The Question Of Why #FridayReflections

As a girl I would sit in the back seat of the car watching the world whizz by. I'd catch my reflection in the window and gaze at it intently. As I stared at myself suddenly I would be struck with a strange feeling I couldn't articulate. LOOK at that girl with green eyes and red hair. She's me. I'm her. How funny. How fabulous. How interesting. How very curious.  I wondered why I was ME.

Me as a girl. I was cute. 

WHY was I Vanessa, sitting in my parents car, weaving along suburban streets in Sydney? There's millions of people in the world.  Why aren't I one of them? I'm me. Not someone else. Inside this body. Experiencing this life.

The question came and went swiftly. It was too complex for my young psyche. After all, I was the kind of kid who never questioned the fanciful plots of Enid Blyton novels. Sometimes the thought was so odd I would begin to giggle. I couldn't really process or define what I was thinking and feeling.

I still can't exactly.

Mark Twain says this:

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”Mark Twain

I am reminded of how when my mother was weary from my brother and I's constant "why's" she'd sigh and say: "Because Y's a crooked letter and Z's no better!"

It's as good an answer as any.

The thing is, I still don't know why I'm me. I'm glad I am (mostly), but I don't know if there was one specific purpose I was put on earth for.

It sometimes seems that trying to pinpoint certain whys in life isn't always beneficial. At least it isn't for me. I've never figured out exactly what it is I want to do or be when I grow up. And yes, I know. I AM grown up. That's my point. My life is more than half over (unless I live to be well over a hundred), and I still don't have the answers to a million whys. Or one important why.

I could say that I was born to be a daughter, sister, wife and mother. I'm grateful to be those things. Definitely. But I'm also just me. I'm not even the best at being those things, I just bumble along and hope for the best.

Maybe that other most important day of my life is yet to come. Maybe I will understand why one of these days. More likely I will just keep on stumbling along trying to be a better me than I was yesterday. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.

And when I catch my reflection and see the middle aged woman who has replaced the little girl I will smile instead of sighing in dismay. I don't always have to know why. I just need to get on with it and be grateful.

What about you?

 Do you find it helpful to question why? 

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The Call #WriteBravely #Day5

Image credit: https://www.pexels.com/search/telephone/

Catherine knew she had to make the call. As soon as she opened her eyes the thought pierced her brain. The surgery would be open at 8.30 so she could get it out of the way. She was due at her Weight Watchers meeting at 10. It was just a formality. She was sure it was nothing.

"This won't kill you," her GP had said. Dr  Fiona McAllister had a forthright but reassuring manner. She had guided Catherine's hand to her right breast where she'd found the small lump. Catherine had felt an odd sense of detachment as she lay there for the exam.

Slowly she got up, put her bra and top on, smoothed her crumpled hair. Maybe if she focused on these simple tasks she could pretend this wasn't happening.

"I don't think it's cancer," Fiona was saying. Her actions belied her words. She picked up the phone to book Catherine in for a mammogram. She'd only come in for a routine check up. There had been no inkling of any worrying lumps or symptoms. Besides, she was young, fit and healthy. Wasn't she? Her hard work at Weight Watchers had paid off. She'd never felt better.

"How's tomorrow?"
"Fine," Catherine's voice seemed to be coming from far away. If she doesn't think it's cancer, why the hurry? Another voice whispered ominously in the back of her mind.

Common sense clicked back into place the following morning. She remained calm as the imposing machine crushed her flesh. The imaging staff were encouraging. It seemed almost certain that it was something small and benign. The results confirmed it. There was no need for alarm.

Fiona insisted on sending Catherine for a biopsy anyway. That's the kind of doctor she was. Thorough, as well as kind. It was one of the reasons Catherine never put off her appointments. Checking in with Fiona was almost like chatting with a good friend.

Catherine uncurled her legs from the bed and padded to the bathroom. She went through her morning ritual as she reflected on the past few weeks. She brushed her teeth, put the coffee on. Carefully chose her clothes.

Soon she was dressed and caffeinated. Time to make the call. To cross it off her to-do list. It was just a formality. Then the eerie voice surfaced again.

"They don't send you for a biopsy unless they're worried there's a chance of finding something."

She placed the call with shaky hands and a thundering heart. A rush of dread threatened to engulf her. Fiona was with a patient but would ring her back immediately. Catherine waited for the phone to ring and her heart to slow.

Danny had taken the girls to school en route  to his office. They hadn't been expecting bad news. She picked up her mobile phone and began scrolling through social media to distract herself. Seconds later, the landline blared.

"Hello," she said.. Her equilibrium had returned. Soon she could get on with her day.

"Hi Catherine, it's Fiona," the doctor was her usual warm but professional self. She didn't waste any time.

"I'm sorry, but they did find something."

"Fuck," Catherine blurted.

