What I Will Never See Again

I wasn't really sure where to go with this prompt. So here's a random list. You're very welcome.

What I Will Never See Again:

• An empty laundry basket. 
• A clean clutter free kitchen.
• A clean clutter free HOUSE.
• My waist. I think I had one once upon a time. 
• My teens. (Phew)
• My twenties. I vaguely remember them. They came and went during 1991 - 2000. A time period affectionately referred to as the olden days by my boys. 

Me in my 20s. No 

one wants to see 

that again. 

• My thirties. They flitted away quickly, taking my waist with them. See above. Rude.
• Any "reality" shows; such as Married At First Sight or The Batchelorette. Somehow I got sucked into watching bits and pieces. Never again. Well, I'll probably see the ads. And that is more than enough, thanks very much. 
• An Adam Sandler film. Enough said.
•  Ditto for Woody Allen films. Can't stand him. Never could, even before the molestation allegations from Dylan Farrow. Weird. 
• A new Carpenters album. This will be my lifelong sorrow. Sobs.

• A Carpenters concert. In fact, I never saw one in the first place, because I was only a year old in 1972 when they performed in Sydney. The black and white footage of this concert is available for viewing on YouTube and I've watched it many times, but details. 
• My babies. They are growing up fast. Mostly I'm happy and relieved about this, but sometimes, just sometimes, I'd love to be able to briefly go back in time for a cuddle. 4am feeds, and colic and poonami's (totally a thing - don't ask if you're not a parent), on the other hand... Glad I'll never see those again.
• The runway as the plane soars off... Or will I? I guess you never know. Fingers, arms, legs, eyeballs crossed. 
• Not much of anything if I have to keep my eyeballs crossed for ages...
•  A Tom Cruise film, a Mel Gibson film. A Kevin Costner film... OK, I could be here all day. Why are there so many unappealing actors? I guess it's just me. 
• My original hair colour. It was an exquisite shade of glorious titian. Also known as Ranga red. The former sounds better. Sniff. But I'm rocking the silver fox thing, so all good.
• Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see another blog post, given how inane my musings are. Eh, who cares. I'll be back. I can't help myself. 

End of list. 

What about you?

What will you never see again?

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My Biggest Fear Is Fear Itself

Fears and phobias are a funny old thing. Using 'funny' in the sense of horrific and absurd. Some folks are mortally afraid of moths. For others it's clowns. Neither bother me. Cockroaches, on the other hand: EEEEEEEEK!!!


I've blogged about my fears and phobias before. They're all fairly generic: heights, public speaking, the dentist, and of course, cockroaches. Shudders. I know I'm not alone here. Many people fear these things.

These days, I would have to say, my BIGGEST fear is something happening to my children. A close second is getting cancer again and not being around for my children. But even after saying this and knowing it to be true. I truly fear these things. I realise there's a bigger everyday fear that's always lurking.

Fear itself.

Yep. I have an anxiety disorder. My biggest fear is fear itself. This is tremendous fun. Said no one ever.

The thing is, even though I once had a pathological fear of childbirth, I faced it. Hearing that you have a cancer diagnosis is undoubtedly one of the most frightening things ever. But I got through it.

Now I am left with the fear of it happening again. Even though my current reality is that I'm cancer free and well, the fear still intrudes.

Anxiety is so strange. At times you can pinpoint the triggering thoughts, other times it just pounces out of nowhere. Of course I've learnt all about the fight or flight instinct and how anxiety is necessary for human survival.

Additionally, my understanding is that being autistic means I am wired to be more prone to or predisposed to anxiety. So I decided to  name it Agnes and make an uneasy truce with her. I don't like her, but I understand why she exists.

There's a theory I've heard of that says fear can either mean Fear Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Rise. Don't you just love inspirational quotes? Yeah, me neither. But I have to admit, when I first began having panic attacks many years ago I often did the former. Until I realised: I don't run.

I avoid my fears and problems, sure. But running is stupid.

Seriously though, now I can say I (mostly) do the latter and face things. Sort of. Kind of. Sometimes.

What I mean is, the fear doesn't evaporate but I let Agnes tag along and I tell her what to do not vice versa. Occasionally she still manages to get the better of me. She's a freaking bitch so I expect that. Dammit.

Lately I've been listening to a lot of this true crime stuff which seems to be the thing these days. This is veering slightly off-topic, but I have a point so bear with me. It seems like an odd thing to be interested in, given my anxiety and self-confessed aversion to blood, guts and gore.

