The Lounge Lizards have us talking about careers and jobs
this week, which is timely, as I happened to come across my old resume tucked
away in a cupboard a few weeks ago. Upon perusing this ancient epistle, I was
sincerely astonished. Amazed, in fact.
How it is that I never set the whole career world on fire with that
thing I will simply never know. I mean,
apparently I could answer the phone and everything. Those are some serious
skills right there.
 |
| Don't worry, if that sucker rings I know EXACTLY what to do. |
This answering the phone
ability certainly came in handy in THE WORST JOB I'VE EVER HAD. Which was in a
call centre. Enough said, right?
It was a call centre for a
major NSW Insurance Company and Road Side assistance concern. Let's just call
them NR NO WAY. Their commercials would have you believe that they are
exceedingly helpful to people. They probably are if you are broken down and
need assistance. However, other than the exciting moment I actually spoke to
Anthony Warlow when he called one day, I didn't find it find very helpful to my
mental health working there.
If ever I have to call them in present times I
still have traumatic flashbacks to when I worked there. It was approximately 16
years ago since I left. It still haunts me. I sometimes have appalling
nightmares that I am back there, with my head phones on and an obnoxious car
dealer is shouting at me "ALPHA, ROMEO, FOXTROT, BRAVO, 137865 VICTORY,
QUATRO!!"
Yeah, I didn't know what
that meant either. My skin is crawling just thinking about it. Then there were
the wonderful things we had there called Performance Reviews. My performance
wasn't so sterling apparently. Hmph. Hard to believe with such an outstanding
resume.
In addition to having the tremendous skill of answering the
phone, one of the tasks I mastered in my role as an Assistant Library
Technician at the State Library Of NSW many years ago, was the opening and
sorting of mail. Impressive. I simply don’t
know how I never ended up actually becoming the State Librarian.
Also, these skills were only the tip of the iceberg of my
extraordinary ability. Evidently, I
could also do filing and place bar code stickers on books!! Such incredible attributes in one person! Oh, and I could also shelve the books, use the
photocopier and write up order forms! I
know. It’s just too much. No wonder I never achieved a permanent position in a
library. I was just too damn good. Ahem.
 |
Yep, I am ALWAYS doing this in my spare time.
I can even do this while eating cake. Or typing. Too easy. |
If my stupendous skill list wasn’t quite enough awesomeness
to take in, I was also intensely fascinating away from work. I had listed my
interests as: Reading, writing, typing,
yoga, dogs and cooking. Interesting, since at the time I never managed to even
write a shopping list, I accidentally murdered my dog , have dubious cooking
skills and wouldn’t know a downward dog from a dagwood dog. And since when is typing an interest? Typing?? I might as well have put down stamp collecting
to make myself seem even more cutting edge.
Of course it has now been years, okay, decades, since I used
all of those fabulous afore mentioned job skills. But, this is fine, because
during that time I have not been simply
resting on my laurels. No siree. I have, in fact, added many more skills to my
repertoire.
I completed a Statement of Attainment in something called
Computing Skill For The Office to add to the Library Practice Associate Diploma
that I completed more than 20 years ago.
In doing so I achieved a monumental typing speed of – wait for it- 33
standard words per minute!! STUNNING!
Skills, people. Skills. Especially
taking into account that typing was supposedly one of my interests. Snorts.
I’m also mollified to realise that I have lovingly kept and
archived my old High School written references should I ever decide to bring my
brilliance back into the workforce. They are obviously essential in this day
and age when prospective employers can Google
you instantly, and the only way that an employer would know that I
was punctual and always had the necessary equipment required for lessons. That
sentence alone is clearly enough to have me hired immediately. Ditto the fact
that my appearance at High School was apparently neat and tidy. I’m also
impressed that I had tact and diplomacy in my dealings with people. This trait
was mentioned in both my Year 10 and my Year 12 references, when they obviously
couldn’t think of an original way to put a positive spin on the fact that I
never uttered more than three words during all of high school. Maximum.
But even taking
everything that I have already mentioned into consideration this is still only the tip of the iceberg in
regard to how brilliant and employable I am. I mean, I have so many other
untapped skills and abilities that I would need to add to an already
overwhelmingly wonderful resume. They would include the following:
·
I know the words to every single Carpenters song
ever recorded.
·
I also know the words to quite a lot of ABBA
songs.
·
Ditto Barbra Streisand songs
·
I am completely mute and silent at least 99.9%
of the time. You know, the whole ‘tact and diplomacy’ thing. This is a helpful attribute
in the workplace, because haven’t we all had work colleagues that we wish would
just shut the fuck up?
·
I can eat my entire body weight in cake on a
daily basis. Essential for all the
birthday celebrations that might take place in a busy office in any given week.
·
I have Ass Burgers Aspergers and
everybody knows that all Aspie people are genius’s. Just because I haven’t
figured out exactly what my genius is
yet, doesn’t mean I’m not one. I must
be. Of course I am. Shut up.
·
I have the singular ability to stare into space
vacantly for long periods of time. An intense form of daydreaming
meditation that makes me much more relaxed and focused at forgetting completeing my work.
·
Clearly I am an amazing writer and this blog is
a testament to that, having won the obscure but prestigious Best Blog Featuring
Bogans Award.
·
Oh alright, I made that last bit about the award
up. But, if there really was such an
award OF COURSE I would win it, right?
·
I can make up all this boring as batshit bogan
bullshit. Brilliant. And clearly I rock alliteration.
Right then. There we have it. The blinding brilliance that
is me. I may as well stop there or we
could literally just be here for DAYS.
I’m off to re-write my resume.
I’m sure the perfect job for a mute, cake- eating, Carpenters obsessed
Aspie who can type 33 words per minute and sort mail is out there. Don’t bother
applying. It’s MINE. So ner.
Is your resume as brilliant as mine?
What incredible skills do you possess?
And what was your worst EVER job?
