My Home Country #LifeThisWeek

I consider myself to be one very lucky chickadee to be born here in the Land of Oz. (Wait. What? Did I just call myself a chickadee? Get a grip, Ness). Not the same Oz that Dorothy visited. There are no wizards hereabouts. (Um. Did I just say hereabouts? Oh dear).

I mean the Land down under. Australia. Although maybe we are just a bunch of wizards and witches over here. A figment of your imagination. Australia doesn't exist, according to some conspiracy theorists. Could explain why my life feels surreal at times. Hmmmm. Interesting.

Alternatively, Australia DOES exist, but isn't actually a country. This nugget of wisdom came from a former Southern New Hampshire University Professor. I could be tempted to scoff and howl with derisive laughter at such a notion. But considering my own woeful ignorance of geography perhaps I shouldn't. I'm sure there's entire countries I'm unaware of. Oops.

I would defnitely forget the VB (beer). 

According to this comprehensive Buzzfeed listicle, there are some definitive ways to know you're a quintessential Aussie.  We call McDonald's Maccas. And apparently it's Straya, not Australia. However, I have to admit that I wonder if I'm somewhat UnAustralian. Which is not really a word, but neither is 'Maccas' so I'm going with it.

Here's why I feel UnAustralian:

• I don't like sport. Participating in it, or watching it. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's all bats, balls, BORING to me! 
• I'm not really interested in the outback. I live in suburban Sydney and I have no interest in climbing Ayers Rock. Much to Mickey Blue Eye's disgust. He'd love to get one of those camper vans and trek around Oz. Not me. Sure, I'd love to travel more. But with decent accommodation that includes a private bathroom. None of this communal stuff for me. 
• To be perfectly honest I can take or leave the beach. GASP! I know! Shocking, really. But THE SAND! And I don't like going in the surf because I'm scared of the waves. Plus, I'm very fair skinned, so it only takes ten minutes for me to end up red raw. No thanks. 
• Also; I can't swim. I have a phobia of putting my head under water so I never learnt. And I don't really care anymore. My almost 80 year old father has never learnt either and he's OK. 
• I'm ambivalent about meat pies. I like them if they're made with actual meat. But the sloppy grisly goop in most of them...Yuck! 
• I don't really get into some of the classic  Aussie rock such as ACDC (or Acca Dacca as they're known). Sure, I don't mind hearing the odd Midnight Oil song because it reminds me of my brother (he listened to them all the time when we growing up), but I'm not a hardcore fan. 
• I've never thrown any shrimp on the barbie. First of all, we don't say shrimp, we say prawns. Second of all, I've never known this to be a thing anyway. We have steaks and sausages on the barbie. 
• Australia has a beer drinking culture. I hate the taste of beer.
• I DO like vegemite, but only a very small scratching of it on buttered toast. 
• I don't say things like "G'day mate" or "Bloody oath". Or call Australia "Straya". OK maybe I do use the odd mate here and there with my boys. But only because I get their names mixed up. Tell me I'm not the only one who gets their own children's names mixed up. Please?

I'm sure there's many other things that make me "UnAustralian", but that's a brief summary.  In spite of all this, I'm staying in my home country.

After all, we have Tim Tams (chocolate biscuits), Lamingtons (cakie things) and Caramello Koalas (koala shaped chocolates with caramel inside them) here. That's good enough for me! 

Straya. 

Love it. 

What about you?

Do you feel like you gel with your home country?

How do you know you're Australian (or not)?

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My Mum's Sayings

It's funny how certain people have their own expressions and phrases. I always wonder if there are any particular ones that my loved ones associate with me because I'm not very verbal. 

Although lately I  have noticed that I'm starting to repeat of few of the classics I heard when I was growing up, courtesy of my mother. 

My Mum's Sayings

Mum and I at my 21st birthday party.

What do you want me to do about it? Turn cartwheels? 


This was usually in response to being told something that was supposed to be urgent, but turned out to be completely underwhelming. It was delivered deadpan, with heavy sarcasm. Mum couldn't actually turn cartwheels. So I'm not sure what her plan was if we'd replied in the affirmative. 


I could work the clock around when I was your age!


This expression referred to the fact that Mum worked her butt off from sunrise until late. To be utterly fair, this was quite true. My Mum is a ninja. One of those capable creatures who is up at 5 am and has done some gardening, baked scones, ploughed through several baskets of ironing plus a billion other things before 9 am. She may insist that she can no longer achieve the above (working the clock around), but she still runs rings around me at age 75. 


That's as boring as a nanny goat pooping on a tin dish.


Well yes, I suppose that would be rather boring when you think about it. But do goats really poop on tin dishes? This expression actually originated from my Pop, Mum's dad. A true classic in the tradition of something being 'as boring as batshit'. Love it!


You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.


My poor Mum had to trot this old cliche out (pun intended) many times to my teachers. She was cornered in parent/teacher interviews about my antipathy to anything sport related. Not to mention my excruciating shyness. They advised her to drag me to girl guides or something, anything to 'fix' me. I did end up doing a whole year of jazz ballet when I was ten, but I had two left feet. At 45 I'm still shy and exceptionally non sporty. Personally I don't believe there was or ever will be any sport or activity that will change that. Yep, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make it drink. Well, this horse doesn't mind a wine...

