Crazy Positive!!!!

I've never been one of those people who seems to spend an inordinate amount of time finding things to be outraged about. I guess I probably seem indifferent about a lot things. I must confess, I avoid watching the news. I don't get riled up about all manner of issues.

I've avoided rambling on too much here about my cancer 'journey'. I'm not really sure why. Probably a number of reasons. For one thing, my boys might read it. For another, even I don't want to think about cancer all the time, let alone some one else. 

But one of the things that drives me batty is people's insistence that you must be positive ALL THE TIME. 

It's obvious that I'm not a cheerful, upbeat, bubbly, person. Never have been, never will be. But I'd like to think I'm not the extreme opposite of that either. I'm not a draining, whinging, 'negative Nelly' or 'Debbie Downer'. I've made no secret of the fact that I struggle with anxiety. Despite my struggles, I still try to keep things light-hearted here, because this is my happy place and I want people to leave here with a smile. So I'm not totally negative.

But I don't understand how people think you can be positive all the time in the face of something as confronting as cancer. Sure, we've all met or heard of people who seem to be, but I'm certain even they have their dark moments. After all, we're all human and no one wants to be told that they or a loved one has cancer. 

However, in the spirit of keeping things light-hearted, I've decided that all those Positive Polly's just may be right. Positive Polly's as opposed to Negative Nelly's. They shall henceforth be referred to in this post as PP's in an effort to be succinct. And just because I'm juvenile and like to call some one a Pee Pee. *Sniggers*

Yes indeed folks, perhaps POSITIVITY is the answer to everything!!!!! I put it in capitals because all the PP's seem to be so ENTHUSIASTIC about it and pepper their conversations and Facebook updates with multiple exclamation points. I barely have the energy to type them, let alone infuse so much effervescence into any interaction. But not anymore!!!!!!!!

That's right people, you heard it here first!!! I'm going to give positivity a red hot go. WARNING; Many exclamation points ahead!!!! Proceed at your own peril!!!!

From now on everything is just FABULOUS, FANTASTIC, BRILLIANT and utterly WONDERFUL!!!!! You are what you think, after all. And I think I'm AWESOME!!!!

In fact, The Lego Movie got it right. EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!! Yes, even Lego! If it decorates the floor on a daily basis and I tread on it and suffer pain multiple times a day, then that's just a reminder of my beautiful children who are inspired to create things with the Lego. The fact that they mostly create a mess is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!!!

Isn't is just amazing to be alive? Another day has arrived, glistening with possibility. The autumn sun shines it's glorious warmth over my home. Previously I was never a morning person. But now that I'm so POSITIVE I simply cannot wait to get out of bed in the morning!!!!! Especially because my weekdays begin with that most THRILLING of tasks: packing school lunches!!! YAY!!!The only thing more fulfilling is throwing out the half eaten ones from the day before. Excellent!

Now I am joining the ranks of happy, shiny, people on social media posting endless updates about my fascinating and rewarding life. Hashtagblessed hashtaggrateful hashtaglifeisgood hashtagpositivitypowerof. Oops. Strike that, reverse it! Hashtagpowerofpositivity

Apparently if you smile even when you don't feel like it, you can trick yourself into being happy. Related: my jaw is aching. But I'm SO HAPPY!!!!! Yep. Delirious with joy, loving life, high on the pure wonder of being alive!!!! I don't sound ever so slightly unhinged, do I??? I didn't think so!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I can't believe it has taken me so long to see the light!! Hang on, that deserved capitals. SEE. THE. LIGHT. I am well. I am joyous. I am safe in the World. Everything is working out for my highest good. Positive affirmations are my friend!!!!!  Let's totally ignore the fact that I repeated these statements to myself ad nauseum for months and years in the past and then shitty things happened anyway. 

Whatever I put out to the universe WILL come back to me. Which probably explains why all I ever wanted from the universe was copious cakie things and consequently I now have a spare tyre and a double chin. But that doesn't matter because I am perfect as I am! My body is unique, resplendent, a gift and good health is my divine right!!!! I know it!! 

