I Have Never...

It's often quite disconcerting to realise that I've reached the mature age of 45 without doing a great deal things you might have expected a 45 year old woman to do. 

The list is long and comprehensive. I have never:

Had a career.

Been on a plane by myself (without my parents or Mick). 

Gotten a tattoo.

Taken illegal drugs.

Or even smoked a cigarette.

Stood naked in the rain.

Skinny-dipped.

Been thoroughly grown up and competent.

Had an affair (Mickey Blue Eyes will be not at all surprised shocked and relieved here). 

Broken someone's heart. 

Been a total bitch. 

Seen snow.

Been surfing.

Learnt to swim (shut up). 

Liked sport. This makes me somewhat of a freakish Australian. 
Bungee jumped.
Parachuted.
Ridden a motor-cycle.
Played an instrument.
Been able to raise my voice much above a whisper.
I've never been to me, just like Charlene, (and I've never exactly understood what that song meant). 
Liked rides or amusement parks. 
Worn a bikini. 

The thing is, though, for the most part I have never really wanted to do these things. I've never had a sort of bucket list of adrenaline packed adventures that I've wanted to tick off in my life-time. 

I've pondered over why I'm such a drifter/daydreamer with a lack of ambition or wanderlust and the only possible explanation I can come up with is that if you're like me: shy, quiet, introverted, Aspie and anxious then you spend a lot of time just wishing to be 'normal' in inverted commas (because who decides what normal is) and mediocre. This probably doesn't make one little bit of sense to anyone but me, but when the simplest of things like talking or making eye-contact are a huge challenge, you pretty much take yourself out of the running for things like high-powered careers or sole travelling. 

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned people who like amusement park rides or bungee-jumping are the crazy ones. Good luck with that. I'm a two feet firmly on the ground kind of girl. 

I've never understood the attraction to smoking. I find the smell alone to be repulsive and skin-crawling. Again - this must be an ASD sensory thing. Therefore, I've never had any curiosity to try it, not even once. I can't really tolerate alcohol well. Any more than two drinks maximum and my head will be spinning. And I really detest that out of control, queasy, hungover feeling, so I've never been tempted to try any drugs. Not that I've ever been offered any. It's weirdly ironic to think I've grown up in good old Mt. Druitt and am utterly clueless about drugs. Food is my drug. 

As Dolly Parton said: I'll take a sandwich and a shake over a jug and a joint any day. You'll have to imagine the Dolly twang. 


When it comes to swimming and any other water related activities, I guess I have a water phobia. I dislike putting my head under water. Anyway, my 77 year old father still doesn't know how to swim, so I'm prepared to carry on that tradition. And I'll never need that bikini. I'm naturally fair-skinned, so it doesn't make sense to wear one, anyway. Instead I need 20 litres of 50 plus sunscreen and head to toe clothing and I'll still get burnt.  HMPH. 

As far as I know I've never broken anyone's heart. In reality, there could be dozens of men (and women who wish I'd turn) weeping and devastated that I'm not available. Yeah, RIGHT. Snorts. 

And yes, I'm too much of a goody goody Pollyanna type to be a bitch. It would be handy to be able to think of cutting remarks in reply to certain people. Sometimes I manage it, but only at 4am after the event. Sigh. 

Image credit: https://www.facebook.com/purpleclvr/?fref=ts
I AM sick of bullshit! Why can't I be a bitch??!!

Speaking of 'I have never...' I have never quite known how to bring my rambling posts to a seamless conclusion, so why start now? 

The end. 

Yes, that was abrupt. 

Awkward. 

How would you finish the phrase 'I have never...'?

Linking up for I Must Confess, Open Slather and 
Mummy Mondays. 

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The Truth About Lies

Today I am talking about lying and deception. Truthfully, I am a terrible liar.  I simply cannot do it. Okay, maybe that was a lie...

I'm sure I've told a few polite little white lies that we all do from time to time.

You know the kind.  You say: Yes, your baby is gorgeous! Meanwhile you're thinking: Doesn't look like a monkey AT ALL. This is completely awful but necessary at times.

As far as telling a despicable or heinous lie, I seriously can't remember ever doing so. If I did try this, I would never be convincing.

There is a theory that people with Asperger's  don't lie or can't lie. I'm not sure if this is true or not. Maybe I'm just a nauseating Pollyanna type. Or perhaps I simply don't have any imagination or acting ability.

Apparently the Aspergian inability to lie is related to impairment in something called Theory of Mind. Also, it is common trait to be blunt and direct, valuing justice and truth. Admittedly, I do not possess this bluntness myself, but I still find it  impossible to lie. 

Naturally, there are certain things I tell myself that don't ring true: just one slice of cake won't hurt and so on. I write complex and detailed To-Do Lists now and again which turn out to be total fiction. Whoops.

I'm not exactly sure how people can live a life of deception. Particularly by having torrid extra-marital affairs. I know I sound very preachy and judgemental, but I just couldn't achieve the complex level of pretence. It's probably my tendency to forgetfulness, but I'd end up being caught in my own web of lies. I just cannot lie. It's a shame really. Because obviously I have offers ALL THE TIME. I've had to leave a string of dejected would-be lovers all sobbing and bereft.

Okay, that IS a lie. There has never been even the remotest chance of me having an affair because nobody has ever even attempted to get their leg over. Not once. HMPH!

Well, there was one creepy old dude with pants up to his armpits who got a bit too close in a crowded lift once. Plus, a crusty old octogenarian who chatted me up briefly at the Community centre where I attended my (off-campus) Tafe course. It's nice to know I've still got it if Mickey Blue Eyes ever decides to trade me in or drop off the perch! FTW!