However, it's not that part of it that intrigues me. It's the psychology behind the crime or behaviour. How one individual can come from a tragic background and become a criminal, while another rises above it. The other day I heard a psychologist explaining what a sociopath is like. Supposedly they not only lack empathy but it goes further into complete callousness. According to this psychologist, sociopaths also don't experience stress or anxiety like others do.

In a weird way, understanding this helps me accept the things I dislike about myself. I don't like my anxiety, aka Agnes, but if I never felt it whatsoever, then I'd be a sociopath. Or something. Does that make sense?

I mean, obviously I'm just a little self absorbed or I wouldn't have a blog all about myself (ahem), but I'm not a sociopath. 

So yeah, my biggest fear is fear itself. And I'm okay with it. 

But anyone who's okay with cockroaches? PSYCHOPATHS. All of them. I don't need a psychologist to tell me that. 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

What is your biggest fear?

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The A - L Of Me

A is for Autistic.  I was diagnosed with ASD (formerly called Aspergers) at age 40. Also, I'm pretty awesome. Amazing, astounding, and everything. Okay, I'm fairly average, but the other a words sounded more impressive. Sniff.

B is for bookworm. I am one. I should probably mention my boys, too. They're the Best. 

C is for cakies, chocolate and Carpenters music. These are a few of my favourite things! As opposed to girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Not that I have anything against the latter. I just prefer the former.

D is for dogs. I'd call myself a dog person. I'm also a chronic daydreamer. And utterly delusional delightful. Let's not forget about that.

E is for enigmatic. I am a puzzle even to myself. A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. Or a middle-aged woman, wrapped in a dressing gown, inside a ramshackle suburban house. Details.

F is for FOOD. I love it. I'm also extremely forgetful. But I never forget to eat, so that's something.  Also, I am FABULOUS.

G is for groovy. Clearly I am. Totally hip and cool and cutting edge.  Also; GORGEOUS. And; grey. I let my hair go grey and I love it. Silver foxes FTW!

H is for hermit. I fear I am becoming one.

I is for introvert. See above.

J is for January. The month I was born in. During?

K is for Karen. Carpenter, of course. My idol. No explanation necessary. You either get it, or you don't. And if you don't, I can't help you. I mean, we can't all have exquisite taste, can we?

L is for the library. The only place I go to these days. See above. Plus, I once pretended to work in them decades ago.

L is also for Lafferty. It used to my name before I was married. This is frightfully fascinating information, I think you will find.

L is also the last letter for now.  Lovely.


Stay tuned for The M - Z of Me. Coming soon!


What is your A-L?

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Taking Stock: April 2018 Edition

Making: Beds. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Tea. Coffee. You know, all the thrilling things.

Cooking: Cauliflower soup. Tacos. Roast chicken and veggies. Because apparently I am not very original. 

Drinking: Four dollar sparkling moscato from Aldi. FANCY. 

Reading:  Various library books, including:

Without Merit by Colleen Hoover.

Loved it. Read it in 24 hours.

Now That You Mention It by Kristan Higgins. 

Loved this one, too. Read it in 24-48 hours.

Trawling: I do not trawl. What am I? A fisherman?

Wanting:  I pretty much have everything important in life. Family, health, food, shelter... hashtag blessed and all that. But I'll still take a truck load of cash, thank you very much.

Looking: At the ceiling fan and thinking I should probably clean it sometimes. But how would I recover from such excitement?

Deciding: Which book to read next.

Wishing: We could get away on a holiday. 

Enjoying: The cooler weather. I can wear my pajamas all day. Don't judge me. Hmph. 

Waiting: For the kettle to boil. Exciting times if I don't say so myself.

Liking: The end of school holidays. HALLELUJAH. 

Wondering: If we are sorta kinda maybe jinxed or something. Just me catastrophising again. As you were. 

Loving: Quiet time I scored yesterday while Mickey Blue Eyes took the boys to the movies.

Listening: To Mickey Blue Eyes clattering dishes in the kitchen and birds chirping (is that a word?) in the distance.

Considering: Running up and down the street stark bollocky naked. Just to liven things up. But that would be ridiculous. I don't run. 

Also, is bollocky a word? 

Buying: Groceries. Just for something COMPLETELY different.