No, I'm not having a nervous breakdown AT ALL. What are you talking about?????

You guyz!!! This positivity shiz is freaking DOPE. I can't imagine how I ever thought it was ANNOYING AF. What was I thinking?? Those days are over!!!!

Now that I'm so POSITIVE I can see that all the PP's were totally right: EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON!!!!!

I mean, I'm sure there's a reason why children get cancer and senseless things happen in the world on a daily basis, even if I haven't figured out what the reason is yet...

And I now know that breast cancer was the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME because now I'm a changed woman!!!!

Previously pink made me puke, but now I have to constantly THINK PINK!!! Why not? Pink is good! Pink flowers, pink champagne, pink clothes, pink cupcakes, pink lipstick, PINK music, pink EVERYTHING!!!! In fact, why don't I just channel Barbara Cartland and make everything in my entire life pink???!!! Our house desperately needs a makeover.  I do live with a family of males, but it's time to dispense with gender stereotypes anyway! Pink it is! Even for the boys rooms! 

It's going to be SUBLIME! 

I need this bedroom! It's so pink and frilly..so ME!!!

Tonight when I have to cook dinner in my teeny, tiny, postage-stamp sized kitchen, I will not let out a blood-curdling scream of frustration like I did the other night. No siree. I will be calm and centred and full of gratitude for my chops and veg. The lumps in my mashed potatoes will be lumps of fairy sunshine suffused with sheer delight. When my children reject this food, I will not feel peeved and put out. I will lovingly let them eat toast. Well, they haven't starved yet so it's all good, right?? It's better than good, it's BRILLIANT. 

OH EM GEE I am floating on air.  I'm not going to whinge and whine about the cold weather. The fact that people insist that it's 'easy' to get warm in winter (as opposed to cooling off in summer) while my feet are permanent blocks of ice, despite my rather fetching attire of trackies, a parka, beanie and uggs, doesn't bother me at all.  Noice. There is so much to look forward to: housework and supervising homework, and more housework and more supervising homework. I can now do it with this permanent cheesy grin fixed on my face. I don't look like a lunatic. Whatever gives you that idea? 


POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

PHEW. 

*Pauses for breath..* 


Good God, that was the longest five minutes of my life. Being positive is freaking EXHAUSTING. 

Now the only thing I'm positive about is that I need a good lie down.

But before I go, a question for all you PP's out there:

What drugs are you on and where do I get them? 

Linking up for I Must Confess.

What's the one thing that drives you crazy?

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A Starfish Named Ness

I contemplated writing this post while drunk, just for something different, but it's only 10.30 on a Monday morning.  Oh wait...perfectly good excuse to drink! Especially when you wake up with a rotten cold, sore throat and headache. I couldn't feel any worse, could I?  Hmmm...on second thought, I'll stick to tea. 

I've never been much of a drinker, unless you count tea. And I do. It's totally addictive for me. Plus it leads to harder, more sinister addictions. It's serious, people. First it's an innocent cup of tea, then suddenly it's progressed to tea AND cake. Shocking. 

Anyway, what was the point of this post? Oh yes, I was going to entertain you with the scintillating details of the first and only time I got drunk.Yep, I'm SUCH a party animal. There was only once. I've been tipsy many times, but pissed? Not really. 

The thing is, I don't really enjoy that drunken feeling. I don't tolerate alcohol well. One or two drinks are OK. I feel relaxed and pleasant. However, if I make the mistake of pushing on to a third or fourth drink, it very quickly goes to my head. I detest that seasick, head-whirling sensation. Consequently I've never made a habit of getting drunk.

I've noticed that other people can drink and drink and drink AND DRINK and it seemingly doesn't effect them. No such luck for me. Sigh.

But let's get back to the story of the one and only time I was shit-faced slightly intoxicated.

