Hey. It's me. Yep, I'm still here.
I haven't felt like checking in here recently. To be honest, I'm struggling yet again with the wobbles and I don't want to bore everyone with it. Nothing dramatic has happened. It just sneaks up on me now again, because it's pesky like that. Anyway, as I said...it's frightfully tedious...yawwwwn....
Oh yeah, and it's also been confirmed via a blood test that I am indeed menopausal. So I guess it's understandable that my moods might be a bit all over the place. Sigh.
I am doing all the things I need to do to get some equilibrium back. Seeing a shrink, exercise, medication. Blah blah blah... But it all takes time. And I will get there eventually. So I might pop in and out of this space if and when I feel like it. I'm just trying to not give myself too many things to think about at the moment.
So in order to keep it simple, here's a quick and to the point list of the things I cannot live without:
1. Oxygen.
2. Water.
3. Food.
4. CAKIES!
5. Chocolate.
6. Tea.
7. Books.
8. Music.
9. Peace and quiet/solitude.
10. Oh yeah, my family are pretty great, too.
11. Exercise.
12. Writing.
Yep, I'm doing my usual Captain Obvious with numbers 1, 2 and 3. Or perhaps it's the 'literal interpretation' thing that us ASD folk are supposed to be known for...
Also, technically numbers 4 and 5 fall into the same category as number 3, but whatever. I COULD live without 4 and 5, but I don't want to! I basically have the maturity of a three year old. I want my cake/chocolate and I want it NOW.
And as far as number 11 and 12 go, I am definitely inclined to be lazy and avoid those things. But when I DO do them, I really do feel better. So they are staying on my list. And that is final.
Okay, I'm done here for now.
What about you?
What can't you live without?
Making: A mess. I'm so skilled at this. It's a gift, I tell you!
Cooking: My signature dish. It's called: Whatever's In The Fridge. Or my other gourmet creation, imaginatively titled: Eat It And Shut Up.
Drinking: Waaaaaaaay too much tea. A little coffee and wine. And some water. Boiled, with a teabag and a dash of skim milk added... Okay, more tea. What can I tell you. It's a terrible addiction.
Reading: I just finished reading a so-called romantic suspense novel. It was shit. Is it just me or does there seem to be this cliche in thrillers where the killer always turns out to be the 'quiet/shy/introvert/awkward type? Shits me to tears. Most of us quiet folk can't handle any confrontation or raise our voices let alone kill some one. Lift your game, thriller authors!
Trawling: Drawers and washing baskets looking for that most elusive of things known to humankind: matching socks. WHERE do all the odd socks go? Related: my feet are FREEZING.
Wanting: A cure for cancer. Also; anxiety. A magic diet pill, a jumbo sized bottle of wine with a funnel, warm feet (see above), a good lie down, a kick up the bum and approximately seven million dollars in crisp one hundred dollar bills. Not to much to ask, is it?
Looking: For inventive ways to stay warm. And sane. Any suggestions?
Deciding: Whether to have yet another cup of tea. Pfffft. The decision (meaning the actual cup of tea...) was already made.
Wishing: That all the good and groovy folk didn't have to suffer while ass holes walk around unscathed.
Enjoying: Reading, cups of tea, cuddles with Mr 8, snuggling in bed with the electric blanket on a frosty winter's evening. You know, all the simple little pleasures in life.
Waiting: Tragically, I am often waiting for pesky old anxiety to pass. But it ALWAYS does. That is the key thing to remember.
Liking: The fact that I seem to be getting into regular exercise again... But I'm almost too scared to say it, because every time I publicly announce these things I fail spectacularly. So I had better shut up. Shhhhh, don't tell anyone!
Wondering: Why it is so incredibly difficult for me to warm my feet in winter. Everyone always tells me it's 'easy' to get warm in winter. Meanwhile, my feet are blocks of ice. With thick socks and ugg boots on sitting in front of a heater. Gah.
Loving: That's it's school holidays. Sleep-ins FTW! I'm sure this will change very quickly by the week's end.
Pondering: This and that.
Listening: To the hum of the heater and a car in the distance.
Considering: Things that I am not going to announce here because... Well, see: Liking. Nuff said.
Buying: Lots of groceries and food. Does winter make everyone want to eat and eat and EAT ALL THE HOT FOOD? Yep, me too. Same as every other season, really.
Watching: I began watching reruns of Mad About You, just for something mindless to do while I'm folding washing. Anyway, there was episode the other day when it was NYE in 1996. And I suddenly realised, that is TWENTY-ONE years ago! Jebeez, I feel ancient.
Hoping: That my upcoming mammogram in August will be all clear again for the second year. Fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyeballs crossed!