Watching: Ridonkulous melodramatic movies on YouTube (shut up, I don't have Netflix). You know the ones. Based on a "true" story, starring Shannon Doherty or some other D grade faded television actor. I scoff and eye roll at them but then subsequently do some comprehensive research lazy internet searching and find it they are essentially true. Truth is stranger than fiction, people.

Hoping: Cups of tea can make themselves at some point in the future. Like, say, in five minutes. Surely we should have the technology by now?

Marvelling: At the word "marvelling". Isn't it MARVELLOUS. 

Needing: A kick up the ciber.

Questioning: Life, the universe and everything.

Smelling:  Tea.

Wearing: Trackie daks (Australian for sweatpants), teamed with an attractive purple jumper. I know what you're thinking. I should really jump into that "everyday style" hashtag thing pronto.

Noticing: All the mother's day propaganda in the store catalogues. As if all we do is eat chocolate in our pajamas all day. Hmph. Oh wait...

Knowing: I know nothing. Not a thing. Zip. Nada. Sweet FA, as the saying goes. Clueless.

Thinking: People are weird.

Admiring: People. They're SO WEIRD and they don't even know.

Getting: Fat. Well, fattER, if that's a word. 

Disliking: The fatter thing. See above. But apparently not enough to actually stop eating two thirds of a packet of chocolate covered peanuts in one sitting on Saturday. The final third went to my family, so I do share. Kinda. Sorta. Shut up.

Opening: Books. What else?

Closing: The fridge. Sometimes. Mostly I open it. Which answers the above question. Ahem.

Feeling: Fair to maudlin, as the saying goes. Or is it middling? 

Celebrating:  Well, I haven't eaten anything in a full ten minutes. That certainly calls for a celebration! And there's only one way to celebrate: with FOOD! 🍨🍧🍦🍩🍰🍪🍫🍬🍭🍮🍮🍳🍳🍔

Pretending:  I'm a sane, rational, functioning adult. Tricked you! Snorts.

Embracing: Mr 9. Love that kid. 

So there you have it. That is me tacking stock this amazing April. 

What are you celebrating in the month of April? 

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School Holidays Memories

It's currently school holidays in my neck of the woods. Except I'm not anywhere near woods. I live in suburbia. But you know what I mean. 

So here's a lazy nifty bullet list of utterly random school holiday memories:

• The buzzy euphoric feeling at 3pm on the last day of term. For some reason this sensation has mysteriously disappeared as an adult and parent. Hmph.
• Staying up late just because you could.
• Sleeping in late just because you could.
• Me as a kid: "I'm borrrred!" My mum: "Hi, Bored. I'm mum/Alison."
• Lamenting the fact that all my friends* had gone away for the holidays.
• *Okay, I only had one friend. But she always went away leaving me on my lonesome. Rude.
• Going to the movies to see such classics as Grease and Xanadu. Why yes, I am quite ancient.
• Ditto going to the actual cinemas to see all the Back To Future films. Frightfully, frightfully ancient, I'm afraid.
• Patting/ smooching my dog and singing a song I made up: "You're my dear darling adorable dachshund dog!" Remember, my one friend was away. And I was a weird kid anyway. Even weirder adult. Winning. 
• Listening to endless records and cassettes. Did I mention I'm ancient?
• Singing into a hairbrush to the above mentioned records: Abba, The Carpenters, Barbra Streisand; and shockingly, even Madonna. Surprise! Sometimes I did behave like an 80s teenager. 
• Me as a kid: "Mum, I'm hungryyyy!" My mum: "Hi, Hungry, I'm mum/Alison."
• A rare family holiday to the beach side town of Nelson Bay. We shared an apartment with a colony of cockroaches, sleeping on beds that smelt like congealed decades of sweat and pee. When Mum and Dad decided to end the stay early and head home my brother and I cheered. 
• Road trips to Dubbo, Wagga Wagga or Canberra. We left in the middle of the night and my brother and I slept top to tail in the back seat of our old Datsun. 
• When we woke up during the above road trips, we gazed out the windows exclaiming over any animals we spotted. "COOOOOWWWWWWS!!!!" "HORRRRRRSSSEEEEEY'S!!!" Fast forward a few decades. On one of our road trips Mickey Blue Eyes pointed out some cows. "Thanks for that, Captain Obvious," remarked one of the boys, his voice dripping with sarcasm. 
• Me as a kid: "MUUUUUM!" My mum: "She went mad and they shot her!" Fast forward several decades. My boys:"MUUUUUM!" Me: "She went mad and they shot her!" 
• Going to my Auntie Eileen's place and visiting the park and swimming pool around the corner. Then we'd get chicken and chips from Happy Harry's, the milk bar around the corner. 
• Driving home from Auntie Eileen's, I'd fall asleep in the car and magically wake up in my own bed. It was like I could totally teleport or something!This ability has mysteriously disappeared as an adult. Hmph. 