Picture it. The Hunter Valley, 1992. A young 21 year old Ness with a poodle perm, wearing a body suit with high-waisted jeans. I went away for a Rotaract Wine Weekend. 

Those were 'the olden days', as my boys call them. There was no internet. You couldn't meet people through such classy things as Tinder, so you joined something like Rootaract instead. Oops, I mean Rotaract. And you joined because you really cared about making a difference through community service. Yep. Totally for that reason. If you also met people and made friends, that was just a bonus. Ahem. 

There was a bunch of us rotaractors who went away to this particular 'Wine Weekend', including Mickey Blue Eyes, but we weren't a couple at that point. (I think it was on this occasion, or one of the other wine weekends, when Mickey managed to be drunk the for the duration of the whole weekend while only drinking diet coke. A sign that we would make a groundbreaking, avant garde couple, if ever there was one).

Me circa early 1990s

But back to my being drunk story. My friend Kim and I took a peculiar liking to this vile, sickly sweet wine called Tyrrell's Blanquette. There is a photo floating around somewhere of the two of us proudly holding our packs of this beverage, but a) I would have to find it ; and b) Kim would probably kill me if I posted it here. So you are spared this vision. 

Such a shame, because if I recall things correctly, I had ditched the high-waisted jeans for this occasion. Instead I was wearing a most fetching headband and brown jumper combo with stirrup pants. Yep, I've always been a smoking hawt, cutting edge, fashion icon. Try not to be jealous.

The point is, we drank rather a lot of this wine and were quite merry. After a day spent wine tasting, we all arrived back at the Caravan park where we were staying.The drinking and merriment continued.Well, as merry as it gets for some one as quiet as me. Shut up.

Then, inevitably, we had to visit the bathroom. So myself, Kim and my other friend Pam, wandered off to the ladies toilets in the caravan park, giggling like the silly young things we were. I managed to go to the loo without any incidents. Then, as I was waiting for Kimmy and Pammy, I suddenly decided it would be a tremendous idea to have a good lie down. Right there. In the public toilets. Of a grotty caravan park in the Hunter Valley.

So Kim and Pam emerged from the loo to behold me resplendent in a starfish position on the floor. Classy.

The next morning we were all a bit seedy. We trudged to the reception office where they had a shop to purchase paracetamol for our pounding heads.

"Not feeling too well, are we ladies?" The gentleman behind the counter asked dryly. There may have been some requests from other patrons to keep the noise down. Not that it was me making noise. Even alcohol doesn't make me 'come out of my shell'. But it does make me do starfish impersonations. I like to be different.We sheepishly mumbled something and slunk away with our drugs.

As the years ambled on, I looked back on this incident and kind of dismissed it with a "Wasn't I cute when I was a bit tipsy" thought. I considered that I'd never really been drunk in my whole life.

But then I thought about it some more. I do tend to overthink stupid, pointless things. Hang on a minute, I thought,  I did a starfish impersonation on a grotty public toilet floor. EW. Yep, I was certainly shit-faced.

So there you have it. The one and only time Nesski has ever been drunk. Unless you count  right now, because I just referred to myself in the third person, so clearly I'm drunk. And I lurrrve youse all! Thankshs for reading...!!!*hiccups*

Linking up for I Must Confess

When was the first time you were drunk?

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Back Again Plus Letters To My Enemies

Hello there. Here I am. I expect this post will be a bit clunky and all over the place. I seem to have lost the ability to string a sentence together. Oh wait. I never really had that ability. I just ramble on. All good, then. 