Marvelling: At how time flies, and at my beautiful family.
Cringing: At the thought of having my tits crushed again. I can deal with the pain, but waiting for the results is very anxiety-provoking.
Needing: See: Wanting. They're not just wants, they're NEEDS, I tell you!
Questioning: Life, The Universe and Everything. Also; what can I eat next?
Smelling: My dinner. Pie, mash and peas. Total comfort food. I don't even care. It was GOOD.
Wearing: I am certainly NOT wearing my pyjamas. Nope. No way. Oh shut up, it's COLD!
Noticing: That my unpleasant little 'friend' (aka anxiety) has snuck up on me again.
Knowing: The unpleasant 'friend' will be shown the door very soon.
Thinking: About what book to read next.
Admiring: Anyone who is battling anxiety. You're a bloody legend.
Getting: Cold. Fat. Old. I won't be cold forever, though. Shame about the other two...
Bookmarking: Nothing!
Disliking: That all the good and groovy people suffer. See:Wishing.
Opening: Books. I still love a good old-fashioned paper book.
Closing: Drawers and cupboards so I can't see the mess and my epic failure to embrace the Konmari method.
Feeling: At the moment, I feel kinda neutral and even. I like that. Wish I could bottle certain feelings and banish others for good.
Hearing: Hang on, didn't I already answer this?
Celebrating: We have several birthdays coming up. Mr 15 becomes Mr 16 (yikes!) in 7 days, then it's my Mum's birthday on the 26th. And in August, it's Mickey Blue Eyes's turn. Yay! CAKE!
Pretending: That I'm a mature, sensible adult. Yeah, nobody's fooled, least of all me.
Embracing: Electric blankets, track suit pants and fleecy pyjamas as day wear. I have drawn the line at wearing them to go shopping, though it's tempting... Especially because nothing much fits me right now. Oops.
Done! That's my stock-taking for the month of July!
What are you celebrating in the month of July?
There are certain magical moments in life you wish you could capture and bottle forever. Then, when you're in other less magical moments you could open that bottle up and sprinkle some of that magical fairy dust stuff.
Thinking about it, there are probably several such moments for me. The one that immediately comes to mind is the day I found out I was pregnant with Mr (almost) 16. Words cannot describe the sheer joy.
I've blogged about it a little before here.
After five years of trying to conceive, I was certain that it would never happen. That was a crazy happy ecstatic and joyous feeling. Unbelievably awesome. You rarely have such moments of absolute elation in life.
When I finally understood that I was, in fact, pregnant, I was laughing and crying at the same time. It was unbridled and I couldn't control it. They were tears of pure joy.
It certainly makes me all warm and fuzzy remembering that moment. Imagine, just imagine, being able to capture it forever. I don't have any photos of that particular day. I can't even remember if I have the ultrasound scans, though I must have them somewhere. The feeling of that day is something I've never forgotten.
I always joke how it was better than winning the lottery, but at the same time. I've never actually won the lotto, so I would like to arrange that. You know, just so I can know for sure!
But you know what? There are other magical moments. But I don't distinctly remember them. They were unmemorable and ordinary. I felt neither panicked nor euphoric. There was nothing special or remarkable about them in any way. Just ordinary moments in an ordinary day. Forgettable for their very ordinariness. Do you know what I mean? Those even moments of equilibrium. I really wish I could bottle those. I could take them out as a balm when I'm anxious, stressed or worried. When I feel despondent, dejected, dreary and just plain in the doldrums, there would be my trusty bottle of equilibrium.
There are certain other feelings and/or moments that I can recall. Such as:
- The buzz of endorphins that kick in after exercising.
- Taking off and touching down in a plane for the first time when I went overseas to Holland with my parents in 1981.
- The time Mickey Blue Eyes, the boys and I went to Magnetic Island. It was SO spectacularly beautiful that you could imagine you were literally in paradise.
- The feeling of freedom when you left school on the last day of term as a child (a slightly different feeling as a parent!).
- Hearing Carpenters music for the first time.
- Driving off for the first time by myself. Especially because I was a very late starter here. Never thought it would ever happen!
- Belly laughs with my boys
- Moments in my boys development and growing up. First words and steps etc. (I do have some photos of these times to remember. So that's something).
I'm sure I could think of many more magical moments, but I'll wait and see. I'm hoping there's more to come, even without the bottle of magical moments fairy dust. In the meantime, I'll just take balanced and ordinary old equilibrium. And maybe a lottery ticket or two...
Linking up for Friday Reflections with the prompt:
Write about a moment in life you wish you could freeze and preserve.
What about you?
What moment do you wish you could bottle and capture forever? .