• Watching the US Today show at midnight for no reason except it came on then and I had to stay up late because HOLIDAYS. Also; watching the odd mini series really late, such as North & South with Patrick Swayze in it. What can I say? It was the 80s. 
• Being totally bummed and peeved when it was time to head back to school at the beginning of the year, despite the fact that I'd just had six weeks off! This sensation has mysteriously disappeared as an adult and parent. Tee hee!

What about you? 

What are your school holiday memories?

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What is Friendship?

Hello again. Here I am on a Sunday night, at home with all my friends writing on the subject of friendship.  I'm really here with Mr 14 while the rest of the brood are at a soccer game. Details. This may be a short and rambling post due to the fact that I'm trying to type this with a dodgy laptop where the backspace key doesn't work. Very annoying. Especially when you're a crappy typer like me.  But anyway, I'll try.

So, yes. Friendship. Let's talk about it.

Recently, my shrink suggested that I should make some friends. I explained that I DO have friends but the same ones for twenty plus years. I never make new friends. I certainly never belong to any mum cliques. You know, the ones gossiping at the school gates. Totally my fault. I get in and out quickly and don't hang around to gossip. The couple of times I thought maybe I was becoming friendly with another mum, I obviously misread the situation or didn't respond or reciprocate appropriately. I don't know. I'm aspie and socially awkward. I guess I come across as weird to others.

But aren't true friends supposed to accept your brand of weirdness? Luckily, I do have friends who do this, so I won't spend too much time worrying about the others. Not everyone will like you and that's fine. I'm an introvert. I'd rather have a small amount of real friends than a bunch of phonies or what I call "fair weather friends". I've definitely been there.

As a child and teen I struggled to make friends. I suffered from excruciating shyness, I was so quiet I was practically mute (not much has changed there), and as it turns out, I was autistic, but didn't know at the time. No wonder I struggled!

Typically, I would have one friend, and due to all of the above, I tended to be clingy and needy. Unfortunately I was (and am) somewhat naive and sweet. This clinginess and naivety often attracted toxic so called friends. It became particularly problematic as I progressed into young adulthood.

There was one person in particular who had been my best friend since childhood. Her behaviour towards me become appalling. Eventually I had to say something and I hate confrontations, so it was a huge challenge for me. Long story short, I removed her from my life. In a weird way I'm grateful to her. It was her actions and the dissolution of our friendship that led to me joining rotaract. This is where I met my real friends and Mickey Blue Eyes.

So thanks, former "best friend". I forgive you and am grateful. I hope things worked out for you as well and you've found the sort of friends you want. I know it wasn't me.

To be fair, maybe I am not the ideal friend for a lot of folks. Especially in the sense of being hospitable and inviting people over for dinner or barbecues. Hosting parties, that sort of thing. I'm not great at being in charge, at organising things. I prefer to blend in, so to speak, at social gatherings.

I've gradually come to realise that due to my limitations/quirks/autistic traits or whatever you want to call it, I am not going to be able to give some people what they expect or require in a friendship. I guess it comes down to this thing called reciprocity that us aspies seem to struggle with. It's weird because inside I feel like I'm a warm, sincere person and genuinely interested in others. But I guess I don't convey that in actions and demeanour.

Meanwhile, due to the magic of Facebook I've been able to reconnect with a bunch of people I went to high school with. I spent most of high school in the corner, nose in a book, being ignored. But as it turns out, I don't think I was universally loathed the way I thought at the time. When you're a teenager the word revolves around YOU! In retrospect, I think people just left me to it because they figured I was happy enough alone. Mostly I was, but even the most introverted of introverts craves friendship. '

Of course there's always online friends. This is where I can shine. And you're all invited here! .That's another question. Do you need to meet in person to be considered real friends? I've connected with people online but have never transferred those connections to real life. It's definitely easier for me to interact online, but then there's a whole new world of "FOMO"and odd things to navigate. Sigh.

