumed I lived in the Blue Mountains, making comments like "It must be really cold up there." After a while I just went along with it and didn't bother correcting them. But it's worked out well, really. After all, being a Westie has led me to this boring as batshit bogan blog. A born and bred bogan. There are worse things. I just have to try and think about what they are. Shut up.

Linking up with Cathy from The Camera Chronicles for Flashback Friday.

 And linking up a year later for a flashback to March 2013 with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.

Where did you grow up? Have you been to the western suburbs of Sydney? Would you dare? Go on, I dare you....

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Bogan Mrs Bean

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I am a kind of bogan Mrs Bean. Hapless, awkward. Constantly doing bumbling, embarrassing things. Actually it’s been obvious for a long time. Recent events have just emphasised this.

For instance, there was the day when I had an  appointment to go to. As is my usual  tendency, I have no concept of  time or time management. I figured I could easily  manage to dye my hair, have a shower, put a bit of slap on, blow dry my hair and have ample time to drive the half hour it would take to get to my appointment. Wrong. 

I had planned what I was going to wear, but when I put the dress on, it made me look distinctly pregnant. With quads. So, I figured I should stick to the ‘pregnant with twins’ look I normally go for and decided on a different outfit.

My hair ended up a glorious hue of bright orangey red. Sort of Julia Gillard meets Pauline Hanson. Classy. Then, when I was rushing to get out the door, I couldn’t find my handbag, glasses, keys and had approximately 500 brain explosions. Finally, I made it into the car, already running late and realised, oh fuck, I need petrol, as the gage pointed ominously pointed towards empty.

 I stopped at the first petrol station. I can never remember which side the petrol thingy is on, so I became all bewildered and bamboozled. Conscious of being I late, I frantically leaped out of the car, slamming the door and ripping my skirt which was caught in it.

Meanwhile, my Julia Gillard hair, which I so lovingly blow dried has been well and truly blow dried in the sense of blown to smithereens by the wind. I am not happy.

A few rather charming words later, I retrieve my ripped skirt and flounce around to the petrol bowser. I’ve forgotten to open the door thingy to  the petrol cap. Swearing, I stomp around and flick it open. So I think. However,it soon becomes clear I’ve opened the boot instead. Fuck, fuckity fuck, I’m late! After several attempts to get the pump going I finally have petrol. We have lift off.

I reach my appointment, mercifully only ten minutes late. Okay, twenty. But at least I cut out the waiting room time. I spend the next 30 minutes allowing my shrink to convince me that I’m a great Mum just by being loving and demonstrative. So what if I regularly forget what day it is, to sign school notes and the boys are being brought up in a messy, dishevelled house? I’m distracted, wondering if I left the iron on, until I realise, there is certainly no chance of that happening. I never do ironing. I may have left my hair straightener plugged in. I mentally prepare myself for a stern lecture from Micky Blue Eyes on the perils of doing so.

Leaving the appointment, I remember I need to grab some groceries on the way home. Naturally, the list I wrote is sitting somewhere at home. I head to Aldi anyway. It’s cheap and I can possibly scrape up enough cash for a few essentials. I have no change for the trolley. Trudging back to the car, I grab the pram from the boot, I’ll use that instead. I wheel it in there, receiving odd looks from other shoppers at the sight of me with a stroller, sans toddler. Studiously ignoring them, I load a few essentials onto the pram. Finally I make it to the check out. At which point I become panicky as they check through the groceries at break neck speed, I frantically throw them onto the pram and fumble for the cash in my purse. I hand it over, smiling weakly and continue throwing the rest of my things haphazardly onto and under the pram.

“Have a nice day.”the cashier says in a monotone, thrusting my change at me. She continues to survey me with a sour expression as I simultaneously struggle to grab the last few items and stuff the coinage in my purse amid audible impatient sighs from customers lined up behind me. Finally shoving my purse away, I heave the heavy pram, laden with groceries away from the the check out. Items tumble off onto the floor. I scoop them up hurriedly, ignoring the pitying glances of other shoppers as they wheel their tidily packed  trolleys out the door looking smugly superior.

I hate queues..but I'll queue
up for plonk

On the way out I spot the new alcohol section, a recent addition at my local Aldi. Deciding a five dollar bottle of plonk will be just the thing to help soothe my shattered nerves, I dump the groceries in the boot and head back in. Clutching my plonk, I join a queue yet again. I feel like I deserve a medal for bravery just for doing this simple task. Waiting in queues makes me feel ridiculously anxious for no reason. Clearly I am a thoroughly logical person. The young woman in front of me is holding the same bottle of plonk,  The cashier asks for ID but doesn't ask me. I decide there are some distinct advantages to being an old bag as I leave with my plonk and the young woman leaves empty handed.

Arriving home I realise that I've forgotten approximately five things that were on the left-at-home list. I may have to face the joy of going back again. But why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?

Fast forward to this week and I have continued in my space cadet ways by finally remembering to take some gifts/items to post to online friends, which were promised months ago, and, in some cases, even, years ago. Then, en route to the post office I suddenly remembered I did not have the addresses to post them to with me. Additionally, I'd also forgotten my mobile, so I could not text them to ask their address. Sigh.

On the plus side, I managed to buy a lovely bogan outfit from Millers (tres classy) to wear to my sister in law's black and bling themed 40th birthday party, where, no doubt, I will sit quietly in the corner. But, at least I will be sitting quietly in the corner dressed appropriately.

There are so many more silly things I've done, but naturally, I've forgotten them. Or, I want to forget them. Now, I'm off to the shops again to attempt to post these thing once and for all. I'm walking there for exercise. I won't ruin my effort when I get there by having a coffee and a cakie. Nope. No way. I never do things like that.

PS. I was so disorganised and sucky with my time management, yet again, that I ended up driving to the shops. Without the parcels I had to post.  Enough said.

Linking up with Kirsty from My Home Truths for I Must Confess.

Do you forget things? Or frequently have embarrassing moments? Please tell me I'm not the only one...

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