Image credit: 

http://jokideo.com/you-can-lead-a-horse-to-water-funny-quotes/

Because Y's a crooked letter and Z's no better!


This was Mum's exasperated answer to my brother and I's endless round of but WHYS??? I must admit I've used this on my boys. The response: a disgusted glare with a groan. 


Because I said so. 


No negotiations. All I could do was sulk or pout after this was said. But Mum meant it. She said so. The end. And who hasn't tried this one as a parent? 

He's got a head on him like a racing tadpole.


An expression used to indicate that some one wasn't very attractive. I can't say I've ever examined a tadpole that closely, so I'll have to take my Mum's word for it.  This ties in with the next expression...


As ugly as a tub full of arseholes (tossed up and down). 


Similar meaning here to the previous tadpole one, except a notch more insulting. And if you wanted to take the insult up even one more level, you tossed the tub full of arseholes up and down. Interesting. 


Five foot tall and nine foot up themselves.


This describes someone who is insufferably pretentious, fake, phony and conceited. A total wanker, in other words. 


Bread and duck under the table.


This was Mum's answer to the inevitable and dreaded question: What's for dinner? I've definitely resorted to this answer when my boys query me. There's no sensible answer to the question that can please everyone.

However, as a child I was confused about this. I actually wondered if there really was, in fact, a duck under the table, that we were going to eat with bread. If this wasn't an example of my Aspie brain and it's literal interpretation, I don't know what was. I had thought that this was just one of my Mum's unique expressions, but a quick google search reveals that it dates back to the depression era when food was scarce and you may have only had bread to eat. You learn something new everyday! 


She went mad and they shot her!


Another saying that was wailed in sheer desperation to our endless cries of : "MUUUUUUUUUUM!" It's true what 'they' say. You never understand your parents until you have kids of your own. 


I'm not Houdini!


I've found myself muttering this lately when it seems like everyone wants you or wants something all at once, just like Mum did. I'm not a great multi-tasker, so the ability to do so seems like the equivalent of magical powers to me. 


And last but not least, my absolute FAVOURITE of my Mum's sayings...


If my brains were dynamite they wouldn't blow a part in my hair!


GOLD. A rueful expression, often exclaimed when you've forgotten something you were supposed to buy or do. I say this to myself frequently.


Looking back at Mum's expressions, it strikes me that she must have been stressed and exhausted, despite giving the appearance of a Super Mum Ninja. So thanks Mum, you're a legend! I totally get what a hard job it is now. And thanks for providing me with these classic expressions. 

Mum and I on my 40th birthday.

Now I'd better go and do some housework. Even if it is as boring as a nanny goat pooping on a tin dish. 

Linking up for IBOT. 

Linking up for FYBF

What classic expressions do you remember?

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An Aussie Holiday

G'day everyone! Just for shits and giggles, I thought I'd tell youse a bit our recent holiday to the Gold Coast - Aussie style!

It was a bonza holiday! I reckon I could waffle on a bit about it.

Let me tell you, it's hard yakka packing for the five of us. But I finally managed to shove it all in the bags and Micky Blue Eyes broke his back getting it all in the boot. 

It was going to be a long drive, so I put on a pair of daggy but comfortable daks. The boys wanted to get brekkie at Maccas, so went through the drive-through. Every time we do this, we fondly remember the time we went to good old Red Rooter Rooster and they had NO CHICKEN. Too funny!

We finally made it to Coffs Harbour, where we settled into a cramped cosy little motel room. At least the wifi there was bonza!

After two nights there, we drove on to the Gold Coast. Once we got there, us oldies were knackered and just wanted to veg out and do fuck all. But the boys were bored cos the wifi there was dodgy.

So we went and had a squiz at the beach. I think they might have even gotten wet a few times, but I totally forgot my bikini! Most likely cos I don't have one. Details!

We had a bit of butcher's hook around and got some snags and had a barbie, cos the cabin we were staying in had one.

The next place we stayed at was a bit iffy. Some drongo must have been having a durry in the next room, cos it reeked.

But we just wanted to get some tucker in our cake-holes. So began 'The Great Bakery Crawl of 2016'.  Mickey Blue Eyes is like totally OBSESSED with bakeries. He just forces me to eat cake! SO rude.

One day we drove to the sunshine coast to have lunch at Hog's Breath with the rellies. Notably my sister-in-law and brother-in-law.

We also had a good squiz at some Op shops and second hand book stores. Mr 12 scored some Goosebumps books. We like to keep it classy.

Next , we decided to go to Movie World. Crikey, it costs a few quid! 

We spotted a little kiddies ride called  Driving School or something.

"Do you wanna go on it?" Mickey Blue Eyes asked Mr 7.

"No!" he flatly refused.

Well, bugger me if he didn't insist on going on the roller coaster five minutes later! He went on it a total of six times! That's six times more than this chicken shit sheila. Shut up. Some one has to mind the bags!

I was worried that Mickey Blue Eyes might get a bit crook from the rides, but he didn't. That bloke is like a big kid!

Eventually it was time to say hoo-roo to the Gold Coast and head back to good old Sydney town, where we are currently freezing our bums off again.

But it's all good, cos we can plan our next bonza holiday!

See you at the beach! Or the bakery....

What do you like to have a squiz at when you're on holidays?

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