Fiona didn't blanch.  "That was my reaction, too when I read it."

Catherine was instructed to get a pen. Writing the words would make it real. This can't be happening.

Infiltrating carcinoma insitzu.

Infiltrating? She didn't like the sound of this. Why?

She thought of Danny and the girls going about their day. Blissfully unaware that their whole world was currently being turned upside down. Fiona wanted them to come to the surgery as soon as possible to make a plan.

She called Danny and got his voice mail. She left a croaky message. The words couldn't quite come out. He called back five minutes later. Her panic had clearly been discernible through the croakyness.

"They found something," she told him.

"Shit. I'm sorry," She knew he would want to be as positive and proactive as possible.

"I'm going to call Fiona and then I'll be home to go with you," her husband said. 

She hung up and immediately picked up the phone again to call her mother.

The conversation was brief. Audrey drove straight over.  The two women embraced. Her mother was always a tower of strength, but this would be so difficult for her. She always hated to see Catherine suffer.

"I'm going to phone Penny," she said.

Catherine paced while her mother placed the call. Penny was a good friend of her parents who was in the medical field. She would be able to recommend a good surgeon.

Audrey passed her the phone, but Catherine wasn't capable of small talk at the best of times.

"Look, it's a journey," Penny told her. It wouldn't be the first time she would hear that word.

But she would face the journey and the fear. She knew she would.

"She's stronger than she thinks," Fiona remarked later, as they sat in her office preparing referrals and appointments. The first of many more to come.

Catherine was slowly accepting her new reality. Later, when she reflected upon her "journey", as she was loathe call it, she realised something. Fiona's words that day had been true.

Somehow she had made it through the long road of surgery, chemo and radiation.  She'd faced up to something she'd never believed she could.

"I don't run from anything anymore," she thought.

The End.

But only the beginning...

Side note: This is a fictionalised version of my own breast cancer diagnosis, with names and some other details changed. Inspired by the following quote:


“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of them all.” – Mulan

Linking up with Write Tribe for Festival Of Words. 

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Finding Fun In Every Day #WriteBravely #Day2

It's a truth universally acknowledged that life is full of dreary tasks. Mundane, joyless days blend into each other. You trudge through your monotonous existence like an automaton. Your life is so devoid of anything thrilling you become excited at the sight of a new kitchen sponge. Or perhaps that's just me.

But it doesn't have to be that way. As a wise woman once said: "In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun - and - snap! - the job's a game."

That wise woman was Mary Poppins. Okay, she's a fictional character , so would what she know? You're just gonna have to work with me on this, okay? I'm trying to help you here. Who said my blog isn't useful?

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, making jobs fun. Here's a few ideas. Some sensible. Some silly. We are trying to have fun here, after all.

WAYS TO MAKE MUNDANE FUN

• Put on some music. Preferably nothing weepy and melancholy. We're talking upbeat and inspiring. You could even make a playlist of housework music. Bonus points for pausing to warble into a hairbrush like the rock star you are.
• Put on a timer and see how much you can get done before it beeps. You'll even get a workout at the same time by dashing about as if your butt is on fire. Let's call that multitasking! Sure, your work will likely be slap dash and sloppy, but we're trying to have fun here. Sacrifices must be made. 
• Do the thing you detest the most. No, seriously, do it. Whether it be making a dreaded phone call, washing dishes or walking the dog. But do it wearing a tutu and a top hat. I dare you. Even if you don't have fun, your family/neighbours will have a great old time laughing at you, so somebody wins. 
• Reward yourself with your favourite treat. I'm thinking chocolate or cakies. Pretty soon you'll be smashing that tedious to-do list. And smashing your scales with a sledgehammer in indignation. But let's not focus on the negative. 
• Listen to podcasts. This is actually a sensible suggestion. It actually works to make something like folding laundry a little less sucky. Just be much more sensible about this than me and mix it up a bit from true crime podcasts. Those things are not exactly light entertainment. 
• If you're at work, why not see how many people you piss off before knock off time. Try it at home, too. Don't let me stop you. 
• Make a tally of how many times you hear certain jargon and buzzwords that set your teeth on edge. Reward yourself with the tallied number of glasses of wine when you get home. Cheers! 
• Book your next vacation. Every time someone ticks you off just chant "Hawaii" (or insert any other location of your choice) under your breath. This will remind you of the reason for this bullshit: cash for vacations. 
• When you are scrubbing your toilet, dress in head to toe latex to match your rubber gloves. On second thought, just pay someone else to do that. You may have to pay extra for the latex outfit however. 😉
• If you usually cook dinner for your family, make it fun by trying new recipes. Drinking wine helps, too.

Thank you for reading. Now go and have fun!

Linking up with Write Tribe for Festival Of Words.

How do you make mundane tasks fun?

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