Well howdy doody and how are you? Can you believe I said 'howdy doody'? I don't even know what it means! Never mind.
I am here to talk about regrets. I have blogged about this before and came up with a whole list which you can read here.
The thing is, I re-read the list and thought about it some more. Because I love to over think things. And I began to wonder. The root cause at the crux of some of these regrets is my ongoing battle with anxiety.
The question I'm asking myself is this: is anxiety something you regret? I mean, if you have an anxiety disorder it's not really your fault, though it is your responsibility. Fault/blame and responsibility are two different things to my mind. You can't be blamed for struggling with such a thing, but you are responsible for managing it.
Considering that my anxiety is clearly linked to the fact that I'm autistic and that is to do with the way my brain is wired, saying I regret certain things where anxiety is at play is almost like regretting my entire existence.
I guess I'm not making much sense. Bear with me. I mean, looking at that old list I made a lot decisions based on fear and not being able to manage negative emotions. But at the time, I didn't understand that. Perhaps I didn't have the maturity or the knowledge. I mean, I didn't even know that I'm autistic until I was 40!
And even when I knew that I had an anxiety disorder, I didn't really accept it truly and properly. When anxiety in the form of panic attacks first tapped me on the shoulder many years ago, I thought of it as something more like a broken arm or a virus. Eventually it would clear off and that would be the end of it. But as anyone who struggles with this beast knows, it simply doesn't work that way.
It's only through accepting it about yourself and taking responsibility for managing it can you move forward and live a decent life. And honestly, looking back on it, I wasn't even given adequate treatment at first. It was only through my own perseverance that I kept going and trying things. Nobody ever even suggested that I see some one or pursue any help. It's almost like you're not taken seriously with these things if you're a woman... Especially one like me who has been a stay at home parent for many years. Anyway, I was trying to make a point but as usual I am rambling!
I'm just wondering about the futility of regretting things in life when you're an autistic human who has an anxiety disorder. I can say that I regret anxiety taking over my life, but at the same time, I was never given the correct tools to address it. Somehow it seems that I've had to be very resourceful in trying to help myself and come to terms with it.
I've had six years to digest my diagnonsense and it still seems like there are often things I have to figure out and try to come to terms with.
I'm not organised. I am not a happy bubbly type. I don't know how to put it into words without sounding really negative. I am not really the person who would ever take off and go trekking by myself or do big gutsy brave things. I am not loud or opinionated or ballsy. And while I admire people who are, I can only be myself. I am stuck being myself. A lot of times I think I should be things like confident and positive and I'm just not.
It's like if some people work out something they want to do they seem to know exactly what to do and the steps to take and then sustain it. I'm not like that. I can do certain things at times for periods of time, but not sustain it long-term. I can do one thing really well for a while. I can't do all the things.
Having anxiety and being autistic and introverted and all those things takes up a great deal of energy. I am who I am. And it is what it is.
It sounds odd, but I've realised I have to forgive myself for a lot of my perceived regrets or mistakes I made.
Ultimately I have wonderful parents, Mickey Blue Eyes and the boys and a small circle of family and friends who care about me and mean the world to me. And I want to concentrate on that. I did make some good decisions in life. Not that I want to bang on about cancer all the time, but having a brush with it certainly makes you realise you don't want to waste energy on a bunch of regrets.
But I do regret the 'howdy doody' thing. That was pretty dumb.
What about you?
What is your attitude towards regrets?