I suppose I can slightly stretch the truth at times. Especially here on this blog and also by telling Mickey Blue Eyes that an article of clothing is an old favourite I've just dusted off out of the wardrobe instead of brand new. But I might forget to pull the tags off. Sprung. 

I'm sure I've lied by omission. Plus there are the inevitable excuses and fairy tales you end up telling your children. The shops are shut. Those rides at the shops are 'out of order'. And yes, of COURSE Santa is real! 

Maybe I'm not such an angel after all. Oops. 

Perhaps I need some further practice at fibbing. After all, as an introvert there are so many times I need to avoid socialising or small talk. Here are ten excuses to get out of these awkward events:

1. I'm late for an appointment! 
2. I have a terrible throat infection.
3. The kids are sick. (It turns out that having children is quite convenient!)
4. My car is broken down.
5. I already have a prior engagement.
6. My grandmother passed away and I'll be attending a funeral. (One grandmother passed away long before I was born and the other many years ago and I never attended the funeral [it's complicated], but details!) 
7. The kids have sporting commitments.
8. Busy, busy, busy with ongoing renovations and painting of our house. Simply can't have people over. (The fact that our house is in a permanent state of CHAOS [as in Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome] is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT).
9. I'll be out of the country! (Sadly I'm never out of the country, so I have to have this fantasy somehow). 
10. Finally, if all else fails you can always use the good old 'something suddenly came up' excuse from The Brady Bunch. Yes, I've watched all the groovy and high-brow shows.

Of course I'd never be able to pull off any of the above excuses in person. But these days a quick and dodgy old text message makes it so much easier to just glibly lie! Yay for modern technology!

So I think we've all learned something today. We're pretty much all big fat liars and we're lying if we say we never lie. With that, I'll end it here. I'm off to do the house work. Which is a whopper. But you already knew that.

Linking up for I Must Confess.

Can you lie? What's the biggest lie you've ever told? 

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Top Five

I've decided to regurgitate this oldie but goodie post simply because I can't be bothered writing a new one it was so brilliant it deserves a second viewing. You're welcome.

Today I'm confessing to my top five favourite celeb hunks. These are the dudes I'd love to have a 'free pass' for from Micky Blue Eyes if the opportunity ever, erm... arose.

Highly likely, since I'm always jet-setting off to the Oscars and hanging around the Glitterati. Glitteratai? Whatever. As long as it's not actual glitter. That stuff is EVIL.

It's hard to narrow it down to five. But I'll try. I'm thinking: Hugh Jackman, Colin Firth, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds and that Irish dude from Bridesmaids. Okay, he's not even that good looking but it's the accent. Shut up. 

The truth is, even if the all the above gentleman were agreeable to this arrangement, (and let's face it, why wouldn't they be? I certainly do ooze sex appeal and all that), Micky Blue Eyes certainly would NOT give me a free pass for ANYBODY.  How rude. You'd think I married him or something and made some sort of promise to be faithful, forsaking all others. Oh.

DETAILS!

The man is frightfully jealous. Well, you can't blame him. I did mention my undeniable sex appeal. This, coupled with my extremely flirtatious nature, would be a cause for concern. Snorts.

Seriously though, there would be no free passes for me. And I would never give him one either. Sorry dude, you'll have turn Jen Hawkins down. The poor lass will just have to settle for the Adonis she married. Poor old Jen.

If we ever wanted to indulge in our secret passions and crushes we'd have to resort to a good old-fashioned affair. There is only one problem with this option. Actually a few problems.


My Top Five Reasons I Could Never Have An Affair

5. I would have to become an expert liar. While I am quite adept at making up crap writing witty words for this blog, I am less able to glibly lie, especially directly to some body's face. Plus, my memory is so shocking I'd have trouble recalling my own web of lies. This would clearly make me the worst adulterer EVER.


4. I would be really bad at sexting. I'd need lessons from Warnie. Hmmm, then again, Warnie wasn't that great at it either, was he? I'd have no idea how to send my lover photos of my national geographics boobs. Worse still, I have no idea how to delete texts. I've only recently come into the 21st century and obtained an android phone. Shut up. 


3. I would actually have to shave my legs once in while. This would certainly make Micky Blue Eyes suspicious. Very suspicious indeed. Not to mention other areas that would require deforestation. I meant my 'moutache' and pits! Nobody wants to know about any other bits. 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

Which brings me to my next point...



2. Nobody has propositioned me! Not once! EVER!

You'd think that in the space of almost twenty years somebody would have tried to get their leg over. But no. Unless you count that creepy old dude with trousers up to his arm pits who rubbed himself against me in a crowded elevator at the shops once. Nothing. 

Clearly it's my devastating sex appeal that is intimidating. I'm just too much woman for all these men. Way too much.

Okay, I suppose I do need to lose weight. Sniff. 

And the number one reason I could never have an affair....

Drum roll please! (You'll have to imagine it...)



1. I. CAN'T. BE. BOTHERED. 

Seriously, who has the time or inclination for all that sneaking around and sexting? It all seems like a bit too much effort to me. 

I'm sure there are certain websites with names like sleazebagsanddesperadosdotcom where I could hook up with some
creepy old dude with trousers up to his arm pits hot dude if I was that way inclined, but for some reason that I simply can't fathom, this just doesn't appeal to me. 


So there you have it. All the reasons I wouldn't have an affair.

Oh, those reasons and the fact that I'm truly, madly and deeply in love with Micky Blue Eyes and would never look sideways at another man....

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my! What were we talking about again? I got distracted doing my neck exercises. Okay, I'm off to do some house work more neck exercises. Bye! 

Linking up for I Must Confess ,Open Slather  and Mummy Mondays.

Who are your 'top five'?

Could you ever have an affair?

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