I actually wrote a poem about my blogging 'journey'. Here it is:

Sometimes I wonder why I don't delete my blog
When updating it seems such a pointless old slog
At first I enjoyed it and had so much fun
I just couldn't wait to get another post done

Did I care about followers or stats? Not a bit!
I just wanted to share my thoughts and my wit
I tried to be humorous, entertaining, sincere
I didn't know anything about the wide blogosphere

I was bamboozled by something called Twitter
But still I decided I wasn't a blog quitter
I started joining blog link-ups tentatively
Reading all the other blogs unrepentantly

There were blogs that were sarcastic, sassy and smart
While others were useful or straight from the heart
Suddenly my boring old blog seemed stale and trite
I didn't know how to improve it, try as I might

My enthusiasm for blogging would wax and wane
I'd take bloggy breaks and come back again
My blog is all over the place, totally ad hoc
And sometimes I think it's an absolute croc

But I aim it towards my family and friends
Not for countless clicks or the current blog trends
I treat it as if I am writing a friend a letter
Look, I know it's lame and others do better

Then someone will say: but it shows who you are
And I don't want to be a big blogging star
I'm a quiet person in real life and online
For me I think this is perfectly fine

I just wanted a hobby and creative expression
And sometimes to share a candid confession
To do this, I link-up for I must confess
Whenever I want to, so there's no stress

Then sometimes life and all it's stuff will intrude
I abandon my blog, I'm not in the mood
As a child I was told I had a writing gift
But I tend to procrastinate, to daydream and drift

Whenever I do write I seem to feel better
Even if it's just an online journal 'letter'
So here I am sitting scribbling away

And I will be back with my blog any day!


So here I am! Now onto my cancer 'journey'. 

Well, what can I say about the last four months? I know. I'm glad they're over! Yep, I've finished my cancer treatment. For those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about, you can read about my breast cancer diagnonsense here. 

I finished radiation therapy on April 19. The treatment was daily for four weeks. I had to lie very still on this contraption thingy that circled over me and fried my tit and chest area. For some reason this completely freaked me out, even though you can't feel anything at the time. You would think that lying very still would be the easiest thing in the world to do, but I'm weird. Anyway, the staff asked me what music I liked. So just be to completely different I said Carpenters. I figured if they were going to torture me, I should torture them. It's only fair. So I had Carpenters music on while they zapped me. Towards the end, we mixed it up with a bit of Adele as well. 

I eventually got past my fear of the unknown and it turned into a sort of Groundhog Day drudgery schlepping to the hospital every day. But I got to the finish line, triumphant and tired. SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Radiation causes fatigue. Overall it wasn't as bad as the chemo. I had a red boob and chest with a chronic fatigue chaser. 

Meanwhile, my hair has started to grow back. Looks like it will be ash blonde. NOT grey. Nope. No way. Meh, who cares? I'll take grey hair. Bring. It. On. It's a tiny bit cold having a bald melon now. Luckily I have some quite fetching beanies in the meantime. 

I saw my oncologist last Friday and he said they were very happy with my results. It was an early cancer and I had all the right treatment and tolerated it well. I am officially finished all treatment and now go onto six monthly check-ups, the first of which will be in early September. But to be honest, I'm really trying to not project much into the future. In the July school holidays we are heading to the Gold Coast. I'm not thinking beyond that at the moment. We do have our passports all in order and the possibility of an overseas jaunt at the end of the year is an option. Watch this space. Stay tuned and all that. If it doesn't pan out, we'll just take the Manly ferry and call it the same thing. Winning! 

Oh yeah, apparently I've been to Jupiter anyway. When I was given my list of appointments for Radiation therapy it said the location was Jupiter. I don't recomend it. Try Mars instead. You heard it here first. 

Anyway, today's I Must Confess prompt is a letter to your enemy, so here goes:

Enemy number one:

Dear Cancer,

Fuck you. I have beaten you. One day you will just be a zodiac sign, but until that day can you kindly fuck off and leave me, my family, friends and everyone alone.

Sincerely,

Me.

Enemy number two:

Dear Mind, 

Calm the fuck down. Stop pointlessly ruminating and pondering and allow coherent thoughts, creativity and ideas in. I would very much appreciate your cooperation with this matter. 

Sincerely,

Me. 

Linking up for I Must Confess. 

Do you have an enemy? What would your letter say. 

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