I guess there will always be certain things about friendship that are confusing for me. But my short answer to this conundrum? 

In summary, friendship is accepting quirks and not being a fair weather friend. And at this point I would have to add it's also being able to go for long periods between catching up but still feeling like it was yesterday when you do. I haven't caught up with any friends since...never mind...

What about you?

What is friendship to you?

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Foods I Dislike

Most weeks I schlep out to the shops with my parents to have coffee and do a bit of shopping. On one such occasion, we were unpacking groceries into the boot of my parents car. We heaved bag after bag until there was no more room. 

"Christ, we must EAT!' my mother remarked. I laughed and agreed. My life is a non-stop round of food food FOOD.

Thinking about what food to buy, buying the food, putting it away. Preparing the food, cooking the food, serving the food. Then doing this all over again infinitum. As much as I love food, it can get a bit repetitive and dreary at times.

I know, I know. First world problems, for sure. I am certainly grateful for the abundance of food available to me.  That I never have to go hungry.

Luckily, there are not too many foods I dislike. I was rather more picky as a child. This was the result of being thoroughly spoiled by my mum's superb culinary ability. I swear she could have been Margaret Fulton or someone, only BETTER.  As a child,I turned my freckled nose up at the inferior offerings others presented me with.

Store bought cakes or apple pie? Poison.

Chunky hearty soups? Yuck.

Tinned spaghetti? The HORROR.

If only such an attitude had persisted into adulthood. I'd be svelte and smug instead of plump and sheepish. These days I'll pretty much eat anything that isn't nailed down. And let's be real, probably try to prise off anything that IS nailed down.

Well, ALMOST anything. There are a select few foods that even this glutton isn't too thunderstruck about.

Such as:

CELERY

Stringy, bland, chewy and just plain BLAH, celery must be one of the most joyless foods nature provided. Naturally, celery is good for you. Low in calories, packed with anti-oxidants, and supposedly, calming for the nervous system. So the internet tells me, anyway. Must be true, right. 😉

In short, a healthy snack option.  A shame I'd rather snack on my own toe nails. I CAN eat it disguised in a stir-fry, soup or coleslaw, but it's still not my favourite. As for munching on a stalk for the sake of it  - it's a definite NO from me.

COTTAGE CHEESE

Often teamed with the above celery is this delectable delight. Except it isn't. Delectable, that is. Or delightful in any way whatsoever. I'm not going to describe what it reminds me of. You can probably guess. In a bid to be healthy, I foolishly purchased a tub of this chunder. Oops, I said it...

It's now languishing in the fridge. I need to chuck it out NOW instead of avoiding the inevitable. Why do torture myself?

SARDINES

I just don't like them. They're too... fishy...

Surprisingly, I quite like canned tuna, and even salmon. But sardines make me shudder. And just to make it worse, you can also buy them swimming in tomato sauce. Bleerrrggghhh.

Maybe I just haven't tried fresh ones. I don't know. But for now, it's not just a no. It's a HELL, NO!

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

These little fart balls from hell are no doubt packed with nutrition. I don't care. Put them in front of me and I will pout and refuse to eat them with the sheer determination laced with disgust of your average three year old.

Nope, nope, nopity NOPE.

OTHER FOODS I AM AMBIVALENT ABOUT:

TINNED BEETROOT

I must admit I have a bizarre love/hate relationship with this staple of good old-fashioned Aussie hamburgers. Once in a blue moon I crave and covet some beetroot with the intensity I usually reserve for cakies. Then, just as quickly, it absolutely revolts me. I cannot even bear to look at it, swimming in a sea of it's own crimson blood in a container in the fridge. Inevitably, the container ends up spilling and resembling  a murder scene, and I'm left wondering why I bothered indulging my short lived craving.

BAKED BEANS

More farty goodness. Don't get me wrong, a good old baked bean jaffle with cheese can be just the thing on a bleak winter's day when you feel like pretending  it's still 1978. Just me?

Then, inexplicably, it's just NOT.  Baked beans are another love/hate kind of thing for me. Sometimes they hit the spot. Other times they hit the garbage can. Fast. 


There you have it. The foods I dislike. 

There are probably others, but why waste time and energy on them when there's cake and chocolate in the world. That's what I say.

What about you?

What foods do you dislike?

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